Feeling sick

[ExitStrategy]

Late 30's, finally divorced after a toxic mess of a marriage, 4 children who carry varying degrees of emotional trauma... I'm looking around and realizing that I have spent my entire life trying to be a good person, trying to do good, but I'm so damaged and flawed. I keep making mistakes. My mistakes don't just hurt me. My parents weren't bad people, just damaged. I didn't want to continue that legacy, but it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try to mend my flaws and heal myself and those around me, I keep making the wrong choices. I keep doing the wrong things.

Why am I still working to clean up this mess that I never asked for? Why can't I get it right? Days like today, I just feel sick at heart. I want to cry and rage. It's not fair! I want to be whole and happy for once in my life!

Who else feels like this?

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way ExitStrategy. I have felt like you at different points in my life, especially during time of extreme stress. It's a terrible thing to go through.

Please share more if you want. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

[HaplessRussell]

Oh bless you Exit, I am so sorry you feel like you're getting it wrong. I bet you're not.

Increasingly I come to the conclusion that the act of being alive carries with it emotional trauma. There is no one human being who has none. We've all got the stuff to a greater or lesser degree. Some people ignore it or don't recognise it - what? this baggage? - some people have got it piled up like one of those little carts at railway stations and you know it's all going to come tumbling down when they hit a bump in the floor.
You're not alone.

Like SunnyMeadow - which is a lovely name - I wish you strength. And like Winnie the Pooh, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

[all4peace]

Exit, I've felt this way also. When I sometimes examine how far reaching the damage from my parents' influence is.... it boggles the mind. When I was stuck in really bad anxiety without any way out that I could see, I had to become brutally rational. Our feelings are vital, and they carry good information, but our brains and bodies need to be invited to the story as well. When we're stuck in shame, guilt, grief, anger... and if we cannot get out of those after help and healing... then it becomes really tough to live our best life.

Is therapy an option for you? For me, I needed to get my story out in a safe place, learn a healthy attachment, and then start bringing all of that into my marriage, parenting, other relationships. I used to be absolutely paralyzed with fear, shame, dread, anxiety. And now I feel those things from time to time, but work through them and keep on living.

You can heal, your children can heal. The brain and attachments are amazing and resilient. The more you heal, the more you will bring healing to those around you.

I'm sorry for all the trauma and pain that you've had in your life. I don't think anyone gets out of life unscathed. Some face crippling poverty, starvation, disease, and some of us face trauma, abuse and other obstacles.

I love the Pooh quote from HaplessRussell

[ExitStrategy]

Thank you both. Sometimes this is such a lonely, discouraging journey. It can be hard to see the good when even the small challenges are a battle, and the inside of my mind feels like a minefield - I never know what is going to trigger an old thought or immature coping mechanism. I've lost so many friends over the years as they get close enough to realize how damaged I really am. I never wanted to be isolated from humanity, that was my parents preference, now it seems like I have no choice in the matter. I've been actively 'working on myself' for more than 10 years. It never ends. I keep discovering more toxic thoughts and behaviors, more relics from the past. What a terrible inheritance. I hate that I've passed any part of this down to my own children.

[ExitStrategy]

I love the Pooh quote from HaplessRussell

Me, too. And thank you. I've been in and out of therapy. Just had an experience that makes it clear I need to go back. I guess I'm just tired. This fight has taken the place of actually living life!

[all4peace]

I'm so sorry, ExitStrategy. You sound so very tired. What a long and terrible battle you're fighting. It sounds really exhausting.

[ExitStrategy]

I'm so sorry, ExitStrategy. You sound so very tired. What a long and terrible battle you're fighting. It sounds really exhausting.

Thanks, all4peace. It helps to remember I'm not the only one.