Their small actions can be a reminder of the pain

[IWasNeverReallyHere]

It's kind of the exact same feeling as when it happened this time last year, although last year was just two months into NC. This time it's 14 months. When I see that somebody has given me money and I find out it is her, five minutes later I'm in tears... I guess it still hurts. Who am I kidding? It absolutely hurts. Not necessarily receiving money as a gift, but any reminder that, this person, my mother, still cares enough to pass on a gift.

Haven't seen her for all that time. No communication between either of us, besides family email threads that I am included in, yet I don't even reply to them. It puzzles me some days that I don't hear from her. I guess there's no point in trying to figure out why.

Before the tears came, I felt guilt because I don't like taking money off people and I actually considered texting and mentioning that I hoped she wouldn't be out of pocket too much. Something stopped me doing that. I don't know, it can feel quite surreal going to make contact with the person. You've gotten so used to the NC, that breaking it can merely be a touch of a button, over a minor concern. But there's also fear there. Does she want to hear from me?

This NC thing isn't easy. It's just the way things have turned out. But, it has taken discipline. And courage. It's a constant battle between being uncomfortable with doing nothing and doing your best to forget about it, ignore it, deny it and get on with it. Or admit to myself that I can't do this anymore and tell her I want to reconnect. If that would give me relief, I don't know.  Or should I send a, thanks for the gift, hope you're not out of pocket. What might become of that though? It's as if making contact is a danger. Do so at your own risk.

It's wretched. It really is. It's not just the hurt of losing your relationship with the person who brought you into the world, but the hurt of sacrificing it, letting it go, letting go of hope. A kick in the guts. A feeling of unease. FOG. I guess these feelings will pass. They're heavy though. They carry a lot of weight.

[PeanutButter]

Im sorry you experienced unwanted contact when you were doing so well. IME I will not make any changes to a relationship status based on FOG. Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt will not be motivators for me to reconnect with someone who was/ is abusive. IMO the reaction you had may have been just what she wanted (hoover) and yes making contact is dangerous. I think a stronger boundary to protect yourself from future hoovering is in order. Why there will never be a call saying "hey i miss you so much. Im sorry I hurt you. Can you please be in my life" instead is why we have to greive so hard the mother we didnt have.