I’ve had enough.

[CoffeeCup2]

I don't know if this is residual from uNPDx or not. Whatever it is, it is horrible.

I won't go into exquisite details here, but there's some toxic situations going on right now. Maybe I'd be better prepared if I wasn't only one year out from seven years of hell. I don't know. I feel as though nobody wants to listen to me complain about it either. So I keep my mouth shut, because the only advice I'm getting is - "deal with it".

I'm getting tired of certain people (males) contacting me who I have zero interest in and find either annoying or over the top. I don't return their messages. I'm a real b*tch.

I go offline so nobody can see if I'm around or available. I don't return calls. I just want to be alone.

It's a real difficult time right now, and I just feel like the best way through is to remove myself from everything, not speak to people if I don't have to, and just keep to myself. Of course, pour myself into work, because that's what I tend to do when I feel like this. For what it's worth, it went from drinking my face off to working long hours. Oh well.

I lose confidence in friendships I value. I hesitate to do or say things, and when I do I feel like they think I'm an idiot.

It sucks, I'm totally ranting, and I'm sorry. Just when you think things are looking up! 

[11JB68]

It's hard to trust people in general. I've had a run in with someone at work that really set me back, and a long tone dear friend started ghosting me...my circle right now is very small, but very tight...and even then I don't share everything.

[CoffeeCup2]

It's hard to trust people in general. I've had a run in with someone at work that really set me back, and a long tone dear friend started ghosting me...my circle right now is very small, but very tight...and even then I don't share everything.

I can understand.

I just don't think I have the tools to deal with anything right now.

[Associate of Daniel]

I think we all go through periods like this, for various reasons.

I'm currently going through similar.  Even isolating myself from friends because I can't face the reality of what's going on in my life.

But I know I'll come out the other side eventually.

I just need time to process and heal. As do you, from the sound of it.

AOD

[athene1399]

Coffee Cup,

No need to apologize. We want to listen. What you are going through is important. Maybe those who are telling you to "just deal" aren't the right audience. Unless you've been through the abuse, it's difficult to understand how it impacts all levels of functioning. We totally (and unfortunately) get that here. There is no way to "just deal" without talking about your feelings and working through it. The trauma programs us all to think and act a certain way (that is maladaptive, but was good for survival in that situation) and causes a lot of anxiety and/or trust issues. Sometimes when the trauma is removed, we don't know what to do because we are so used to the abuse. It makes us uncomfortable to not have the familiar abuse. Healthy relationships make us uncomfortable because we don't know what to expect or how to act in them. Getting comfortable takes time.

On a side note, I've totally blocked guys on FB because they can't take a hint. I didn't want to deal with it. It's not being a bitch; it's having boundaries. Talk to those who respect your boundaries and are okay with you going off the grid from time to time. If they don't try to understand what you are going through, then they wouldn't make a good friend IMO. THere's also nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. I still need my alone time.

[CoffeeCup2]

Coffee Cup,

No need to apologize. We want to listen. What you are going through is important. Maybe those who are telling you to "just deal" aren't the right audience. Unless you've been through the abuse, it's difficult to understand how it impacts all levels of functioning. We totally (and unfortunately) get that here. There is no way to "just deal" without talking about your feelings and working through it. The trauma programs us all to think and act a certain way (that is maladaptive, but was good for survival in that situation) and causes a lot of anxiety and/or trust issues. Sometimes when the trauma is removed, we don't know what to do because we are so used to the abuse. It makes us uncomfortable to not have the familiar abuse. Healthy relationships make us uncomfortable because we don't know what to expect or how to act in them. Getting comfortable takes time.

On a side note, I've totally blocked guys on FB because they can't take a hint. I didn't want to deal with it. It's not being a bitch; it's having boundaries. Talk to those who respect your boundaries and are okay with you going off the grid from time to time. If they don't try to understand what you are going through, then they wouldn't make a good friend IMO. THere's also nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. I still need my alone time.

I'm not the only one here using the "block" feature!  That's refreshing to hear I'm not alone (no pun intended) in all of this.

I realized how much the trauma effected me. I realized that I keep my head low and don't make eye contact when I'm walking. If a cute guy smiles at me, I freeze and don't know what to do. I probably look like a huge bitch doing that. It sucks. It's like I'm trapped.

Being alone the past few days has really helped though.

[Associate of Daniel]

I hear you on the avoiding eye contact thing

It is something I made myself work on a couple of years ago and I was doing really well up until a couple of months ago.

I've unfortunately regressed and am back at the stage of not wanting to go out anywhere or even be with friends or family.

It's frustrating.

But I guess we'll get there eventually.

AOD

[CoffeeCup2]

I hear you on the avoiding eye contact thing

It is something I made myself work on a couple of years ago and I was doing really well up until a couple of months ago.

I've unfortunately regressed and am back at the stage of not wanting to go out anywhere or even be with friends or family.

It's frustrating.

But I guess we'll get there eventually.

AOD

Hey AOD,

I regressed into my current state too. I was doing really well. It's just so much that bubbles up to the surface these days.  Social interaction doesn't help. People who do not understand boundaries doesn't help. Being around people who are toxic doesn't help. Being completely alone and removed from the world does. That's what I'm going with.

[xredshoesx]

it sounds like you are focused and in tune with what you need and refusing to accept less than you are worth- which are both healthy and essential when coming through our collective experiences- think of all the times you were not allowed to feel anything because you had to get up and COPE without regard to your emotional health-  circling the wagons when you need to is important and please don't be down on yourself for putting self care first as you heal.

as for internet dating, i had to tell someone that no milk would ever be our milk, and told another fellow he'd have to provide a credit card number if he wanted to continue speaking to me in such vulgar terms.....  it did certainly help me test and develop boundaries tho.

[athene1399]

If someone private messages me and i get annoyed, I generally block them. Like if they pop when I'm in the middle of something with a "hey..what's up? want to hang out?" it's like you don't have my number for a reason. If I wanted to see you, you'd have my number. Generally if they do that about 3 times and don't take a hint when I brush them off, I block them. There are people I'm totally fine with messaging me (like my best friend sends me pics of her kids, my other friend and i touch base once in a while to keep in touch, and then I have my university friends where we discuss assignments), but if it's someone else who starts to sound like they want to date (when my profile picture is me and SO) then I block.

I've never been an eye-contact person. I've been working on that. I just get too self-conscious. I assume they have an ulterior motive and want to take advantage of me in some way (can we say "trust issues" lol) or they are looking at me because there's something wrong with me (I've always felt defective- working on that too). But even through all that I have a successful relationship with a man who is not abusive. I do keep my guard up with him, but I tell him when and why I am doing it since I am a work in progress, but he is a work in progress too. We work together and grow together. He tells me when he's self-conscious about something I am doing because it's a trigger from his BPDxw. We talk about it and work through it. And I started telling him my childhood abuse triggers.

And I still go through phases where I need to be alone or left alone. I tell him that too. We live together, but he gives me space when I need it. If someone can't respect your boundaries, then why have them around? I used to let them around because that's how I was "trained" in childhood, but then realized I don't need to live like that forever. It sounds like you have realized that as well. Don't feel back to take up space or have needs. And don't feel bad to vocalize those needs. When living with PDs, we weren't allowed to have needs so it feels weird now having them, or even asking for things. The rest of the world is okay with us saying "I don't feel like doing x" or "I really wanted to do y today" and is willing to negotiate and compromise.

I hope I didn't go too off topic. I hope some of this helps. I'm always so wordy!

[CoffeeCup2]

If someone private messages me and i get annoyed, I generally block them. Like if they pop when I'm in the middle of something with a "hey..what's up? want to hang out?" it's like you don't have my number for a reason. If I wanted to see you, you'd have my number. Generally if they do that about 3 times and don't take a hint when I brush them off, I block them. There are people I'm totally fine with messaging me (like my best friend sends me pics of her kids, my other friend and i touch base once in a while to keep in touch, and then I have my university friends where we discuss assignments), but if it's someone else who starts to sound like they want to date (when my profile picture is me and SO) then I block.

I've never been an eye-contact person. I've been working on that. I just get too self-conscious. I assume they have an ulterior motive and want to take advantage of me in some way (can we say "trust issues" lol) or they are looking at me because there's something wrong with me (I've always felt defective- working on that too). But even through all that I have a successful relationship with a man who is not abusive. I do keep my guard up with him, but I tell him when and why I am doing it since I am a work in progress, but he is a work in progress too. We work together and grow together. He tells me when he's self-conscious about something I am doing because it's a trigger from his BPDxw. We talk about it and work through it. And I started telling him my childhood abuse triggers.

And I still go through phases where I need to be alone or left alone. I tell him that too. We live together, but he gives me space when I need it. If someone can't respect your boundaries, then why have them around? I used to let them around because that's how I was "trained" in childhood, but then realized I don't need to live like that forever. It sounds like you have realized that as well. Don't feel back to take up space or have needs. And don't feel bad to vocalize those needs. When living with PDs, we weren't allowed to have needs so it feels weird now having them, or even asking for things. The rest of the world is okay with us saying "I don't feel like doing x" or "I really wanted to do y today" and is willing to negotiate and compromise.

I hope I didn't go too off topic. I hope some of this helps. I'm always so wordy!

Not too wordy at all!  I appreciate everything offered. It helps so much to just talk things out.

I too am very much in need of alone time quite often. I've always been this way. My uNPDx thought I was broken, messed up, because I enjoyed being alone. This is why I have very specific requirements for who I will and will not date in the future, obviously in general, but also more specific. I couldn't be with someone who has the same hours of work as me all the time. Yes, this is picky, but it's important to me to have time to myself.

I'm trying to time warp back to when I know I was happiest, most confident, etc. This was about 20 years ago (LOL!).  As odd as it sounds, I'm trying to re-live the feeling I had during that time and doing some of the things I did.  I listen to music that brings back those memories. Anything to bring back the feeling. So far, I'm feeling bits and pieces coming back.

It's a process. A slow, tedious process. 

[athene1399]

That is a good idea to listen to music to bring back good memories.