How do you know if you are a scapegoat?

[Phoenix Rising]

No WONDER I was the instant SG - I was *normal*!   

Wow, this hit hard (in a good way). 

[Phoenix Rising]

I am the only child of both of my parents. Everything was my fault and I wasn't allowed to assert myself. I gave up on trying to have a say until I started a family of my own. It seems the attempts to control all aspects of my life got even worse. I was a legal adult, educated and well-rounded yet still not "able to make decisions" for myself or children in their view. I had to work much harder to choose what/where to study, jobs to look for/work at and so on. I am definitely the family scapegoat after my father died. NGran is older and has no one else readily available to push around

[Ariel]

Wow! This hit home. I was always the good child,did well in school and marriage and raised good kids. I thought I was favored when I was young because I was always told how smart I was. But I wasn't. Because I didn't Need her my mom like my sister did. My sis always got the most expensive things,my mother's time. As we got older and I moved away I only got the left over time,after my sister and mom's friends. I was just asking a friend,I did everything right, tried so hard to do everything right,am the person they turn to when they need help but was never put first or believed and always was thought to be a bad  person. I didn't get it. But it's because it didn't matter. The more  I saw my mom for what she was the more I was put down. When I asked why she never spent a holiday with my family despite my begging her to she said because my sister NEEDED her I said I needed and wanted her but no she said I didn't need her.i was told I was born as a playmate for my sister. She was her baby. Oh and I was numerous times I needed her, she didn't need me and that if I didn't do..... whatever I would be dead to her.As my enabling dad's dementia increased the abuse on me increased. Funny that to others she brags on my daughter being a doctor but I always feel cheap when she does it. Like they are being used. I always have to say proudly my other daughter is a nurse but that doesn't advance her position in life. Very clarifying. My nephew is also the GC to my mom but the SG to my sister. My nephew is always preferred to me but my sister bus above him. This is all so sick

[scapegoat/caregiver]

I am the youngest of 3 children.  I am the SG.  My sister who is the oldest is the GC.
I was labeled the SG before I was in 2nd grade.  Both my brother and sister went to private school. College
I was too stupid to go to private school and put in public school.  Never went to college (but became somewhat successful on my own)
I was left behind on family vacations.  I remember thinking that I was adopted.  (but I wasn't,  I was just the SG)
I got cancer when I was 12.   No one came to visit me.  My brother and my GC sister never came.  It was in the summer,, they were not in school
no excuses.  I survived knock on wood...  My sickness went on for years...it was inconvenient for them to deal with.

I left them when I was 18.. it was very hard. but,

I was the one that did all the work as an adult ,  had all the parties as an adult....helped everyone when they were ill... the abuse went on

Took me a long time to figure out what I was The SG.    Thank you to this website.

Well,  I feel I am THE LUCKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. I am strong....survived despite them. have 2 beautiful children WHO I TREAT EQUALLY!!!!

My GC sister has been without a job most of her life...waiting for parents to die so she can get inheritence.   Has accomplished nothing. I am NC

I have worked hard ....enjoyed the journey... disinherited after helping NF thru nursing homes and NM thru heart surgery...doing all the work

Us SG are LUCKY.  we can feel for others.

What I am confused about is why they seem jealous of us?

[40andfab]

 It was a big part of my healing to really come to grips with the fact that I am the family scapegoat. It is a very painful place and when I look back, I tried so very hard to be perfect and live up to my uPDmom's expectations because I desperately wanted her love and acceptance, something she so easily gave my GC sis with no strings attached and no expectations. She treated my GC criminal UNPDsis like a princess, and looking back I see such desperation in my actions, I was afraid my whole life of making mistakes, yet chastised for "thinking I was better than everyone" which in all honesty was impossible because I had the self esteem of a puddle. I lived in fear and held myself back and tried so very hard to make everything right with my uPDmom because I was never really loved. She seemed to tolerate me and even, at time, parentify me and put me in impossible situations growing up and all through my life, yet coddled and enabled my three other siblings who could do absolutely no wrong.

I also think that scapegoats just don't fit in the family because they are truth tellers, they see things a little differently and can smell dysfunction a mile away and usually aren't afraid to point out reality which, in my experience, can be a great no-no to family systems that struggle with addiction or personality disorders

[xXcenobyteXx]

Greetings!

I honestly didn't realize I was a SG until I found Out of the FOG. I am the baby of the family, the one you'd think everyone dotes on right? Wrong.

My older sister was/is the golden child. I remember one Xmas when I was about 9 years old, I received 1 small little gift and then had to sit, wait and watch as my sister unwrapped her mountain of presents. This was a family function, our ENTIRE family was there and not a single one stood up for me (they were too busy revelling in my sister's golden glow).  I've always been invisible, except for when they needed a punching bag.

It has nothing to do with being good/bad as others have said. I was a straight A student and a people pleaser. My sister was rebellious and experimented with drugs and other high risk behaviours. She's just extremely good at wearing a "Golden mask" around family.

The preferential treatment I experienced growing up made me not want to give my DD a sibling. No joke. I gave birth to her and then had my tubes removed entirely, that's how strongly I felt about it. My sister however, has 2 children now and is imposing the same treatment on her own kids. Her DS (a holy TERROR) can do no wrong. Her DD (a perfect angel) can do no right. I've brought up the difference in treatment many times but she doesn't see it. My niece is my mini self to a "T" and I feel for her. Needless to say, she spends a lot of time at Auntie's house!

Sorry you have to go through this, it isn't easy. But it also isn't your fault and there's not a thing wrong with you. You're not alone!

[Lilyloo]

Great Topic!!  I am the oldest of 4 and the only daughter.  I was 50 years old before I realized I was the SG . I'm 65 now.  It's been a long journey, but now everything is clear. I no longer try to fix my family or even want to. I did that since age 13, taking care of brothers, trying to make BPD Mother happy.  I wasted much of my life in the SG role but never knew it until I found this wonderful forum and read many many things online.

Having lost my oldest brother to cancer, I have distanced more from the rest. He died with my Mother still concentrating on her own needs even while he was in stage 4 cancer. He would call me upset. I loved him so much. He and I were alike. I'm not sure what his role was. He saw truth but still had a tough time breaking free. Middle brother is the GC!

I agree with what was said here. The SG is the truth teller. Many of the other family members are always in denial, leading to us, the SG, distancing and moving on to try to be happy.  Cheers to all of us who saw the light!

[HindSightIs2020]

I am the only child of both of my parents. Everything was my fault and I wasn't allowed to assert myself. I gave up on trying to have a say until I started a family of my own. It seems the attempts to control all aspects of my life got even worse. I was a legal adult, educated and well-rounded yet still not "able to make decisions" for myself or children in their view. I had to work much harder to choose what/where to study, jobs to look for/work at and so on. I am definitely the family scapegoat after my father died. NGran is older and has no one else readily available to push around

I can relate to this. They definitely made much more of an effort to control my life than any of the other kids, and I still feel like there's always the possibility of backlash for making any decisions on my own. I'm not sure that I started out as the SG, but I think that I might have been put in that role as I've gotten older. I was pretty much told straight out that I was seen as disposable growing up, and as I got older, the amount of resistance they put up to certain decisions that I made was just so extreme and the way that I've often been portrayed by them is so negative that it almost feels like a caricature of me honestly.