Trying to work it through

[Whatthehey]

A week ago I met with my soon to OCPDexh. We had to talk through who got what my lawyer termed sticks of furniture.  As none of is worth much of value and is mostly sentimental, we were encouraged to come up with who gets what outside of court.  It was a surreal experience.  I gave him my list and while he didn't exactly agree, he seemed to honor my wishes.  But I have been here before where he seems to listen and then changes his mind and I am twisting.  I pray it doesn't happen this time.

He mostly wanted to understand why I left.  So I told him.  I didn't pull any punches.  I was kind in my wording - but I was also honest and direct.  We were in a public place so I tried to keep my emotions in check and I certainly didn't want to make a scene.  He seemed very open .  Quite like he was in the beginning of our relationship more than 30 years ago.  After hours of back and forth, I recommended we go down the road and have a mid afternoon drink.

I miss those days of easy companionship and we fell so easily into that banter when he was as honest and direct as I am - no passive/aggressive or push into his wishes.  And then I went to the bathroom, reflecting and caught the hints he was laying down - consider putting off the divorce; maybe we can negotiate a better deal on our own; there is money you won't be left adrift; and on and on.  In the past, I would've picked up on the them without realizing it and gone the way he wanted.

I took a moment and listened to my intuition.  I really listened and said no.  to myself and then to him.  I told him I was going to move forward with the divorce but if he worked on his issues and I worked on mine - then perhaps someday in an unconventional way we could be partners again.  but there was a great deal of work we had do for ourselves

he agreed and suggested we go see a movie the next day.  I agreed.  and the the next day I changed my mind.  as the time approached I was so worried and panicked to be alone with him.  physically frightened.  but he didn't respond to my text and showed up at the allotted time.  all congenial and friendly like I see him with his coworkers.  I didn't want to rock the boat as I was seeing my lawyer the next am and working through another approach to a settlement.we went to the movies in separate cars, sat next to each other. but by the end of the movie I found myself leaning far away from him and watching my every word.

I left the next day to visit my daughter nine hours away and spend the week.  I talked with him a few times about issues concerning her financially.  and now I am back.  he accepted our financial proposal.

I just can't trust him.  in my core, I am very afraid of him.  that saddens me and I realize that the only people I have to talk to are the people on this forum.  talking to my daughters is not appropriate. my sister just does not quite believe me. nor do any of my friends really.   I feel very alone marginalized and just trying to put one foot in front of the other. part of me rejoices in the independence of now and another part is so very lonely. scared mad frustrated and every emotion in between.

thanks for listening

[notrightinthehead]

I had the same problem as you, my family and friends did not really believe me, they thought, 'why did she stay so long if it was so bad?' and they have a point. Can you check if there are any CoDA meetings near you? Or groups for survivors of abuse?

[Spygirl]

Omgosh!

Swirling, i did the same things with my pd welcome to the game.

After a month of this, when i stopped being compliant with his suggestions, or did not agree to how he wanted things, it got really nasty fast. Then he would flip the next day and behave nicely on the phone. All manipulation attempts.
Rage
Crying
Love bombing
Businesslike
Namecalling-projecting-gaslighting


He used to aggressively grab my hand to hold, and i would comply. I was AFRAID.  No boat rocking from me for the first 3 months out. I tried to get him to couseling, no dice.
3 sessions and the therapist was against him.
The lawyer he picked was against him.
I was a greedy bitch that had only married him for his money, and planned moving out all along. I was seeing other men(of course )
Then he loved me, i was his world, he was lost without me....... and on and on. He wanted me to keep the pets he previously wanted me to get rid of. Nope, not going back. Not safe for any of us.

My saving grace was gray rock, and taking EVERYTHING he said literally.

So when he complianed that the mattress in my hs was too small and uncomfortable the few times he stayed over, i finally told him no. No you cannot sleep over. I will not sleep on the sofa for you.

No, no i will not cancel my  weekend plans for you last minute. Perhaps another time?

No, i will not accept going without alimony.
No, i will not reschedule the lawyer meeting unless you prepay the $300 fee. You picked the date a month ago to attend, not me.

And yes, his family sees him as an angel. Its ok. They are stuck with him.

I flipped it around

" it must have been really horrible and hidden if she walked away from financial security with alot of perks, and such a handsome, friendly guy too."

Believe me, there is a group of people who look at him with the stink eye now.

You just get on with your bad self and keep a journal. That was the best advice i recieved.

[cant turn back]

I understand completely. 
Been there, in some ways still there.
Yes, Gray Rock was a saving grace for me too.  When he was raging and trying to provoke me Gray Rock made me feel empowered (like, keep trying you fool as if I'm going to take the bait).  When he was sad and crying and desperate Gray Rock made me feel like a total bitch (how could I be so cold and callous and not embrace him and not repair this sad situation??). It was a boundary, a wall I needed to protect myself. 
Spygirl, I like your flip:
"it must have been really horrible and hidden if she walked away from financial security with alot of perks, and such a handsome, friendly guy too."
I go back and forth, when I'm pissed and want some kind of revenge or vindication this thought brings me peace, majorly, given his 'dad of the century' and good guy mask to the world.  On the other hand, the codependent in me sometimes feels sad for him, that maybe this is what everybody thinks of him, his internal basket is already so empty.
I just wanted, still want, to be away from him.  There is so much peace and positivity in not having to deal with him or endure whatever issues or mood might present on any given day.  Life became something I was enduring.  The eggshells.  Just so unpleasant and lonely without someone to truly be a partner with.  I don't miss him at all.  That thought makes me sad too.  After 30 years, I was so emotionally separated from him that I don't really miss him.
How long till I just don't care at all about any of this stuff anymore?  I'm ready to not care at all.  I've been moved out and physically away from him for 1 1/2 years.  Though we remain engaged as we try to coparent our DD15, an exercise of complete frustration all the time.

[Whatthehey]

Thank you all for your support. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.  I went to my first CODA meeting yesterday.  It was different and I am trying to work out how to use it to help myself.

There are the strategies like grey rock and there is CODA and then counseling.  On top of the divorce, managing the kids and moving and establishing my own accounts.  I do at times feel overwhelmed.

On a personal note, my physical pain from the cancer treatments is flaring and I think it may be because of the stress.  when I first separated, I was so joyful there was no to little pain.  Now, I want to climb into bed and cry sometimes from the pain.

One day at a time.