Need to say hi to siblings?

[scapegoatnumerouno]

I want to keep this as brief as possible.

Back story.  I am 4 child of 6 to single mother.  In my opinion mother raised us to love and have empathy for her but certainly not for each other.  I believe now that I was the main or one of two main scapegoats.  My older sister being one as well.  My three brothers were treated different.... I never heard the "gossip" from my mother about them like I have about us three daughters.  My younger sister, from another father, is a NARCISSIST.  Holy crap is she full of herself and vindictive as they come.  I never thought my mother had a PD but maybe she does.  Maybe she just has extreme fleas???

Anyway.  about 4 years ago I found my current husband.  He loves the crap out of me and shows it.  I married him in my living room and only had my mother there.  After I notified my siblings.  My younger sister (6 years younger) the narcissist gave myself and my husband the silent treatment for about 7 months. After that she gave a BS apology and of course I didnt really give a care so allowed her to resume as normal.  In the next year another silent treatment from her and I could tell that my mother was acting funny also.  Luckily I had that mind to get all my keep sakes out of my mothers home before a bomb dropped.  The bomb dropped in the form of younger sister "re-baptizing" my 9 year old niece and having two of my brothers become god parents.  ugh.....my sister is soooo extreme.  The problem is, my mother held the party after the baptism and at that point I realized that she was in on this the whole time. 

I had words with my mother and I am SURE she exagerated those words and reported back to all 5 of my siblings.  If you are not FOR my mother 100% then you are against her in her mind.  She is immature in that if she has pulled some BS she plays the VICTIM and then makes sure that everyone is on her side. 

So....almost three years later.  I have had ZERO contact with my mother and all 5 siblings.  I do have contact with my five cousins and their mother and father.  Their mother is my mothers sister.  Anyway, Im favorite of these cousins had a grad. party for her daughter this weekend.  I was going.  I didnt think my mother and narc sister would show up and my mother needs to be the victim. 

My husband and I arrived and my second oldest brother and his wife were there.  He said "hi guys" to my husband and I when we walked in.  I didnt look up and didnt respond.  Later I felt him trying to get close to me so I made distance between us.  At the end however, his wife made a VERY pointed effort to say hello and then pat me on the shoulder and she how glad that she was to see us......REALLY??????  What about the last three years????  No Christmases, no Thanksgivings (which that brother hosts) no family reunions....for ME and my kids......only the rest of them..

How on earth do he and his wife justify clearly backing my mother and Narc sister and the craziness and yet try to come to my face and talk to me, in a public setting???????  By the way, I was sitting in a chair and had slowly turned my back when my brother walked up to my husband and asked how life is etc.  I began cleaning my glasses and that is when she patted me and said what she had to say.  My response was a glance over my shoulder and I believe I said "ya, you too".  It was a foggy moment.  I do know that she seemed quite shocked after the exchange.  I think my brother got the hint from that to leave me alone.  What the hell was I supposed to do or say??????????????????

They, along with the rest of my FOO turned their backs on me without even asking my side of all of my mothers and sisters BS stories.....  And really, they havent had ANY contact for almost three years, and that is based on NOTHING to do with them.  So what if now I gave them a little reason to maintain no contact with me.  I was apparently the worst person in the world before what does anything matter now???

Am I losing my mind to be pissed that my brother would have to fricking guts to say hi to me in public like that?????  He ALWAYS did that and then IGNORED me that rest of the time we were ever in the same place together.  Talk about mind games on me.  I finally quit caring at age 40 but damn it really pisses me off that he does this.  JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.  I PROMISE I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE, THAT HAS BEEN PROVEN OUR WHOLE LIVED,,,,,JUST DO THAT SAME FOR ME.  STOP MAKING ME BE CORDIAL TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Anyone else feel this way.  Am I losing my mind to HATE to have to say HI back to someone who clearly is only doing it to be heard by others and then ignores the crap out of my after that?  He literally has not said more than HI to me in at lease 20 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bloomie]

blueheart - I am sorry that your mother and sister have managed to isolate you from your siblings and their families. How painful. I understand only too well not wanting to "cooperate" with the phoney public display of affection and acting as if everything is just great between you all. It sounds like you handled it the best way you possible could under difficult and painful circumstances.

I like the Medium Chill kind of response that you gave and it seems it surprised your brother and his wife. I have a weddings and funeral only relationship with one of my siblings who has physically and verbally abusive to one of my children. Like you, I don't want to disrupt another family member's special event and have learned to be cool, calm, with a quick hello if we come face and otherwise to get lost in the crowd.

It does hurt that siblings and other family members will act on things they have been told about us and never one time talk with us about things or fight to keep a relationship with us. I am really sorry this happened.

[appaloosa]

Ugh, what an awkward situation! Your siblings sound very unkind to just write you off, without even asking what happened. I don't attend any family functions--not that I've been invited to any, but I remember reading somewhere that situations like this are when etiquette comes in handy. Yes, it's phony, but it prevents any 'scenes' which would cause discomfort to the person hosting the event or other (non family) guests. You respond with extreme politeness, but icy as an arctic winter. "Why hello X--how lovely to see you. I trust you've been well?... Ah, wonderful." Then excuse yourself to the ladies room or go talk to someone else.

[nanotech]

When they see us in public,  their dysfunctional need to idealise the family kicks in. It's acting of the worst kind.
My family of origin does this, especially oldest NSis.
None of them want any authentic family contact. Ever. I tried for years. I was in the fog and sought their love and their approval.
Now that's all over. Of course, now that I'm no longer making any effort, no one sees each other at all.
If I do see them it's rare and usually in public
( funerals or dad's hospital visits).
They all do it, but one sister in particular wins the Oscar. She showers me with hugs and kisses, loud compliments and flowery, ridiculous declarations of love! 

It's  lovebombing at its worst. 

It's all about their narcissistic pride, and how we look to others outside the family. It's really a cynical attempt to cover up the truth to others- so they they will assume that  we see each other a lot and and are a close and loving family. 

I do what has been suggested here.
I'm polite but frosty! I no longer fall for it.  I do the bare minimum, make my excuses and move away. 
I'm sending you  🤗 warm hugs. (Real ones!)

Don't get angry, get frosty! X

[all4peace]

We face this, too.

I try for a combination of honoring the purpose of the event (not making a scene) because we're at the event for the support of the person we're honoring, and being true to myself.

So, if I'm at a wedding, I make sure that I congratulate the bride and groom, and I make sure I greet my ILs but in a way that works for me. For me, that's shaking hands, saying 1-2 polite sentences and then moving on.

I've also been repeatedly cornered, approached from the back or side, and physically trapped so that PD family members could tell me jokes, hug me, massage my back, put their hands on my shoulders, etc. I viscerally hate it and it's absolutely ridiculous behavior from people who have been abusive, shunning and nearly totally absent relationally.

You are understandably outraged by public behavior from your B and SIL that is very different from their private behavior. I truly understand. It causes dissonance in us and to me feels like hypocrisy. However, since we can't control how THEY behave, we can at least control how WE behave. I've finally chosen to set the tone by being prepared to respond with MY version of acceptable behavior, or even to be the one to make the initiating contact. It takes them off guard, they can't set the tone by trapping from the side or behind, and then the interaction is over and I can move onto more enjoyable interactions with other family and friends.

I believe my PDs are trying to "tell a story" in public that is very different from how it actually is in private. I don't have to be a prop in their story. I can behave how the relationship actually is, which is very distant and polite.

Hope this helps.

[scapegoatnumerouno]

Everyone at this party knows that I was kicked out of my family.  It is difficult to have a "re-baptism" in a tiny town that I come from without EVERYONE knowing.  That was a lot of why it was done, to embarrass me in front of my entire family and the small town I came from.    What I didnt mention is that I thought this party started at 2 in the afternoon.  I realized just before I left my house that it started at noon.  So I got there at 2 and my cousin informed me that my mother and NARC sister had been there and just left.  I think God assisted me that day.  I didnt have to listen to my sister yammer on and on and on about herself to everyone there.  They would have stayed away from me, however, so it would have been easier that way. 

What I will do next time I have to be anywhere near my FOO is keep standing and keep moving.  I had dont that at this party until I didnt.  Within 2 minutes of sitting they were behind me, chatting with my husband (who they also hate apparently).  I just want to be done with all of them forever.  Thank you for listening.  I was really shaken up and really pissed off once the stress released.