Adult nieces & Pd patterns.

Started by blacksheep7, June 20, 2019, 12:35:54 PM

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blacksheep7

Hi all,

This is mainly to vent but you are free to share your thoughts.   Many topics have been written about  how difficult it is to having a relationship with nieces & nephews when you are nc  with their parents/ FOO.

Backstory, I went nc  two years ago with widowed NM so of course she triangulated.   It is still part of the journey when I am discovering who my nieces are.   

This particular niece, near thirty, seemed to understand the dysfunction in the family who my NM is, her  gm, has no self and waits upon everyone in the family to give some sense to her lonely boring life, as a victim.

My niece has self awareness is able to see through her mother's (my sister the lost child) mental illness, being numb to her emotions, having had episodes of depersonalization,  avoids conflicts at all costs and is dependent of her dh.

Niece has a good knowledge of our background and would ask me questions to better understand her M being 8 years younger than me.   She knows that her M might probably never change at 55 years old and accepts it.   
My niece has busy life with a partner, has a good education and job, has friends and a good social life, unlike her M.   Not judging here.

Since February we were supposed to get together, last time was in September.  When we finally decided that it would be at my house for supper, probably pizza type thing....well it took  several attempts to get a date and at one point, she completely forgot me.  After a month I wrote a polite email ( how we mainly communicate) saying  that I thought she forgot me lol.,   Her reply  was that she was busy with her cousin's wedding being a bridesmaid.  She said she was sorry. 

Finally we decided this Friday, tomorrow, with her partner and my other niece, her sister which answers my emails when she wants to so I gave up on her, moved on.

I wrote to her this morning to confirm  and answered that she completely forgot, saying she is the queen of the lost lol and that they rented a summer cabin for the weekend with friends.

I wrote, well that's too bad  :( and that  I didn't know what to say...have a nice weekend xxx.   She answered back saying sorry again, referring to a next time. 

Like her M, not reliable to answer or return calls when trying to fix a date.   I do know what to do from now, nothing.   I understand that I am at the end of my rope in trying.  I am not upset as I would have been in the same situation if it happened two years ago
It does frustrate me anyway!! Not taking serious responsibility in their relationships as they do for work, respect a schedule.  My stepson does this all the time!!

I did see her last week which was a last minute date because we were discussing a movie, and decided to go see it together.  It was a very pleasant.

Thank goodness for coming Out of the FOG.  It helps us understand people and less question ourselves.   ;)
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

bloomie

blacksheep7 - Just catching up here and reading this. I am just so impressed with how you refused to take your niece's flakiness personally and yet acknowledge how it feels. Seems like planning things at the last minute is best and that this niece does want to see you, just a bit overwhelmed and not a great plan ahead type.

QuoteThank goodness for coming Out of the FOG.  It helps us understand people and less question ourselves.   ;)
:yeahthat:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

blacksheep7

thank you Boomie :)
I am impressing myself if I may say so  ;)... I am learning to manage my emotions when I get upset and not reacting as I did most of my life.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."
Maya Angelou

bloomie

Quote from: blacksheep7 on June 26, 2019, 10:31:30 AM
thank you Boomie :)
I am impressing myself if I may say so  ;)... I am learning to manage my emotions when I get upset and not reacting as I did most of my life.
:applause:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.