Ending relationship with OCPD boyfriend

[ItsFridayCraig]

Hey everyone,
I'm new to this forum.  Thought maybe some of you could offer some help on how to deal with the silent treatment.  I feel like it's killing me.  I can't get through the day without tears and so many sad thoughts.  I've been struggling especially the past six months with my OCPD boyfriend.  I've begged him for years to seek therapy and he never would.  Lots of unkept promises regarding that subject.  We have been back and forth broken up back together unclear and complicated for at least 2 months.  What really triggered my decision to move on from him (finally) is his request to have enough stability in our relationship while I was out of town on a job for a little over 2 weeks so that he could get his head clear and then seek therapy.  He has told me things like this numerous times and I've been falling for it every single time even though he never follows through.  During the 2 weeks we talked regularly and he even came to visit me while I was out of town.  It was awesome.  When the 2 weeks was up I called and checked in on him and a few things in his story about what he was doing the night before didn't add up.  I had a funny feeling about the whole situation and straight up asked him some questions about what went on.  But basically he was hanging with a bad crowd doing a bad hard drug and damn it just really disappointed me.  Here he was asking for stability so he could go forward with therapy yet here he was doing this kind of immature stuff and it felt like he is going backwards really.  I couldn't bear to hear no more and I really didn't say much except "Yeah, I knew it.  I knew something was off.  You know what just have a nice day."  And I hung up the phone.  (Something I never do). Since then he will not call me back after I have tried 3 times.  He has given me the silent treatment for 5 days now.  It hurts so horribly bad.  He has hung up on me probably 30 times and now I do it this once and he just can't talk to me at all?  Not even a courtesy to say "I need space."  It doesn't help we had a lake day planned but he would never pick up the phone so I completely missed out because I didn't have the address!! So even now as I make the tough decision to move on with my life and truly actually break up with him for good I cannot even talk to him or tell him because he won't answer the phone!!!!  I'm hurting horribly, it's so hard to just get through the day.  And I'm sure he is just enjoying himself having the time of his life hanging with those friends and whatever else he does to distract himself from his emotions.  I have no idea if he will ever call me back.  I don't even know if I should pick up the phone and tell him it's over if he does.  I'm just feeling awful.  How did I end up here?

[PeanutButter]

ItsFridayCraig- Im new here too but I also had an uNPDexh who while we were dating would hang up on me on a regular basis. He also would make dates and stand me up repeatedly. I know the pain you must be feeling. I use to cry and cry while trying to call him and he wouldnt answer. I wanted you to know that you are not alone. One thing I wish I would have known then that I know now is that even though it felt like that connecting with him was the only way out of my pain in actuality the only way out of my pain was moving on from him. He was the source of the pain, not the fix for it. I am glad we both are here on this wonderful forum. There are so many wise through experience, caring people here who will help you manage this confusing relationship. Take care.

[Spring Butterfly]

Welcome to Out of the FOG and the thing about silent treatment that's crazy making is in your case you'd like some closure but need to find a way to do that without actually talking to the other party.

Some suggestions for coping with silent treatment are here in this topic
https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/the-silent-treatment

So many of us here for one reason or another have had to find closure without talking to the personality disordered person either because we cannot due to silent treatment as in your case. Others because most times no matter what one does to try to have a reasonable conversation with a disordered person it's more than they're capable of - most times they have neither the emotional or mental capacity for a reasonable discussion that will lead to closure.

There are ways to find closure all by yourself without ever talking to the other person. One of the ways many here have worked through that is through an unsent letter. You can write this out yourself on paper or you can check the Unsent Letter board and write one here.

That's just one suggestion, you might find others around the Forum especially in the separated and divorcing section even though you were not married it's still a chosen relationship that is ending.

Wishing you healing and a journey to closure that brings you peace.

[11JB68]

Welcome, and sorry you're experiencing this.
I truly believe my h is uOCPD also, though I sense in very different ways from your bf.
Two books that really helped me were:
Invisible Chains:Overcoming Coercive Control by Lisa Aronson Fontes and
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
Also - the Out of the FOG toolbox/especially medium chill and not JADEing

[ItsFridayCraig]

Thanks guys. 
@PeanutButter your comment about resolving the pain is by moving on from him and not trying to get him to respond was very simple but very enlightening and helpful.  I have noticed the more often he has given me the silent treatment lately I seek relief so badly even for a negative response just for the silence to end.  But to move on permanently has to be the answer for me.  I just really hope this pain lessens soon... it's so hard to just get through the day.
I really don't know if he will ever call me again.  The day we were supposed to go to the lake together but he never called me back I drove to his house and he wasn't home.  I unlocked his door with my copy of his key and left his things there (along w/ the key) and took my belongings home.  I thought it was the best opportunity to do so.  I have no idea if he will call me... ever... we never even had a real breakup or conversation.  But again, I guess I just need to move on without that.  Ugh.  He still has a copy of my key and I still feel like I'm under this wrath of the silent treatment even though I've decided to move on.  But if he does call me, honestly, I'm not sure what to say.  If I tell him I want to split and no contact for 6 months I know if will make him go crazy and mad.  He has serious abandonment issues.  I'm not sure if I should even pick up the phone.  I don't know what is best here.

[PeanutButter]

 Good morning, ItsFridayCraig. I hope you are hanging in there. Your expression of the pain reminded me so much of what I experienced. I was many times so heart broken that I felt I couldnt go on. He would stand me up and stop answering the phone, sometimes he would tell me he was breaking up and go out on a very public date with someone I knew. He also was very jealous and suspicious of me (projecting). In later years he admitted that he felt like he had a right to punish me for precieved wrongs I did to him. All the deflecting distracted me to the point that most of the time I wasnt even able to confront him for the things he did to me during the punishment phases. BUT he would NOT let me go. Every time I tried to move on permanently he would eventually come back now suddenly aware and willing to do what it would take to fix the relationship. I would be sucked back in. It had to be me. I had to be the one to leave. And to say no, no, no each time he tried to come back.  And it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I had it in me all along to be happy and to give myself the love I needed to heal. His 'Iove' was not ever going to be healing.  You are a unique and special person with wonderful gifts that are not being recognised or appreciated. You deserve to be loved just as much you love. P.S. In my experience sometimes addiction plays out similarly to personality disorders but in my opinion would need to be dealt with differently. Take care for now.