Dealing With Stepfather with possible PD in a Crises

[Maverick2000]

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the forum but was referred to this website after I had a length chat with the CALM helpline.

Growing up I either experienced or witnessed sexual, and physical abuse and have been subjected to emotional abuse, in the forms of bullying behaviour, for a lot of life. I was advised that a lot of the abuse or challenging situations might be connected with people with personality disorders. I have looked through the "Types" section of the website over the past few weeks. This has helped me identify personality disorders better and look at best ways to heal myself and move forward.

Last Tuesday my mother became seriously ill and was diagnosed with having a growth in her kidney with complications is now awaiting a potentially life-threatening operation. This situation has forced me to look at my relationship with my stepfather.

My mother met my stepfather in the workplace thirty years ago and
became close when she helped him through a very difficult marriage. Shortly after his divorce they quite quickly started a relationship which began when my grandfather died quite suddenly.

Almost as soon as they got together I felt sidelined or excluded by his family and his family needs; his ex-wife, his mother and three children who have all had challenging behaviour. He was presented to me as a socially awkward man who was very vulnerable whose wife had been having an affair and neglected his children so naturally felt sympathy for him.

Due to this situation he struggled to find childcare and I was asked to babysit.  His children but they were very undisciplined and at times very self destructive and spiteful. I was told afterwards that it was very difficult to find childcare because the children behaviour was unmanageable. I felt my feelings were starting to be my feeling were being disregarded so carefully moved away from the situation to focus on my college work.

Over the years I saw them less and less. My stepfather progressively monopolised my mother's time and only spent time with her when my stepfather was doing other things. When my mother and stepfather visited my relatives early on their relationship but I was never invited.

My stepfathers socially awkward behaviour increasingly manifested itself as controlling behaviour often making snide comments about my looks, the way I dress. The only attempts to build a relationship was done by buying me expensive presents but I felt he was buying my silence. At one point I had to return the presents as I thought it was disingenuous as I barely saw or spoke to the man. I could see this was upsetting my mother so I had learn to accept his presents and often I needed some of them when I was struggling financially. I always felt very conflicted and controlled by it all.

In over twenty years I have always try to stay polite and respectful but never felt it was reciprocated and felt he has little respect and understanding of who I am. I have only lost my temper with him once in all these years when he was extremely nasty due to serious illness he had.

Last Wednesday we had to spend the whole day together due to my mother's condition. Over the course of the day his behaviour becoming increasingly undermining and controlling ; deciding when a conversation should be started and ended, going on and on about my age and being judgmental about everyone and everything and how I should deal with my family in a very didactic way. I told him could not deal with him constantly undermining me especially when I had to be strong for my mother. I tried to explain I had lot of people undermining me to a point where it made me feel suicidal at times. He wanted me to give him examples of his behaviour. I quickly saw this as a manipulation to undermine me further and break me down so I responded by saying that I did not need to explain myself and that he need to listen and think about the things he said. I was left feeling that I had imagined his behaviour and had let my mother down by not being able to deal with him effectively. I am now scared to deal with him but fortunately he is with my mother in a hotel waiting for an operation so I am using the time to work how to deal with this. One solution was to tell his friends so they can support him. But am concerned how he will be with me from now on.

[bloomie]

Maverick2000 - Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. First, I am so sorry that your mother is facing this life threatening surgery and serious illness. That alone is a tremendous weight and stressor and adding in the gaslighting and invalidation you are experiencing with your step father this is a lot to deal with. I am glad you have joined us.

There is a mantra I learned shortly after coming here that has helped me so much called The 3 C's Rule that really helps ground me when I am sitting in a hospital room trying to care for a gravely ill family member with a person whose behaviors are toxic and it goes like this: I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can't control it."

The only thing I can change, cure, control is me. So, to be able to support my own loved ones who I "share" with others whose behaviors toward me are harmful and toxic is to build a toolset that I use when I must be in contact with them.

The toolbox above is a perfect place to start to gather strategies for handling the gaslighting and invalidation. Reading through the top 100 traits in the drop down menus above gives you strategies for each behavior in a do/don't section that is very helpful.

Something else that I found essential in recovery from the wounds and difficulties from my own disordered family of origin system was finding a good therapist that understands the dynamics we are working with, reading many books, listening to pod casts, youtube vids, spending time here sharing and receiving support from this group of people who truly do understand to a large degree what you are facing. There are resources all over this forum that will help you heal and gain solid ground for your feet.

You already sound very brave as you have spoken up for yourself and refused to be hoovered into a circular conversation that was unproductive and that seems like an attempt to put you on the defensive explaining yourself. Bravo! 

Something that could immediately help as you support your mom through this time is being present only when it would be most supportive of your mother, bringing a book to immerse yourself in to avoid conversation beyond the minimum greeting, using medium chill type responses, having a broken record type of response.."I'm here to focus on mom.".

Keep sharing and coming back as you build a network to support you in real life, tools and strategies to handle specific behaviors, and for encouragement. It helps to lighten a heavy load.