New here - hello from the sunny West Country

[HaplessRussell]

So I'm 47, I'm married to a lovely man and we have a little boy, 5 cats, and a fairly ordinary boring life that involves bake sales for Cub Scouts and laundry.
Unfortunately what I also have is an 80 y/old mother with *some kind* of untreatable personality disorder and 60 yrs plus of a roundabout of significant and life-threatening alcohol misuse. (Alcohol counsellors have told me she is unlikely to be able to get any handle on her issues at her age because her coping strategies are so ingrained. Ho hum.)

Huge amount of back-story which isn't mine to tell, but I started self harming at something like 5, made my first suicide attempt at 15. Bullied at school due to being the odd neglected kid in the old-lady shoes: no friends at school because they weren't allowed to come to my house in case they saw her drunk, or indeed saw my late father drunk. All the things, really, I guess we all know the script here don't we?
So we fast-forward 30 years to my dad's death, I've long moved to the other end of the country - phone calls from the neighbours about police kicking in the door after concerns about mum's welfare (drunk, obviously) mum making allegations about people in the community abusing their own children etc. All very nasty and unsafe and so my mistake is that I found her a flat in the same village where I live.
- Just to be clear here, she has managed to isolate herself (and, by extension, me) from all her other family and so unwilling though I am to have her within the same hemisphere let alone the same postcode, had I not helped her to move here she would be dead. That sat ill with my conscience at the time.

Obviously she is now trying to play out the same games, and I have moved myself out of the equation both emotionally and physically after linking her in with the appropriate professional bodies. She's trying to up the stakes, also predictably, and is working the "but I'm just a poor lonely old lady, my daughter is all I have in the world, why does she neglect me?" thing for all it's worth.
I know she's safe. She can drink herself to death if that's her choice - I suspect it will be, in one massive futile game of brinksmanship, "see what I can do to myself if you don't take responsibility for me!" - but I no longer feel any familial responsibility for her.

I suppose what I'm grumbling about is, I'm sick of the professional agencies trying to "mediate" and "repair" our relationship. Will I go round and get her some clean clothes for her stay in rehab (no). Will I tidy her flat before she's released from hospital (no). Do I give my consent to her spending a large sum of money on rehab (what does it have to do with me?) What input do I want to have into her care package (none, she has full mental capacity)
Ugh, what part of No Contact do they not understand?

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome!

It sounds like you've had to make some really hard, sad choices. And you've done a really good job of enforcing your boundaries.

Sadly some people who haven't encountered someone like this don't "get it." But people here do, really. You're doing the righ thing!

Hope you can find the support and validation you're looking for.

[bloomie]

Adding a warm welcome to you. Wow, what a long road you have been on with your parents. I am thankful you have made a good and lovely life for yourself and your family of choice.

What wise and important boundaries you have put in place with your mom and those agencies/carers who are bound and determined to drag you into the muck with her.

We have two boards for those who are dealing with personality disordered (PD) parents and many resources for you here. I hope your time reading and sharing on Out of the FOG is encouraging and offers supportive from those of us who have lived through similar things.

See you out there on the boards.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. Although she does not abuse alcohol I can identify with much of what you have written about.

The phrase I now try to live by is "Be a lighthouse not a lifeboat".

Whatever happens I try and stay calm.

You have done well to set boundaries and keep to them. Well done! It's so hard not to cave in all for a quiet life. I know about that. You have to put your own health, happiness and wellbeing first. No one else will do that for you.

The author and counsellor Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better often says in her videos on YouTube ...

"If this person were not a member of your family would you have anything more to do with them? If the answer is "No" then act accordingly".

Health professionals frequently do not understand that family members need to set firm boundaries in order to not get repeatedly abused.

guitarman X