Deliberately Snubbed

[gettingstronger1]

This year we won't be going on the annual beach trip with my family of origin.  I felt like I needed to protect myself from the PD behavior that happened last year.  Last year when we went on the trip, my golden child NPD sister gave my other two sisters and my brother's wife beautiful scarves that she purchased on a trip when she was out of the country. She did give the scarves to them when I was not present, but we were all housed in close quarters at the beach house so she had to know that I would find out. She then discussed the gift of the scarves in front of my husband to make sure that I found out about it.   It seemed to me to be a deliberate slap in the face.  She not only didn't get me a scarf but she did it in such a way that she knew I would find out. She seemed to not only want to hurt me but take pleasure in it.  In the meantime, I was making an effort to talk to my PD sister and be friendly to her not knowing she had already given the scarves.  She mostly gave me the silent treatment or one word answers in my attempts to be kind and friendly.  Unfortunately my husband waited a few months to tell me about the gift of the scarves.  He said that he didn't tell me sooner because he was afraid that I would be hurt.  We talked about him telling me these things more quickly next time.  He apologized and said he would not do it again.

This event ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back.  I had already been non contact with my family in the past.  I was trying to give them another chance after PD mom passed away, but obviously this was not working. It is really sad to me that all my siblings gave me the silent treatment after I went NC with PD mom.  I can honestly say I have never done anything mean to them. I have always treated them with kindness and tried to help them with their problems.  I guess they felt like they needed to punish me because I went NC with PD mom.  They basically took over where my PD mom left off. 

I decided to handle this by not saying anything to my NPD sister. I knew she had no remorse and would only take pleasure in seeing me hurt.  I also did not talk to my enabling father, because his response in the past has always been to say "your sister is a good wife and mother. She would never do that."  Therefore I new it was pointless to talk to him and he would not care.  Since them, I have kept VLC with enabling possibly narcissistic father since he is sick and elderly.  I have ended contact with my siblings and we have not attended any family activities.  I am worried that come Thanksgiving he will get mad that I am not coming again but there is not much I can do about it. I won't JADE.

At any rate thanks for your advice and support in this forum.  It means a lot to me.   

[scapegoatnumerouno]

oh my gosh....is your family my family!    It seems to take only one true PD in a group and the others seem to follow suit.  My Nsister is just awful and my mother has become besties with her.  In that they have twisted stories and intentions and I was booted from that family....making it look like I walked away all on my own, not forced. 

The ONLY peace i have found in the last two years of NC is, NC.  That is is.  I went NC and then let time do its job.  I had to see one of my brothers this Sunday and though I politely avoided him and his wife, the wife got to me and had to touch me and say that they were glad to see me.  All I could think was "really, after 2.5 years of NOTHING you are GLAD to see me today".  I wish I hadnt have had to see them but I did and we move on. 

I think that you choice to get away from them and stay away from them is probably your only choice.  I feel that if your father, like my mother, had cared for me like a parent should, she wouldnt have stood by all these years and watched as my sister ate me up.  I now am wondering if my mother is a bit PD.  I have realized that she has actually pimped alllllll of her children against each other our entire lives.

Your situation is soooooo much like mine.  I feel so much for you.  It seems that unless one has been through this type of family they just can not possibly understand....none of it makes sense!!!

[Serendipity12]

I completely identify - and also agree with everything that Blueheart said above.  My family's bizarre machinations and strange (sometimes deniable) snubs made healthy interaction impossible.  The choice of no contact (which I firmly believe was my only choice) is made out by them to be a shock, or somehow irrational when in fact I was made to feel excluded all along.  It is a malign form of gaslighting and manipulation - and if it is any consolation it is likely that any interaction with a possible Pd showing your hurt feelings would  have been supply for them, even if you had known about the scarves earlier. The only way to win the game is not to play, in my humble opinion! 

[scapegoatnumerouno]

oh mannnnn....  "the only way to win the game is not to play ".  How beautiful is that???  What wisdom Serindipity!!!!!  Thank you for that!

[gettingstronger1]

Thank you for your responses. It definitely sounds like non contact was helpful and the only solution.  I also agree that the only way to win is not to play the game.

[Summer Sun]

Getting stronger, your last family vacation mirrors my own.  The details may be different but the behaviours, the blatant favouritism, exclusion, silent treatment or one word answers, identical! 

It is a malign form of gaslighting and manipulation - and if it is any consolation it is likely that any interaction with a possible Pd showing your hurt feelings would  have been supply for them, even if you had known about the scarves earlier. The only way to win the game is not to play, in my humble opinion! 

Needless to say, I will never repeat the vacation experience, and have been NC for a couple years now. 

Summer Sun