Would a real friend behave like that?

[notrightinthehead]

I have this female friend who has been extremely helpful the last years, looking after my house when I was travelling, having me around for tea and listening to my rants about my NPDh, occasionally going with me to talks and movies. She is a teacher by profession, so she tends to be a bit of a know all, explaining basic things to me. She was supportive when the final break up with my NPDh happened, invited me several times over the last year and discussed my relationship with him.
Now I am so much better, mostly happy and working on my new life, making new acquaintances who share my interests, meeting up with people from my past. I had two really wonderful weeks with good company and felt really good  about myself when I did a group activity with this particular friend on Sunday.  All went well in my mind and I had a few laughs with one of the other ladies.
On Wednesday morning I received a text from this friend, cancelling an arrangement for the following week and informing me that she wants to distance herself. I asked why and the reply was that she feels like it. I then asked if I had unknowingly hurt her, but to that I did not receive a reply.

Of course, being prone to guilt and people pleasing I can think of a multitude of things that could have offended her. However, nothing that could not be talked about and cleared up, in my mind.

I think that a normal, 'real' friend would tell me what I did to annoy her, not 'break up' with me and leave me hanging. Or she would withdraw quietly for a while without announcing it. Am I wrong? What am I not seeing? What do you think a normal friend would do?

[clara]

I wonder if she's trying to distance herself because she can no longer "caretake" you like she did in the past?  Some people with "caregiver" syndrome (or whatever you'd call it) seem to seek out those they can "help" not just to feel better about themselves for the help they're giving (boosting their own ego in the process) but also to feel superior to you.  As long as you're the one needing help, they feel better about themselves (i.e., they don't need help like you do) but when you stop, the foundation of the relationship shifts.  And when I say "need help" I mean from their perspective, not necessarily yours.  You can just be looking at your exchanges as normal interactions between friends  because true friends are there for one another.  It's the other person who sees you as dependent on them and their advice and support--not necessarily how you see yourself in the relationship!  And since you're making other friends, she's likely jealous and feeling left out, especially after you spent some time with both her and other people.  You're no longer her special case and she's no longer your caseworker.  To admit this is beyond her ability--it would be admitting the truth of how she's viewed the relationship all this time, and she can't/won't do that.   

[all4peace]

What Clara says makes so much sense! Regardless of what's going on, if she hasn't had conversations with you in the past about struggles in your relationship together, I would find this not great behavior or communication. I also think that lots of people struggle to be assertive or direct in their communication, and maybe she's unable/unwilling for the vulnerability of speaking clearly. Either way, I'm sorry. It hurts.

[11JB68]

I had a long-time dear friend just 'ghost' me pretty suddenly.
I called, left msgs, sent emails and fb msgs and got no response. So I stopped trying.
It hurts. It is awful. It would be mature of the other person to at least respond to a msg saying something like 'sorry i don't have the time to devote to this relationship' or SOMETHING...rather than just not respond. I was friends with this person for about 40 years.
I think along with Out of the FOG and other things I've worked on I'm at a point where if I'm the only one making the effort I try to be ok with the other person moving on. But it is painful. So sorry that happened to you.

[notrightinthehead]

Thanks for the replies.
Clara, you may very well have a point, I definitely don't need her to be my caretaker and since I feel so much better recently I have searched out the company of people I can have easy conversations with. I don't really want to talk about my failed marriage anymore. I do like to self reflect but only with people who like doing this too. She does like to lecture and explain but does not share my sense of humor and does not seem to laugh much. Maybe she has found somebody who needs her more.

All4peace, that is what is baffling me, people who don't want to talk about problems would fade away, not tell me that they want to distance themselves. So the fact that she told me that and then no explanation why, has caused me to think more about what I have done wrong (guilt) than a simple fading away would have done.

11JB68 you are right, being ghosted is just as painful if you notice it. In this case it probably would have taken me several months to find out that I am being ghosted - we just did not have that much contact.  Like you, I have decided that the effort has to come from both sides.

[clara]

Friendships are chosen relationships, and like any chosen relationships are seen as less binding than relationships we have with family.  I would argue that attitude because often chosen relationships can be closer and more important than familial ones.  But I don't think a lot of people have that view.  I suspect they view friendships as one-down from other relationships and thus treat them accordingly.  People are more easily discarded when you don't have to see them at family holiday gatherings or get a lawyer to end the relationship.  Such discards have happened to me and no longer surprise me when they do.  I know the other person is taking the easy way out,   And that's just the way they are.

When your friend tells you upfront she wants to "distance herself", notright, I think she's engaged in outright manipulation.  She knows how you'll react because she knows you pretty well.  She knows you'll try to take responsibility for the relationship cooling off, of even ending.  You'll look for what you did "wrong."  You'll examine yourself while she'll make herself comfortable by refusing to examine herself.   She knows you'll do all the work.  She sees herself as having the "power" in the relationship, and now she's going to punish you for her perception that you're no longer holding up your part of the bargain.  Now, I'm not saying any of this is really true, but it's how it comes across to me.  Honestly, I would no longer want this person in my life unless they were willing to examine themselves and their own behavior rather than focus all on you.  I suspect there's a lot of denial (on her part) going on

[treesgrowslowly]

Whoa Clara your post really clarified some stuff for me regarding friendships. I think what you wrote is so true. Most people that I've met treat their "friendships" as if they are at a buffet...come, take what you want that day and go home.

They want the friendship to give them the same experience as a trip to the restaurant gives them. They order they eat they leave. Someone else does the dishes and gets the food and prepares it and manages the building and decor and cleaning. Someone else does all the work and they are here to "enjoy" themselves.

So many outings with women friends resulted in them taking what they wanted and then leaving.

This has frustrated me a lot over the years. These friendships never last for me because i don't want to live my life as if it is one big long trip to restaurants and malls to consume things that are brought to me through the labours of others. It feels empty to live like that. For me. For them it is what they think are entitled to.

I also bet this friend of notrightinthehead found someone new to "enjoy" a friendship with. I see it all the time. Women hop from one person to another, Every 2 years they have a new best friend.

Around the 1- 2 year time frame, the 'buffet restaurant' approach to friendship falls apart.

Narcs go through their 'friendships' like it's water. They LOVE this new buffet place and 4 months later they HATE it and they have a new one they LOVE. Rinse and repeat. I've been on their rollercoaster so many times my head was spinning from it all.

They love us then they discard us and say it's our fault. Exhausting.

Thanks for your post Clara.

[notrightinthehead]

Clara, I am so glad that you also perceive the announcement that she distances herself as manipulative. Why announce it? Why not just do it without announcing it? And after having announced it, why not give a reason but be silent instead? It reminds me of "mummy is angry with you but won't tell you why, you have to figure it out yourself".

Treesgrowslowly, I am so sorry that you had several such experiences.  A friendship should be a give and take on an more or less equal level for both sides.

[TriedTooHard]

I think a healthy person would quietly distance herself if she thought there was a toxic situation going on.  If the situation was not toxic and safe for a healthy person to speak up, she would speak up.  Some people do have trouble speaking up so may "beat around the bush" a bit, but there would still be some hint of what the issue is, so you could try to work on it.  Especially someone with your background would be able to recognize the hints. 

What this woman did to you points to control issues.  And the need to collect a lot of "friends" for appearances sake.  I've seen something like this happen recently in a group I'm involved in.  The person is doing this same thing to a lot of others.  Its a cry for help and she's not getting the help she thinks she needs from others, so she is trying to control the situation by announcing her departure.  She wants us all to beg her not to go, and when we don't, she really is gone, off to the next new group of potential friends.

I love Treesgrowslowly's analogy.  I've experienced this a lot through the years and its really frustrating. 

[countrygirl]

Hi notrightinthehead,

It seems to me that so many people feel no moral obligation to behave well.  This woman was your friend, why can't she just do you the honor of saying why she wants to distance herself?  Why be so mysterious and withholding?   

When I was in grad school, I had a good friend (or she seemed like a good friend!) with whom I'd had lots of great conversations.  One weekend, I visited another friend, who lived about an hour and a half away.  When I was back home, I called the first friend, and she was really weird with me.  I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something along the lines of what your friend said. I was stunned:  She'd been fine when I last spoke to her.  I asked--in fact, I begged her--to tell me what was the matter.  She said she was not "obligated" to tell me anything.  A few weeks later, she asked one fo my friends who was an acquaintance of hers, how I was doing.  Later still, I learned she had a breakdown.  Clearly, something major was going on with HER. 

Like you, I thought and thought about what I could have done.  And because of my NPD parents, I was only too willing to assume it was something I'd done.  Looking back, I clearly see that it all had to do with her.  Who knows, something I did may have triggered her dropping the friendship, but she definitely had problems.  Maybe she didn't like it that I was independent enough to hop in my car and go visit an old friend.  Who knows?  But she did not act like a normal friend, and I don't think your friend acted like a normal friend either. 

I bet your friend really did like having you sort of dependent on her, and then when you felt better and when she saw you interrelating with that other woman, she couldn't take it.  If so, that's not normal behavior.  She should be happy that you were feeling better and that you were forming other friendships.  She sounds like a "foul weather friend":  She only likes you when things aren't going well.  I've encounter one or two of those over the years too.  These people seem so warm and caring when you're down that you're sure they are going to feel happy for you when things go right--but, no, they can't stand it.  My bet is that they don't feel so good about their own lives, and so enjoy hearing tales of woe, but if you start feeling good, then they have to look at THEIR problems.  Yikes!

I hope that you make lots of new friends and that you really enjoy life!

[notrightinthehead]

Thanks for the replies.

TriedTooHard, I agree with you that it looks like control issues.

Countrygirl, I so enjoyed the expression 'foul weather friend' and I think you are spot on.  Maybe I have become too happy for her, she liked me better when I was miserable.

I am so glad I posted this thread, all your responses have helped me to clear my mind about this situation, feel comfortable with it, think kindly of her as someone who was very helpful when I was down, and respect her decision to distance herself. Thank you so much!