Finances tips

[Mary]

Here's something that is working for me--
uPDh will spend indiscriminately at the beginning of the month leaving us eating rice and beans (literally) at the end of the month. He will ask me how much is available in the bank account, and if the $ is there, he will tend to spend it down even if there are still bills to pay.

So I started purchasing gift cards from Walmart/gas station/grocery store at the beginning of the month. This way I still can purchase groceries and gas at the end of the month when the bank account has been depleted. I can also save the gift cards for upcoming travel, etc.

Also, I pay bills as much as possible at the beginning, and pay for as much up front as I can. For example, I started paying the babysitter at the beginning of the month even though I don't know exactly how much it will come to. If I'm off a little, we can settle up at the beginning of the next month.

These strategies are creating more stability financially. Does anyone else have other tips to share?
Mary

[coyote]

Mary, no tips but that is an impressive strategy. I hope it continues to work for you.

[Blackbird11]

This is a very smart strategy that I may borrow. Thanks for sharing!

[findjoy81]

I like your strategy, but it sounds like there is a need for some budgeting and financial literacy on his part in particular to help this problem in the long run. 

[Cascade]

You have found some creative and good ideas to help you manage your finances. The first step I did to help my finances was to get a separate bank account, even though it offended my husband. I  only wish I had done so sooner.  It may be something you don't even need to share with your husband. Then years later, when I started to work a little outside the home, I started to save  for emergencies.

[SomethingElse]

I wanted to say congratulations Mary on putting your best foot forward to becoming more independent. I have had to work very hard on becoming financially independent.
Both my mother and my father never learned to save enough to put it away for another day, emergencies, etc etc.  Unfortunately for her, because of her financial illiteracy, my mother, despite having a three-figure salary, still continues to squander and waste a lot, to the point where she will definitely not have anything past her SS income after retiring in a few years. I, on the other hand, have been living off of SS for over 10 years. I have never had financial support from her, apart from tiny sporadic donations, which used to always be attached with decisive advise on what exactly I should do with it.  But I finally started to work on learning how to budget for my life a number of years ago when I started working on my own health. I am not traditionally versed in financial literacy, but I feel like I have learned a lot by hands on experience over the years, of living on a limited income, and also with an ex spouse for a while. 

This is a bit of what I have concluded with.    Saving is the most satisfying concept I have learned so far. I too, have also used the strategies of pre-paying or paying at the beginning of the bill cycle, or paying someone before they start sometimes.  That way,  I too know that they will be payed. Also, I have bought a pre-paid one time usable debit card for  gas. It seems to work better than a bank debit card for controlling spending. In addition, when I see medical providers I only write them checks, and use the kind of checks that have the carbon copies so I can save them. I have also started saving my receipts in different containers, food in one and everything else in another. I already have been working on controlling my spending and limiting what I purchase. I buy bulk for all food if I can (I eat only organic and whole foods as well, so bulk buying is definitely cheaper!), and I also have gone to the farming/gardening/hardware supply stores to take quotes on buying bulk in cleaning supplies. For example, I buy baking soda to clean, so I ask four stores in town to give me quotes on bulk buying discounts like a case of 12 bags of 1 lb baking soda bags or I ask if they can order a 50lb bag of the baking soda. I'm sure you can be creative with other ideas. I would enjoy hearing anyone else's tips as well. Cheers

[Associate of Daniel]

I think occasionally supermarkets sell gift cards for a discount.  Eg:  a $50 card might occasionally cost $45, so you'd save $5.

Also, buying in bulk and sharing with  friend.

Just a few more ideas.  I really like this thread!

AOD

[coyote]

SomethingElse,
Those are good tips. Had a friend whose 20 y.o. sone kept getting hit with overdraft fees on his debit card, mostly from getting gas right before payday.

[Frankie14]

I also have a financially irresponsible spouse (with in the last 15 years he has been thru debt consolidation, car repo'd/borrowed his sisters car for a year, has lost our family our medical insurance at one point and had our electricity shut off when he paid bills, so tough stuff), but it never taught him a thing, sadly.

The best advice I read when going thru that extremely stressful time was;
If your SO dropped the baby every time he held the baby, SO doesn't get to hold the baby anymore.  So, substitute baby for money...that's where we are.

My tips;

1. Keep finances as separate as you can, have your own personal account, that he/s can't touch, and a common house account for utilities that you both put $ in for only household/children use.

2. Do not co-sign for anything for him/her. 

3. Do not have common credit cards/do NOT add them as 'user' for your cards/do not be the 'user' on their cards.  They can destroy your credit...

4. Have at least 2 credit cards for major emergencies. 

5. As hard as it is to do, keep siphoning money off into a side account only YOU have access to in your name for emergencies, so you never have to use those credit cards..

It's extremely stressful having a financially irresponsible partner.  Hang in there ...

[Mary]

Thank you so much for that wisdom. I think I often lean to the extremes--100% transparency in how much money we have left in the month, which will ALL get spent, to the detriment of not finding a discreet way of saving some on the side. I've recently been learning about adult ADD and how the adrenaline rush to spend can alter the best of intentions to be responsible  with money. So I'm trying to find a compassionate way to go about this...
Mary

[rubixcube]

Excellent idea.

To help keep my uPD wife's indiscriminate spending reigned in(it really helps for ME as well), I keep 3 bank accounts. We're both joint on all of them. We have a loans& Bills checking account, a Spending checking account, and a saving account(in a totally different bank!). When I get my check, it get's direct deposited then instantly transferred to the 3 accounts.

Loans and Bills covers all our bills and debt payments and the account is untouchable. I have a debit card for it, but you could just not have a debit card for that account.

Spending is for groceries, etc. It always runs out. We use it for gas and groceries. In your case you could even do a 4th account! Groceries account then a separate spending account.   I have friends that give themselves an allowance on ever pay day that way they have a little guilt free spending money. I like that idea.

Our saving account is both emergency fund and savings. It is a slowwww grower! But, it's there!

Hope that gives you some ideas! Figuring out how to manage money with a PD "partner" is one of the most exhausting things for me.

[SomethingElse]

Spending is for groceries, etc. It always runs out. We use it for gas and groceries. In your case you could even do a 4th account! Groceries account then a separate spending account.   I have friends that give themselves an allowance on ever pay day that way they have a little guilt free spending money. I like that idea.

I allow myself petty cash or spending money every month. I think its definitely a good idea for self-care.

[NoVoice357]

He will ask me how much is available in the bank account, and if the $ is there, he will tend to spend it down even if there are still bills to pay.

What he does is an irresponsible and selfish act. He will not let you and your children have your basic needs met like having enough food to eat.
I would not tell him how much it is there when he asks. His behaviour shows he cannot be trusted. I would tell him there is nothing left considering there are other bills to pay, which is true. I would keep separate bank accounts. Budgeting with finances can be learnt. If he has not learnt it by now, that is his choice. He is not helpless. He feels entitled. (Financial) abuse is a choice.

[capybara]

I think your strategy is very clever! It sounds like he is not checking the bank accounts himself, so I would definitely start squirreling away a little cash for emergencies every month. Either a separate bank account or at a minimum actual hidden cash if you have a safe place to store it. Maybe you can sometimes do "cash back" at the grocery store and get $10 or $20, then throw away the receipt.

[2_exhausted]

Great thinking to purchase gift cards in the beginning of the month.

What is he spending money on? He needs to make sure his family can eat. I think $$ maybe a control for PDs.

I admire your self care.

[ScrabbleRouser]

I've been dealing with the same issue with my husband. He goes on impulsive spending sprees and purchases unnecessary and expensive items (technology, musical instruments, power tools, video game systems, computers, fancy home appliances, marijuana, nicotine etc.) which we can't afford. I eventually convinced him that he needed a separate debit card for his weekly spending money, and I set up an automatic deposit of a fixed amount into his debit account every Friday, which he can save or spend as he wants to. Of course he immediately spends it every weekend. I don't give him access to our other finances. I have all our credit cards and I keep the debit card which goes to our main checking account (to pay bills, groceries, etc.)

There are exceptions though, because life is complicated and nuanced. If he needs it to make a purchase that we've agreed to together, I'll give him the debit card for a specific errand and then he has to bring me a receipt and give the card back as soon as he gets home. When he truly needs something like clothing or something for work, of course I'll purchase that for him. And sometimes I'll even buy him other "want" items beyond his weekly spending money as well (if it's something we both feel comfortable with) so he's certainly not being deprived of anything.

In some ways I hate how controlling I have to be with our finances, but the alternative is that we can't pay our bills at the end of the month and don't end up saving any. It's important to me that we put away a little bit into our savings account every month, even if it's not much. Since I started taking control of our finances and creating a budget for us, our finances have been doing a lot better, and we actually have less conflict about money now because there's a set system that we both agreed to stick with.

Thanks for the tips, to those of you who have shared your strategies.

[Cascade]

That sounds like a great system for you ScrabbleRouser. My husband would never allow me to be in charge of our finances like that. A few weeks ago he bought a new power tool. It's still in the box and it likely will be for a long time if not forever.