I need help going No Contact/having panic attacks

[2_exhausted]

Hi.

I am experiencing panic attacks, insomnia, & "knots in my stomach ", from the thought of ending it with UNPD bf. I do not want to spiral down into a depressive episode in which I cannot function.

BF has been giving me the silent treatment. Which has occurred before but, never this long...except for when he totally ghosted me for his ex wife ( or so I thought, they were never divorced I later found out).

Our relationship is bad. I met him 10 years ago. After his wife suicided, he contacted me. I was shocked. I felt sorry for all involved, mostly the child. NPD portrays her as "bipolar/borderline " (he does not know the difference), and plays the "poor widower card" and "I am lucky to be alive because of all of the murder suicides", to females he has connected with on social media  . I am guessing to get their sympathy. I do think ***trigger*** hearing the gun shot was traumatic for both he & his child. Although he denies it. I have stated many times that if he was "abused" and treated so poorly by dead wife, I can understand why he would be reluctant to be in another serious relationship. They were involved off and on for almost 25 years. I may not be a great girl friend but I am a good friend...and of course I thought he and child needed therapy for this trauma. Eerie thing is he was relieved by this death.

Over the years, and I apologize for repeating myself, I have helped him rehab 2 houses, picked up his child from school, helped him move, done thousands of loads of wash......he is the type of guy ~ if he was your bank teller, most people would think, "wow, what a nice guy, he goes above & beyond to help me"...
In private, he rages, screams the eff word at me, was on Craig's List & another dating site, when I fall (I have a Neuro disorder), he loses it to the point he forced me to gather every belonging I had at his house, remove it, and watched me as if I was a criminal. He was late to work 4 hours that day. There are/ were so many lies, most unimportant. He tries to financially take advantage of me, pocketing any change, always stalls at paying the restaurant bill to the point, I refuse to go out to dinner with him. He has given away some of my medication, which I need to walk, to his friends for recreational use. Never apologizes & states I cause him to lie . According to him, all of his bad behavior towards me is my fault because I know exactly what to say to upset him.

The dating site issue is very hurtful & I think was a turning point for me...I started to call him out for his behavior, and refused to see him last summer. And of course the truth about that came out after he told at least ten lies, I asked him to open the phone so I could see if said dating site randomly sent him pictures & profiles. He initiated the dating site and placed his age range & zip code.

As I am typing this I now how pathetic I sound. I do.

This person is a monster.  ***trigger*** I say this because, if W was threatening suicide all day, walks into house waving a gun, how could he allow his child to witness this? Why did no one call Crisis? The child told me he/she will never forget the sound of the gun. I believe it. I remember hearing the ambulance coming to get my father whom died of a heart attack.

Please help me go no contact..... I know I need to find a trauma therapist because I think all of this is related to my uBPD mom & the neglect/abuse I suffered.

Wishing everyone peace.

2 exhausted

[notrightinthehead]

You make him lie to you! What's next! Oh gosh, I hope you find the strength within you to look out for yourself better. I have sometimes wondered if those of us, who stay with partners who treat us so badly have a masochistic streak somewhere. Please be kind to yourself and protect yourself from further abuse.

[2_exhausted]

 

Honestly, I know viscerally and intellectually I did not cause him to lie.....this was not the first time I heard that line....I am in the process of looking for a therapist..
At my age, I have treated myself horribly for decades. This forum helps, hearing others stories help...I hope I am able to locate the correct T for me.

Of course my uBPDM, is still as nasty as ever. She is living with my aunt & I may see them every 2 weeks for a very limited time. I asked her when she was coming home... She totally  "Joan Crawforded" me, in front of my aunt, raging about how she is NEVER returning because I have my clothes all over her bed. To which I countered well, the 30 years of nicotine stains on the walls are a pleasure to deal with. She is showing her nasty side to her sister.

I wish everyone peace.