Facebook guilt

Started by bohemian butterfly, June 25, 2019, 09:17:53 PM

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bohemian butterfly

I haven't posted in this forum for awhile, unfortunately I've been focused on the separation/divorcing forum.  It's kinda funny (not really) once I came Out of the FOG with my FOO, I realized that my relationship was just as dysfunctional. 😔

My father called me today.  He thanked me for the Father's Day present I sent, but then immediately told me that I needed to unblock my mother from Facebook.  He said that She's upset because other family members are seeing my daily posts and she feels left out......  mind you I only blocked her after she posted several memes of how daughters will regret not taking a call from their mothers....🤪 she feels left out..... wow.   

I asked him if he knew why I blocked her and then I explained why.  He said he'd tell her that she needed to think about her postings and that he thought I'd punished her enough.  He then he said that my medication probably made me more sensitive. 

I was blown away and just so hurt.  I ended the call and just cried.  I will never ever get an apology from them (for my childhood).  Now, I'm the problem, I'm the depressed crazy person that is just too sensitive. 

Thank god for counseling, but jeez, it hurts so much.  I've spent so much time and money in getting counseling, but I'm beating my head against the wall of dysfunction.   They will never see the light, and I can't ever expect an apology.   Yikes, so painful, but so beautiful in a way..... I've got more power than I thought.  I'm on the outs, but even though this is lonely, I've gotten out, I'm an anomaly, they don't get me.  Why?  Because I'm healthy.   

Andeza

It's true, dysfunction does not understand normal. It cannot comprehend it, nor willingly allow it to exist for that matter. :unsure: I've seen it with M, and heck I've even seen it with a coworker who couldn't understand how my marriage is so... normal. The same coworker that tried to tell me I should have an affair just to spice up my life...  :stars: Um, no thank you.

You are definitely not the problem. You're not crazy. And you're not too sensitive.

So here is a virtual box of tissues, and I'm wishing you a cup of hot chocolate or whatever your go-to is, and hoping you'll self-care and feel better. Because you're a good person and you deserve to be treated well.
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

gettingstronger1

Quote from: Bohemian ButterflyHe then he said that my medication probably made me more sensitive. 
I was blown away and just so hurt.  I ended the call and just cried.  I will never ever get an apology from them (for my childhood).  Now, I'm the problem, I'm the depressed crazy person that is just too sensitive.

I am really sorry to hear your father said this to you.  It is a mean and manipulative thing to say.  It is very common for PD parents to accuse their adult children of being mentally unbalanced or "crazy."  There is nothing wrong with being clinically depressed and having to take prescription medication.  Unfortunately people still think it is ok to discriminate against those who have depression. Often times it is their abuse that caused us to be clinically depressed in the first place.  It is also true that those of us who tell the truth of our abuse are actually the emotionally strongest people in the family. So take hope. Your depression doesn't make you weak.  You are actually emotionally stronger than your family.

Another thing you may want to consider is that your father has been toxic to you.  How do you want to protect yourself in the future from these cruel comments.  Do you feel comfortable setting a boundary with him in order to protect yourself?

Quote from: bohemian butterflyI will never ever get an apology from them (for my childhood).

You are correct in this. You will probably never get an apology and they will never change.  You have come to some very important realizations.  But the good news is that your happiness doesn't have to based on whether you get an apology. You can move on and be happy regardless of what they do.  I wasted to many years hoping my family would apologize or change.  Now I realize I can be happy without them.  Don't be afraid to do whatever it is that you need to do to protect yourself. 



WomanInterrupted

You're NOT crazy and you're not too sensitive - and no, it's *not* your medications.

Your father just *invalidated* you and it feels *terrible.*   :'(

By saying you've "punished" your mom enough, he's putting your emotions into the category unNPD Ray used to use on me:  "You're just mad!  Stop being mad!"   :stars:

Wow Ray, thanks for telling me how I feel, and to stop feeling that way.   :roll:

The thing was, I *wasn't* angry - disgusted, resentful, and sick of all the bullshit, yes, but *definitely* not angry - but Ray kept insisting I was, *instead of listening to me or even *trying* to be supportive or understanding.*  >:(

Your father, ever the enabler, basically said, "I'm taking all the heat for this!  I have to live with her and listen to her gripe that she can't see your posts on FB!  You HAVE to get the Eye of Sauron focused back on YOU, where it belongs!"

He picked her.  He married her, so TOUGH.  He can deal with the fallout that comes with it.   :yes:

Enabling fathers are the *worst*, IME.  Everything boils down to, "Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone!"    :blink: :thumbdown:

You're right - they don't get you because you ARE healthy!    8-)  You've done the work, know what boundaries are, and chose to erect one when your mom kept making unwanted comments *on a public forum, intended to SHAME you.*   :no:

You do NOT have to put up with that - so you blocked her.  Good for you, I say!    8-)

If your father calls again to kvetch about it, or says he's got to listen to your mother go on about it, I'd tell him the truth:  "She is YOUR wife.  YOU deal with her.  I will not unblock her from Facebook and this is no longer up for discussion."   :ninja:

You might feel a bit better *standing up for  yourself and laying down a BOUNDARY*  - and with luck, you'll get The Silent Treat.  :bigwink:

You'll never get that apology, you're right - BUT once you learn just how predictable they really are, you can use it to your advantage to *protect yourself.*   :sunny:

:hug:

Call Me Cordelia

Everything WI said. Although if your Facebook posts are a problem for your parents, maybe it's kinder to block them both...  ;D

I got some similar accusations against my mental health as well when I started setting boundaries. NF even invented and spread as truth a diagnosis of postpartum depression to explain my malfunctioning. My T said, and on reflection I think she's right, all that stuff about me being unstable is all a big fat projection.

Another possible boundary to consider: putting your father on an information diet, since your personal matters such as being on medication can and will be used against you. Also refusing to explain your actions in self-defense.

His framing your actions as "punishment" seems like another projection to me. That's the kind of thing your NM would do, right? Get mad and try to hurt that person, and being denied supply on Facebook hurts her, the end. No awareness or consideration that your experience and motivation may be different.  :sadno:

wisingup

I ended up blocking my uBPDm's entire side of the family.  It meant effectively ending some of those relationships & cutting out some people who I very much  enjoyed interacting with on FB.   I did it for two reasons - 1) to avoid torturing my mom with photos of what we were doing without including her and 2) to try to be "out of sight, out of mind".  As long as anyone she was in contact with was seeing my posts, she was going to hear about them.  At the time, I felt like my mom was taking everything she saw or heard from me personally & getting upset about a lot of it, so the less fuel for that fire the better.

bamboo78

I am so sorry. Facebook has made all of this so much more complicated. He did invalidate you - completely. Also you have a right to say whatever the heck you want on your FB page.

I find that Facebook increases depression for this reason. Sometimes  you want less contact with some, and that opens up resentment from others.

His statement about your medication - whatever his intention - was VERY bad.

Psuedonym

This is a great thread. bamboo78, I feel for you, this is exactly like something my dad would say. I think I still have a tough time wrapping my head around this one. I loved my dad, and really saw him as not only a buffer between me and my uBPD/NPD m, but as an incredibly normal, kind human being. Yet when i read this account you've written, I'm super pissed on your behalf, because its almost the worst sort of betrayal, because it comes from somebody who a) you trust, b) regard as 'normal', and c) has seen all the real PD behaviors. That will make you doubt yourself and your reality way more than anything the PD says. Sorry that happened, and for what its worth we all know that the problem isn't you.

:bighug:

PeanutButter

BohemianButterfly i am so sorry.  i too felt extreme pain when i realized my uBPDm would not apologise for even the physical abuse she did to me. I was thinking about this just yesterday; the narrative that IME PD persons estranged from AC seem to stick to: "My AC stopped calling/visiting. I know they are/were not hurt by my behavior towards them. It absolutely is not that. No they are mad at me for no reason and are mean/just trying to hurt me." :oh: :uuuuhhh: :blink: :wacko: IMO this is a common tactic to deflect and deny so that they cant be held accountable.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

Twinkletoes88

Quote from: bohemian butterfly on June 25, 2019, 09:17:53 PM

My father called me today.  He thanked me for the Father's Day present I sent, but then immediately told me that I needed to unblock my mother from Facebook.  He said that She's upset because other family members are seeing my daily posts and she feels left out......  mind you I only blocked her after she posted several memes of how daughters will regret not taking a call from their mothers....🤪 she feels left out..... wow.   

I asked him if he knew why I blocked her and then I explained why.  He said he'd tell her that she needed to think about her postings and that he thought I'd punished her enough.  He then he said that my medication probably made me more sensitive. 

I was blown away and just so hurt.  I ended the call and just cried.  I will never ever get an apology from them (for my childhood).  Now, I'm the problem, I'm the depressed crazy person that is just too sensitive. 

Thank god for counseling, but jeez, it hurts so much.  I've spent so much time and money in getting counseling, but I'm beating my head against the wall of dysfunction.   They will never see the light, and I can't ever expect an apology.   Yikes, so painful, but so beautiful in a way..... I've got more power than I thought.  I'm on the outs, but even though this is lonely, I've gotten out, I'm an anomaly, they don't get me.  Why?  Because I'm healthy.

Eugh I can relate to so much that you've said in your post. Firstly I am sorry that your Dad is trying to guilt you into adding your mother back on Facebook. I agree with the person who said that its because he doesn't want to have to listen to her moaning and winging and so the easiest thing to do is make you feel bad and get you to give her access again.  I find my Narc mother uses social media as a weapon and she is very passive aggressive on it.  In my case my mother totally ignores all of my posts - everything, especially important ones (wedding/birthdays etc).  Your mother seems to be acting out passive aggressively as well just in a different way.  It's a massive poor me isn't it? Also she may be hoping you'll get cringed out/guilted out and just start calling her more.  I say keep her blocked or whatever you've done because you should protect yourself in any way that helps you.  In my case I have taken myself off of all social media for a while because her blatant attempts at ignoring me and showing me how disinterested in me and my life she was, was hurting me.  So off I went and I genuinely feel soooooooo much better for it.  But if I'm honest, I took myself off because I was too scared to block her so you're doing well!!

Your Dad's comment is mean and unfair.  He probably genuinely believes it though, I think sometimes those around the narcs like the enablers are blind to the Narcs shitty behavior and so its probably a genuinely justifiable reason. Whatever helps him sleep at night hey?  So annoying.  My Narc mother told me on many occasions that I "need to be sectioned" because "I'm mental".  LOLS.

I have also been in therapy (5 years now) and agree it is the most painful but amazing thing I've ever done. I feel ever so lucky to have had the chance to understand my family's dysfunction and to separate from my narc mother.  It is so painful sometimes, good days and bad but I am still pleased to be out of her/their clutches.  Keep going. xx

Dinah-sore

He thought you have "punished her enough." ---Woah. See that is why they can't get better, they think we are LIKE THEM. To him, you are "punishing her" too much. Except you have never intended to "punish her." I remember, I think it was last year and didn't you have a farm, and she was stalking your farm Facebook page? She has been obsessed with stalking you and making passive aggressive statements on social media. You were not punishing her, I remember. Didn't you and your BF disagree with whether you should block her on the farm FB? I think you mentioned that you just wanted to have some boundaries. Your posts were very anxious about her posting things, or even showing up. Am I remembering wrong?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Everyone has such great advice for you and support. We are all here for you. We all care. And you are not too sensitive, and isn't it convenient for them to just blame medication, rather than themselves?!?!

On that note, my mom blames me changing on my medication too. Except I am not taking any!!!! Other than thyroid meds. She used to accuse me of taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, she told me I was lying about it, and hiding it. She was convinced I was taking them, and that they are the reason I am no longer letting her control me anymore. Now she thinks it is just my prescription thyroid medication. Yeah, the side effect is no longer putting up with abuse. LOL.

It isn't the medication that is changing us, it is the FOG lifting, us seeing their bull-crap, and us having support from other people who have been through the same junk.

I am sorry if I remembered your scenario wrong. I am just pulling from memory, and my memory is sometimes horrible. Please forgive me if I made any wrong assumptions. <3
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill