First of all, I think there are a load of useful books out there in the world that will never use the term PD, so it's on us to sort through and do translations. I think there's a lot of difficult behavior and even difficult people that may never be termed PD, including myself at times.
I went back to my (17 pages!!) book review on this book and looked at Chapter 3. I agree with you. My notes started with:
Chapter 3: Barriers to assertive communication
I don’t want to make the situation worse.
I don’t want others to think I’m controlling.
I’m worried about how I will be perceived.
I’m afraid the person won’t like me anymore.
I’m afraid I’ll be misunderstood.
I don’t want to be shut out.
I think it may be the human condition to fear the things listed above, and for those of us with neglectful or abusive childhoods it has been seared into our nervous systems and psyche. These were very real fears from my childhood because these things on this list actually happened. There's a reason it is VERY challenging for me to be assertive in my real life. Only through safe relationships have I learned that those things above will not happen to me when I learn to have a reasonable level of assertiveness, while also respecting the personhood of the other.
Here are a few of my notes on Chapter 8 (self-expression and setting strong boundaries):
Boundaries: YOU are the one who creates them. You decide what kind of fence you’ll build and what comes in and out of your personal space—physical and emotional.
Every person has the right and responsibility to be able to say when someone else is too close, too dependent, or too involved and intertwined (this is where assertiveness comes in). You choose your company.
If you are not comfortable with someone or something, you are allowed to express that. Perhaps the most fundamental boundary is the right to say no. Saying no is the primary way we express “I am me. I am not you. We are different.”
Practice saying no.
Exploring the meaning of no: consider the following statements or questions to understand why it might be challenging for you to say no.
*in what situations do I have difficulty saying no when I know I should?
*if I say no, I’m afraid that…
*if I say no, it means that…
*what messages did I hear or learn from my early experiences about saying no?
*how did my parents respond when I said no to them as a child or teen?
*how do I feel when I say yes when I really want to say no?
Ways to say no:
-that’s just not going to work for me
-I can’t give you an answer right now, will you check back with me?
-I want to, but I’m unable to
-I’m not able to commit to that right now
-I really appreciate you asking me, but I can’t do it
-I understand that you really need my help, but I’m just not able to say yes to that
-I’m going to say no for now. I’ll let you know if something changes
-I’m honored that you would ask me, but my answer is no
-no, I can’t do that, but here’s what I can do…
-I just don’t have that to give right now
Receive the gift of resentment
Resentment is an angry feeling that you experience when you think you’ve been treated unfairly or when a situation has garnered an unfair result.
The “gift” of resentment is that it can let us know there may be a place we need to set boundaries.
Stand your ground
Don’t apologize for things that don’t warrant an apology (“Sorry to bother you, but…”)
Bring body language into alignment with words.
I know what you mean when you say reading this at a different time in your journey would have been triggering. I don't know how I would have digested this 2 years ago. At this point, however, it felt incredibly validating to me to see how attachment, assertiveness, shame, boundaries... all of them work together.
What I see her explaining is not that all relationships will be mutually healthy, but that we need to be assertive regardless. In fact, the more unhealthy the relationship, the more we need assertiveness.
I'm going to share my notes on her definition of "Doormat" before answering your #1 below:
Doormat: “Run over” by others or own emotions. Doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. Though she likely genuinely cares about others, her people-pleasing behavior may actually be an attempt to feel validated, reassured and loved. She may become easily frustrated and have a difficult time setting emotional boundaries. May not be able to clearly identify and articulate her feelings, thoughts, needs or wants; or she may choose to not assert them at all for fear of rejection, shame, or a threat to the relationship. She has learned to survive by “lying down” and allowing other people to make decisions for her.
A hidden payoff for the Doormat stance is the ability to blame others for negative things in your life, because they have the power and have made decisions you didn’t make.
The Doormat stance of communication is often used when you’re too overwhelmed by emotions (anxious attachment) or you’re disconnected or cut off from your emotions (avoidant attachment).
Anxiously attached individuals will tend to overaccommodate in order to maintain the relationship; they may avoid rejection by making another person happy.
Avoidantly attached individuals typically placate another person in order to not get too close to their own or others’ vulnerable emotions; they also tend to resign, give up, or care less.
The Doormat stance lets others have it their way in order to avoid conflict and minimize experiencing uncomfortable emotions.
The Doormat stance feels passive and weak.
To answer your questions,
1. I have found it difficult to have boundaries for anyone, regardless of their personality style. For me with aggressors, it's easier to see them as having unhealthy behavior but more challenging for me to understand that a doormat stance may be passive but is still unhealthy and toxic in its own ways. Plus, I'm a fixer, so I want to fix the problems a doormat-style person complains about.
In my family also, women were either doormats or swords. I was "mothered" by a sword who was "mothered" by a doormat. Neither is healthy.
2. All 5 have been very challenging for me. Wow, it's hard to admit that but it's true. The therapeutic process of nearly 3 years now has been a journey into all 5 of those areas, and a really painful looking at the fact that none of those areas has been well-developed.
Do you want to share more about why calmness has been one of your most significant challenges?
I felt like she got into attachment in a meaningful, but it would take someone far enough along on the journey to be willing to look at their family history. In Chapter 4, here are a list of questions she suggests we ask ourselves:
Early Attachment History:
*what are your earliest childhood memories?
*what stories are told about you as a young child
*how would you describe your relationship with your father?
*how would you describe your relationship with your mother?
*which 5 words best describe your mother?
*which 5 words best describe your father?
*think of a time in your childhood when you were hurt or sick. Who did you go to for comfort?
*when you were a child, were there any other adults who cared for you?
Someone with a PD parent would certainly have painful answers to these questions, but they'd also need to be able to build a bridge between the answers to these questions and current relationship difficulties.
Trees, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and questions on this! I'd welcome any further conversation you'd like to have.