How do you get over the pain of not being loved?

FugitiveDaughter · June 25, 2019, 09:52:39 AM

I've been struggling with this for a while now because I'm getting silent treatment from my family. How do you get over the fact that none of them care about you and never will? Do you get over it? I have a loving husband (who has been in a lot of stress at work lately) but somehow I don't know why that isn't always enough. It should be, right? There are people around me, friends who appreciate me as a person and tell me so and I don't know how to process being praised for something. It's especially hard to receive compliments on something involving my own skills and talents. I never feel good enough and I never feel like it's anything I should take credit for.

My siblings never contact me these days unless they want something from me (which usually involves money). I've tried contacting my nieces and nephews but they don't answer me (ok, so they are teens, I understand that). My mother, the real Queen Bee of the Narcissistic Beehive has been acting like a total shit for months now. I try to ignore it but I feel hurt all the time and I hate that. I just want to continue with my life and ignore the people who cause me pain but why is it so hard?

The thing is, I try to stay in as little contact as I can with mom. She sends me a Whatsapp message once a week to bait me to call her. Usually it's something like "Daughter! I'm so happy! Big News!" or if she's in a bad mood it's "Raining here... I am alone here... Glad I didn't hurt myself worse..." or something like that. Something to get me to call her. I tested things last time I did call which is about a week ago. I asked her how she is (big mistake) and from then on, she talked about herself, her friends, what she's done, how in the end she ends up being alone on her birthday for an hour. Luckily this time I got off the phone by saying we had to go to bed and let's call some other time. Never once asked how we are or what's going on. Not once. She does not care. I did congratulate her on her birthday and wished she had a nice day. She answered "oh I don't know... all alone here..."

I can't believe having dad around camouflaged so well that the rest of the family are basically just selfish robots who don't care (or have ran away never to return). I sometimes wish I could go talk to a therapist but how can I trust them to understand? All I know is that I need to get over this somehow. I am a person who likes to talk things through so it's basically killing me that I can't just face my family members with this and talk to them. Because you know that would not be a good idea at all.

treesgrowslowly · June 25, 2019, 03:21:28 PM

Hi

All I can share is some of my experience as it relates to your questions. I have never had a counsellor question me for ending contsct with uNPD abuser. I'm sure it happens but whether because they understand PDs or whether they are mostly trained to focus on your goals, I was always met with them accepting this at face value when I disclosed that I ended contact.

It was and has been in stark contrast to how non-counsellors react to this information. It's typically a variation on whatever they themselves feel about their parents or their children. Some are offended that any person could go NC. I never bothered pointing out that just because their parent is not PD doesn't mean PD parents don't exist. Some people insist that all parents love their children. I dont argue with these people. And therapists know better. Any good therapist knows that not all children are protected and loved. You may need to meet a few to find a personality and treatment style fit but in general you'll get validated for what you've survived. Then you can go from there.

Counsellors who are trained in understanding PDs will work with you to help you identify what the PDs behaviour affected for you.

They can also help with the grief and loss that others in your life may not even recognize that you've endured. A PD parent can't give a child the security and stability. There are ways to overcome that. It takes time but it is worth it.

gettingstronger1 · June 25, 2019, 09:12:15 PM

Fugitive Daughter

I can relate to the pain you feel of not being loved by your family. My family also gives me the silent treatment as punishment for speaking out about PD moms emotional abuse. The absence of contact is a daily reminder they don't love me. So how do you get past this? That is a good question. The honest answer is that it still hurts but not as bad as before. I don't think about it as much as I used to. I anticipate that in the future I will continue to feel even better. What helps me is to realize that God gave me another family to give me the love I need. I have lots of loving people who love me such as my husband, children, and my husbands family. They love me and tell me this often. I am grateful to God for that love. He didn't allow me to be completely abandoned. Their love helps make up for what my FOO is unable to give me. Unfortunately my FOO is not capable of real love and emotion. That is not my fault and I can't fix it. So when you feel down that your family is like an empty well, look for the other gifts you do have and focus on that. You mentioned your husband and friends. When you get down try to focus on them. Go do something fun with them and hopefully it will take your mind off things. Your FOO inability to love is a reflection of them not you. They can't give love if they don't have love for themselves. As best as you can, focus more on FOC and less on FOO and hopefully you will feel better. Also give up the hope that they will love you the way you deserve. Sometimes this continued hope holds us back in our recovery. Once we give up hope we can move on. It is painful at first but it also gets better with time. I hope this helps and gives you some concrete ideas to work with.

Peace Lily · June 26, 2019, 12:00:25 PM

Fugitive Daughter, I can understand your pain, because I have felt it too. It is a shock realisation as I think there is an assumption that mothers naturally love their children. It is not a love that is ever questioned. Likewise people assume we love our parents, and I always maintained that I didn't like my mother, but that I loved her. Now I don't know if what I feel for her is love??? Probably it is not. But I have come to the conclusion that my mother doesn't love me based on the fact that she doesn't actually know me, because how can you love a person you don't know. She doesn't know me because she doesn't listen to me, ignores my opinions and interests that do not relate to her personally and doesn't bother to ask abut me.

How do you get over this? It is really tough, but I think the answer is gaining acceptance through grieving the mother that we thought we had (before coming Out of the FOG). There is lots of information out there on grief and how to process it which can be very helpful. Acceptance of your loss is the end goal and through the development of acceptance you can lessen your pain. Any loss can cause grief (loss of your home, job, a friendship, your mobility). I think that loss of a mother's love is particularly painful and confusing when that person is still there interacting with you ( and telling you she loves you, which is what is happening in my case). If you lose a friend, likelihood is you won't see or talk to them again.

I totally understand, that whilst we may be lucky enough to have the love of FOC to fall back, it is not the same as having the unconditional and supportive love of a parent.

TriedTooHard · June 27, 2019, 04:30:25 AM

I'll add that it also helps me to view it as an illness that thankfully we don't have. It helps me detach and not take it personally. Its ironic, the uPDs in my family can't give this consideration to others that treated them poorly. Its a source of comfort to me that I have this ability to see it that way, knowing I'm not like them and no matter what happens with others I meet in life, I will not make a mess of things the way they have.

HaplessRussell · June 27, 2019, 06:15:54 AM

I've recently had this long conversation with myself and what has really helped me is the realisation that my NPD/alcoholic parent doesn't, and has never, loved me.

She doesn't not love me. She doesn't know who I am! Why should she? It's not that she's got to know me and then rejected me as a person. She actually has no clue about me, about my life, my feelings, my reality.
I hope that doesn't sound really bitter or self-pitying: it isn't meant to, I find it really empowering to acknowledge that it isn't personal

bohemian butterfly · June 27, 2019, 01:48:42 PM

FugitiveDaughter,

Sometimes I wish that I could reach through the screen and give people gigantic hugs (with their permission of course) because this is tough stuff at times (dealing with PDs). I struggle with this as well, but in my case, my family does "love" me, but only if I am completely enmeshed with them (which isn't love at all).

I think about this often, but as I continue to walk, the pain does seem lessen and I feel like every step I take, is one more step towards health. For me personally, I try not to stuff the pain. I'm starting to honor the self (cry when I want to cry, feel angry when I feel angry, explore the feelings of guilt and shame then they arise, etc)

I also try to watch at least one YouTube video a day (usually Lisa A Romano or Kris Godinez) and I have a therapist that I have been working with. I admitted to her the other day that I have downplayed a lot to her, that I have been hiding my pain. I want to work on inner child/trauma because it's time. I think I'm strong enough to jump this one last hurdle. I feel like once I walk through that pain, I will come out the other side a different person, a healthier person.

Sorry for the thread hijack. To answer your question, yes, I firmly believe that you can walk through the pain and come out the other side.

PeanutButter · June 27, 2019, 01:54:29 PM

Quote from: HaplessRussell on June 27, 2019, 06:15:54 AM
She doesn't not love me. She doesn't know who I am! Why should she? It's not that she's got to know me and then rejected me as a person. She actually has no clue about me, about my life, my feelings, my reality.
I find it really empowering to acknowledge that it isn't personal

Well said imo this is what i feel my experience with my uBPDm was/is. She doesnt know me. She projects all her negative qualities onto me.

MIB · June 27, 2019, 09:26:59 PM

What I try to do (& works most of the time though nothing is perfect because I'm human) is focusing on the gratitude for what I have versus thinking about what I don't. I find that gratitude is a very soothing and powerful emotion, and offers a great focal point.
Of course I have my sad days, but they are fewer and further between, thankfully.
Big hugs to you,
MIB

Call Me Cordelia · June 27, 2019, 09:59:04 PM

Gratitude is a good thing, but I have sometimes caught myself trying to use gratitude as a way to stuff down my grief. So buyer beware. I would much rather be happy, but at times I simply need to be sad. And that's ok. The grief and processing eventually clears the way for real joy.

You ask why what you have isn't enough. Because it should be. No, you are not insufficiently grateful. I agree with Peace Lily, a FOC does not replace FOO. With healthy people we can have both. We were made to connect with our parents. It's kind of our infant brain's prime directive. (Is that Erickson?) When that first developmental need is not properly met, it messes us up for life. It's not your fault. But there are ways to heal that primary trauma. And they are all difficult, but not as hard as day to day dysfunctional living in my experience.

Twinkletoes88 · June 28, 2019, 10:39:38 AM

Hey Fugitive Daughter,

Boy can I relate to your post.

Quote from: FugitiveDaughter on June 25, 2019, 09:52:39 AM
I've been struggling with this for a while now because I'm getting silent treatment from my family. How do you get over the fact that none of them care about you and never will? Do you get over it? I have a loving husband (who has been in a lot of stress at work lately) but somehow I don't know why that isn't always enough. It should be, right? There are people around me, friends who appreciate me as a person and tell me so and I don't know how to process being praised for something. It's especially hard to receive compliments on something involving my own skills and talents. I never feel good enough and I never feel like it's anything I should take credit for.

I could have written the same thing. My narc mother has decided to just forget I exist and stop bothering with me at all. I haven't seen her now for over 3 months and she lives ten minutes away. She's decided to stop texting me or anything. I literally hear nothing.....

I have spent a lot of time separating from her because we were very enmeshed and I was being abused without even realising it, so I needed some boundaries but this hurts because it feels like I am no longer of any use to her.

What I would say is... I went through the phase you are in now before this happened to me. So if you maintain your boundaries and are strong and don't get sucked in, then you may well find all those things stop. But it may hurt just as much!!

BUT..... you know what is good for you and what you do and don't want and can and can't tolerate. That's where it is tricky I think. I had decided that low contact and seeing her once every couple of months for lunch was what I could tolerate but she has different ideas and apparently unless I am completely enmeshed then I am nothing... simple.

Like you, I have a husband and step-children and in-laws who are so lovely (and so emotionally healthy!!) and I appreciate them all but sometimes it doesn't feel enough. I guess it will get easier?? xx

Psuedonym · June 28, 2019, 11:30:16 AM

Hi there FugitiveDaughter,

I do think there's a crucial type of love that you're missing in your life, and that love needs to come from: you. When you grow up with a PD mother, you don't get that sort of unconditional love, which is the basis for self-esteem and learning to love yourself. It's right there in the first paragraph: It's especially hard to receive compliments on something involving my own skills and talents. I never feel good enough and I never feel like it's anything I should take credit for. Only you can convince yourself that you are more than good enough and that you're awesome and deserve compliments, but the good news is that you can learn to do that. Any therapist who doesn't understand dysfunctional family dynamics is a shitty therapist; believe me, if dysfunctional families didn't exist therapists would starve. You can also ask any potential Ts if they are knowledgeable about PDs. Don't let fear of being judged stop you from getting help.

FugitiveDaughter · June 28, 2019, 04:08:57 PM

I'd like to thank everyone for your wonderful replies, I'm sorry I haven't answered them yet. I'm struggling with a bit of health issues at the moment but will soon take a closer look at everything. So many posts here that really make me see things a bit differently and to get me out of my own head with this constant analysing of thoughts that is making me crazy. And I love reading everyone's own experiences, it is helpful.

truthseeker4life · June 30, 2019, 04:38:05 PM

I totally get you fugitivedaughter (and others on this post).

I stood up to my mom in 2016 and have had pretty much silence since. I think 2017 and at least half of 2018 were tough for me.

It is difficult to understand a mother who would rather save face than do the hard amends process to have a relationship with her own child (difficult to do if you never believe you are ever wrong and everything is someone else's fault). It is heart breaking.

Especially difficult was seeing mother daughter and grandmother grandchild combos around. The pain of loss was everywhere for me. I live 5 miles from my mom and she never reaches out to me or her 2 granddaughters here. I am sad for my daughters they have such a scrappy grandma.

She wants me to pretend like she hasn't said nasty things to me - to pretend she doesn't smear my name to all who will listen. I. Can't. Pretend. Anymore.

Almost 3 years in of the silent treatment from mom n mom and sadly most of my FoO consequently has made me realize they don't want ME they want me to be whomever is convenient to them - and I can no longer be that person.

I have taken my head up from the sand and cannot go into the suffocating hole with them again.

And you are right - it is sad to not be able to discuss this with FoO. But their reality is so different from yours.

I have found a good therapist that specializes in narcissism thank goodness. I am on hiatus with that now as we currently have financial issues (husband got laid off) but it is good to know resources are out there.

I also joined adult children of alcoholic (mine isn't) and other dysfunctional families (mine so is!) and it has been extremely helpful to be especially with other women in group who have broken relationships with their mothers. We get each other at level others don't and we are honest in our struggle - our grief. I am thankful for ACA (or ACoA). We are trying to understand our past but focus on solutions for our present.

You are not alone. Even 3 years in the grief ebbs and flows like waves for me. I cannot control what triggers me but I don't pretend around safe people that I am not struggling.

You will slowly heal and the pain will lessen. I was told it will be more of an ache and less of a throb.

Be gentle with yourself. Ask yourself each day how YOU can love yourself and do it.
As was said above - we are wired for parental and FoO love - we lack it so we are at a great disadvantage in life and it is normal to be sad and struggle.

Hugs.