[Frankie14]

Reading through this wonderful thread, the thing that jumps out at me most is having our own space. 

Having my own bedroom was a life changer for me. I think if I was still sharing a room with uPD husband I would have gone crazy by now.

I love love love my bedroom.

 

This..also. 

My bedroom is my sanctuary.  I kindly kicked DH out of the bedroom 9 years ago, when he started 'working from home' which entailed approx 2-3 hours or so daily of 'actual work' and the other 15 hours to follow me around the house, ask me what I was doing, where was I going, or whining oh GOD another playdate coming over here, I guess I will HAVE TO LEAVE..

So, my bedroom was my only escape from 24/7 and 365 of 't o g e t h e r n e s s .' 

He has worked outside the home 4 days a week for the past 4 years but I will NEVER EVER go back to sharing a room, EVER.

[capybara]

Frances29, how did you get him out  of the bedroom?

[Frankie14]

Frances29, how did you get him out  of the bedroom?

I wanted him out for a long time before I finally got him out; he snores, has sleep apnea and had gained 50 pounds before I kicked him out of the bedroom, he's a heavy binge drinker, denying he is an alcoholic..because he doesn't drink every day...  So, 4 nights a week he was passed out drunk, sweating, making the bed hot, flailing around the bed, hitting me in his sleep, he was snoring, gasping, he also punches out and kicks in his sleep.  The nights he doesn't drink he is hungover, and can barely sleep, rolling around, restless, and had absolutely ZERO care in the world if I slept or not, but I was TO SLEEP NEXT TO HIM NO MATTER WHAT.  And I put up with that for about 10 years.   **I am an extremely light sleeper and he woke me several times a night for 10 years, even if our kids slept all night, DH would wake me, turning on his iphone to light up the whole room...literally did not care that I was now awake for the rest of the night after he liked a few things on Facebook at 3 am..he would pass right back out.

Needless-to-say when I told him he kicked, punched, snored in his sleep, he didn't believe me.  He would whine and mope, "you just want me out of the bedroom," which YES I did as he was 'working from home' and no longer had an office to go to, no longer had coworkers, no longer had work dinners, no more business trips, was home all day, home all night.  Of course I needed SOME space for MYSELF.  To boot I make more money...and have always worked from home. 

How I got him out; What I did was videotape him, snoring and punching out in his sleep.  Showed it to him, then moved all his things to the guest room.  Even after sleeping in the guest room, he could not refrain from disturbing me in the early morning hours, it was a way to show me who was boss I guess, in a passive aggressive way.  So, he would come into the master bedroom at 5-6-7 am if I was alseep, to use the master bathroom shower (when there was a bathroom in the guest room)..then he would rummage thru the closet slamming closet doors, even when I had a baby in bed with me...

So, after one too many mornings like this, I moved all his toiletries, and clothing into the guest room, and said now you don't have to wake me up at 5-6-7 am and that was that.  9 years he's been out..

My bedroom is the only place I can go in the home to get away from him..he has no hobbies, he works outside the home maybe 2-3-4 days a week, mostly just 3 days and he still drinks .. and I don't drink, and I never have..I do not want to hijack the thread.  But, that's how I got him out/and why..

[GentleSoul]

Wow, Frances29.  We seem to be married to the same man!  The heavy drinking, arms, legs flailing, snoring, stinking of booze etc.

Him "tiptoeing" into bed about 2am.  Hammered and thumping about like a baby hippo!  Bouncing off the furniture!

In his own room now he can drink as much as he wants till the early hours and it makes no difference to me.

[Frankie14]

Wow, Frances29.  We seem to be married to the same man!  The heavy drinking, arms, legs flailing, snoring, stinking of booze etc.

Him "tiptoeing" into bed about 2am.  Hammered and thumping about like a baby hippo!  Bouncing off the furniture!

In his own room now he can drink as much as he wants till the early hours and it makes no difference to me.

Quiet like a baby rhino...

I wish we were married to the same man, you can keep him, please stop sending him back to my house, LOLL

[rubixcube]

Reading through this wonderful thread, the thing that jumps out at me most is having our own space. 

Having my own bedroom was a life changer for me. I think if I was still sharing a room with uPD husband I would have gone crazy by now.

I love love love my bedroom.

Yup I love love love my office. I spent 4 years in a 1 bedroom apartment with my uPDw, then her uNPD mom was there too for 2 years to help with our newborn. Once we moved into a house I got my own space. It's my sanctuary. I wake up early, before her and my daughter, and I enjoy reading and saying prayers before I get ready for work. By the end of the day, I'm exhausted: emotionally.

I was just listening to the audiobook of The Tao of Fully Feeling, by Pete Walker(I can't recommend his stuff enough). In it he talks about proper angering. I realized while listening to it that a lot of my stress in dealing with uPDw is me not being able to vent anger. I repress it and it taxes my system. With a PD confronting them is a no win. No JADE, medium chill, and more recently(as I learn to see through her behaviors) Grey Rock have really helped me. Knowledge of her condition(CPTSD fight type .. aka cluster B narcissist), my own(codependency and CPTSD[fawn/freeze type]), re-traumatization from covert narcissistic abuse, and our particular relationship dynamics has been the key to getting my sanity back. Though I'm tempted by self-doubt sometimes, I mostly trust my perception of reality and don't let her reality drag me in(much)... I guess that's what coming Out of the FOG is.

Back to anger. I think having a healthy way to vent anger when my uPDw engages in crazy-making behaviors, projects or blame shifts, and when she is constantly guilt tripping and shaming me through contemptuous, scornful, passive aggressive, "Woah is me. I'm a victim" scoffing looks is key to my learning to stay committed at this stage in my coming Out of the FOG. I think after learning healthy anger release for a while, the quantity of times I am affected by her behavior might diminish. God willing!

[GentleSoul]

Wow, Frances29.  We seem to be married to the same man!  The heavy drinking, arms, legs flailing, snoring, stinking of booze etc.

Him "tiptoeing" into bed about 2am.  Hammered and thumping about like a baby hippo!  Bouncing off the furniture!

In his own room now he can drink as much as he wants till the early hours and it makes no difference to me.

Quiet like a baby rhino...

I wish we were married to the same man, you can keep him, please stop sending him back to my house, LOLL

LOL!  No, it's ok, you can have him!

[Cascade]

I’d love to have a room of my own! I took over one of our empty bedrooms for my hobby but it doesn’t have a place to sleep and even if it did I wouldn’t risk sleeping in there on a regular basis because I’m financially dependent on him.

[livinginmyhead]

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock, the BIFF technique, only interact when necessary.

Feign polite interest and treat like that awful co-worker you can't avoid.  Be civil but close yourself off.

My own room for the win.

[MountainGal]

Frances29 and GentleSoul, you guys are killing me. I've been living separately from my BPD partner for almost a year. Lately i've been thinking about trying to live him again, but one of my biggest sticking points is that I don't want to give up my room! He snores and wakes me up and he's so messy!

I'm thinking about whether I could ask him to get a sleep study as a condition of living together again. I think it would hurt his feelings if I kept my own space, but maybe it would be a good boundary for me! Sleep is so crucial.

[GentleSoul]

Frances29 and GentleSoul, you guys are killing me. I've been living separately from my BPD partner for almost a year. Lately i've been thinking about trying to live him again, but one of my biggest sticking points is that I don't want to give up my room! He snores and wakes me up and he's so messy!

I'm thinking about whether I could ask him to get a sleep study as a condition of living together again. I think it would hurt his feelings if I kept my own space, but maybe it would be a good boundary for me! Sleep is so crucial.

Hi Mountain Gal

I very much agree that getting good sleep is crucial. 

There is no way on this earth I would share a bedroom with hubby or anyone else.  I just could not do it.  I love my own space.  I love going to sleep gently listening to a podcast of my picking.  I have a single bed with the prettiest of bedding sets on it.   Is just LOVELY. 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. 

[Frankie14]

Frances29 and GentleSoul, you guys are killing me. I've been living separately from my BPD partner for almost a year. Lately i've been thinking about trying to live him again, but one of my biggest sticking points is that I don't want to give up my room! He snores and wakes me up and he's so messy!

I'm thinking about whether I could ask him to get a sleep study as a condition of living together again. I think it would hurt his feelings if I kept my own space, but maybe it would be a good boundary for me! Sleep is so crucial.

 

MountainGal, my H had a sleep study. The findings were sleep apnea, mild to medium, the doctor at the follow up said his snoring, flailing, punching were from obesity (70 pounds overweight) and alcohol use before bed.

The doctor told him, cut down the weight and cut out the alcohol and you will have a better nights sleep, proper REM etc., H decided to gain more weight and increase the drinking ...

So the sleep study probably won’t work even If they find apnea.

You can only ask your BPD partner, I don’t even want to say ask because as grown women we aren’t asking for anything. I would say, I would like to give this another shot but my sleeping is very light and I will need my own room.

Keep it very flat and matter of fact. Sticking to the point. I am willing to come back if I have my own room, with a slight JADE of I’m a light sleeper, I need my own room.

Need. You NEED IT. You aren’t asking.

Good luck!

If I didn’t have my own room, if I didn’t make the majority of the money, I’m CERTAIN I wouldn’t have been “allowed” to have my own room. My dad always said you have to have you own money as a woman. You need your own power.

I hope you situation works out the way you would like. With the PD partner - we will always put up with too much. BUT we need to sleep in a peaceful environment at night to restore and recharge ourselves. It’s our right.

[delmiss]

And yes, we probably should start another thread about this, I’m sure there are things I haven’t even thought about doing.