the love bombing stage has begun

[bohemian butterfly]

I have really emotionally detached from my relationship the past few days, and it has been noticed.

Yesterday my boyfriend wanted me to cancel a doctor's appointment so that he could use my car to make a produce delivery in the city.  I told him no, that he would have to drive his truck into the city because I couldn't cancel my appointment (it was my therapy session, there was NO way I was canceling it!).  So, I heard nothing from him all day.  Finally when I knew he was getting ready to leave (and I was leaving my therapy appointment) I called him and asked if he'd gotten it all figured out, and imagine!  He had!  He then sheepishly said that he was all flustered because nothing was going right (yesterday morning).  So, I guess that was an apology????  I went home and enjoyed my free evening.  He came back home at 10:00, I was already in bed.

This morning.  I left the house without searching for him to say good-bye (usually I have to traipse through fields to find him) I just sent him a text that said I was leaving, have a great day.

He replied back with this long text message about how much he loves me.  After I got to work I checked Facebook and saw that he had "mentioned" me in a comment.  He was responding to a friend's question about dream jobs & if you consider yourself ambitious (this friend posts daily questions on Facebook, trying to start conversations/dialogue).   He responded with (paraphrased):  my current ambition is to continue working on the farm's success so that I can step away from the 14-16 hour work days, so that I can enjoy the more important things in my life, such as BB.  Some of our mutual friends "liked" it.  Ugh!  To the outside world, he looks like he adores me, but no one sees that he treats me like an employee 80% of the time.  Part of my mind thought....well, what if I am jumping the gun?  A business does take some time to get off the ground, but then the following thought quickly responded, you know that this will never happen.  The guy can't relax, I mean, he already said that he was considering farming all year round, so this will never end.  Even if he handed the farm over to someone else to run, he would need to fill that hole with something else.  He is avoiding living and he loves being rushed/stressed; he is avoiding confronting some deep core issues.  If I stay, life will this man will be a complete nightmare.  I will get so stressed I will get sick, I can already feel it happening.

If I hadn't been to therapy yesterday (and didn't belong in this forum) this public Facebook love bombing comment would have really messed with my mind.

I admit that it's hard though because this is how he was at the beginning of the relationship (attentive, adoring, kind) but I can't fall for it. 

My therapy session yesterday was one of the best I've ever had.  Before I came in for my appointment, my counselor had reviewed all of her notes for the past 2 years and told me that we (she and I) had warned my boyfriend on 2 prior occasions that if he continued to go down this path (treat me like an employee, work 24/7) that I would probably not stay (he had come to two therapy sessions with me last year).  To ease my guilt, she told me that I had given this an adequate amount of time and that I had given it an honest effort.  I also told her during my session that I realized that in my attempt to avoid attracting either my father or my mother in the dating world, I had accidentally attracted someone who was a blend of the two.  We were both sorta blown away after I said this, because it was 100% true when we examined it.  Then we came up with a game plan for recovery.  For the next 6 months she would help me work through my grief (break-up) and after that, we would work on core trauma.  She warned me and said that I will go through many emotions, (some painful) but that if I am easy on myself, I can work it out.  She also said that I don't need fixing (this statement just broke me and I burst out crying). 

Man, when you find the right therapist, it can be life-changing.

[Whiteheron]

I am so glad to hear you have such a wonderful, insightful therapist. It sounds like you are making great progress!

Ahh, the lovebombing. My stbx made a pathetic, transparent, attempt at hoovering. Kids asked why dad was being "scary nice" when he bought me flowers twice and took us all out to dinner. He also started complimenting me in front of his coworkers and anyone who would listen. The most memorable one was when he was telling someone I was a "phenomenal cook." This coming from a man who constantly criticized my cooking - he would come home and either demand to know what I'd burnt, or take one look at what I was making and tell everyone he was having cereal for dinner.

But this...

The guy can't relax, I mean, he already said that he was considering farming all year round, so this will never end.  Even if he handed the farm over to someone else to run, he would need to fill that hole with something else.  He is avoiding living and he loves being rushed/stressed; he is avoiding confronting some deep core issues.  If I stay, life will this man will be a complete nightmare.  I will get so stressed I will get sick, I can already feel it happening.

This is my stbx. Years ago he threatened to retire and I panicked. He wanted to 'hang' with me 24/7 just like his parents (dad a controlling alcoholic, mom enabling, flea bitten). He took a week off of work and didn't handle it very well. He then told me he didn't think he'd be able to retire, so I needed to start up my own business so that he could quit his job and work with me.  Shudder.

But he cannot sit still and he cannot be alone. Just like what you said, he avoids living and thrives on the stress. I believe he's running from his demons and that if he slows down just a smidge, he will not be able to handle whatever it is he's avoiding. It is extremely stressful living with someone like this. It really wears you down.