Communication boundaries

[lotusblume]

Hi everyone,

I recently posted about re-opening the doors of communication with my FOO here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=80274.0

After attempting NC for almost a year with constant breaches by my FOO, I'm now LC with them. I haven't spoken with my parents on the phone for over a month and thankfully they haven't called. I had also told one parent that I still need space and I have other things going on in my life that requires my attention (jading, I know).

But the texting!!!

It started out more on weekends, a little text here or there, and I would take a day to respond something super low key and sometimes let them know I'm busy. Some texts I would just not respond to.

But now, they are ramping up the texts. If I don't respond in a day, the next day there is a text. I don't respond to that, the next day is a text.

It's sucking emotional energy from me and I am prepared to go NC again if that will be best for me. I am okay with LC for now, but I'm wondering if I should verbally set a boundary, something like:

Too many texts, I'll reach out when I want to talk.

Or if I should just respond when I feel like it and ignore when they get obsessive.

Obviously just the fact that I'm posting here shows me that I'm pouring energy into how to handle them when I could be detached and unaffected... Not there yet.

Any suggestions?

Thanks a lot.

[MamaDryad]

The disclaimer on this advice is that my mother doesn't text. But based on my experience with her phone calls and emails, I'd say you have a couple of options, depending on what your goals are for contact and what you know of their personalities.

You can certainly say "this is too much; I'll contact you when I'm ready," but you may need to supplement that with an app that blocks their texts or filters them to a folder that you can check when you feel ready without notifying you when they come in.

If you think it's likely that setting a verbal boundary would cause them to escalate, and you don't mind letting them shout into the void a little bit, you could also skip straight to filtering the texts, check them once a week [edit: or at whatever interval works for you], and hope that they eventually taper off when they don't get responses as quickly as they want.

For me, I needed to avoid the anxiety spike I got whenever I got an email notification from her, so I have a gmail folder called Quarantine that I check when I feel able to cope.

[Kiki81]

If you want them to stop texting you, stop texting them back.

People don't continue with actions that don't produce the desired result.

[illogical]

Hi Lotusblume,

It has been my experience with my NM that "Give an inch, they'll take a mile."  That's what appears to be happening here.  Your parents have found an avenue of communication that you didn't specifically object to, so they're off to the races!

I would absolutely lay down a boundary here.  A possible reply--

"I am asking you for some space here.  Please respect that and confine your texts to once a week.  I will not respond except on Fridays" (or whatever day you pick here).

I would decide on a time you are going to respond and try to wean them to that time.  They apparently think they can have "free access" to you.  Sure, you told the one parent that you "still need space and have other things going on in your life that require attention", but it seems they have stomped that boundary and see a crack in the door via texts.

The key to boundary setting is delivering consequences.  If there are no consequences for violating your boundary, there will likely be no respect of your boundary.  So set your boundary and state the consequence-- or not-- just take action to enforce that consequence.  If you tell your parents that the consequence of multiple texts is that you won't respond except on Fridays, do it. 

They may still violate your boundaries by having/creating "emergencies" that they "require" you to respond to.  The key is not to react immediately, but respond when you decide you are ready.  So if there is an "emergency" you might have to make a decision if it's worth violating your rule to respond only on Fridays.  What I'm saying is that PDs are quite adept at stampeding boundaries.  You have to have your consequences firmly in place and constantly reinforce them.  If they continue to trample them, NC is always an option.  Good luck!

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree with Illogical, especially when it comes to "emergencies" - respond when *you* feel emotionally ready to handle it, and *when* you know the emergency will be over.   

UnBPD Didi didn't have a cell, a computer, or know how to text (thank the Old Gods and the New!), but she'd leave messages on the answering machine, and after her, so would unNPD Ray.

1.  Breathe.  You are the LAST person on earth who can do anything about it, and your parents will need to call a *doctor*, an *ambulance* or a *taxi* to take them to the ER.

2.  Any other emergency - plumbing, electrical, pharmacy screwed up - don't respond.  Eventually, they'll get the bright idea to call a plumber, an electrician, or the pharmacy.

3.  If they *don't* do any of those things, that's *not your problem or your fault.*   Your parents are *adults* and should know these things, by this time in their lives! 

I'd often wait 3-5 days before returning any calls - especially emergencies - because that time, the crisis would be over, and probably forgotten about. 

Didi would just use guilt as a weapon, which I'd deflect with, "I was busy, and figured you had it under control."     (After several false-starts, I had her *trained* to call a cab or an ambulance.)   

When she complained that I wasn't at the ER  to visit, I stuck with, "All I'd be is in the way, so I waited, and then I didn't hear anything, so I stayed here."   

In other words, I wasn't going to chase her around the hospital, trying to figure out where she was. 

Ray would take a different tactic - he'd BLAME me.   He fell, couldn't get up, had to crawl into the house, called me, I didn't answer, so he had to call his Visiting Nurse, and *bother her* in getting him up off the floor. 

What I would say was, "You're supposed to be using a cane or walker, as the doctor ordered, AND you have Life Alert.  Push you button - help comes instantly."   

He'd retort that canes and walkers were for OLD people (he was 88!) and he didn't want to BOTHER the people at Life Alert.   

Well, that's really not my problem or my fault, is it?  I don't just sit  on a shelf, waiting for my marching orders.   

Telling your parents to knock it off with all the texts, in any manner you choose is up to you, and best left to your discretion - you know your parents best, and how they'll react.

Sometimes, a PD will actually *listen* if given a direct  instruction, but IME with Didi and Ray, they were both the type to say, "She can't tell ME what to do!  I'll just do it MORE and screw her!" 

The *only* times an actual boundary worked with unBPD Didi was when she threatened "suicide" (she was going to drive off a bridge, because I couldn't take her to the hospital to visit Ray - what I wanted to say was, "Hey, can't you drive off the bridge when you're done visiting him?"     ) - I told her if she ever did it again, she'd be explaining it to the paramedics; is THAT what she wanted?   

Then I said, "This requires and answer - is THAT what you want?"

She snotted, "No, MOTHER!" - but she never did it again.

The other time, she'd embarrassed the hell out of me in a  crowded waiting room, scream/wailing about a cute toddler, playing with her toys, "Oh, don't you WAAAAAAANT one of those?!!?!?!?"   

I leaned in close, and quietly said, "That doesn't concern you.  That is between DH and me and the decision has been made.  The topic is closed.  Do not bring it up again."   

Nobody else heard me, but she began to "sob" and grab her wattle, fan her face, shake her shoulders, shudder and shiver, gulp air - you know, the whole performance - and I could only wonder what the people around us thought (and found I really didn't care, because I'd probably never see them again!)   

She never did bring it up again - but those are the only two times I laid down a boundary that she didn't try to smash, knowing that if I *dared* say something, there *would* be some sort of consequence - paramedics being called for "suicide" - and the possibility of me declining to drive her anywhere if she persisted in demanding a grandchild.   

Like I said - you know your parents best, and what kind of resistance/backlash/*revenge*/or side-step they'll try - or if they'll comply (but watch that they don't start creeping back up on you after a week!)

And please remember - at any time, you can go back to NC  for as long as you deem necessary.   

[SunnyMeadow]

Nobody else heard me, but she began to "sob" and grab her wattle, fan her face, shake her shoulders, shudder and shiver, gulp air - you know, the whole performance - and I could only wonder what the people around us thought (and found I really didn't care, because I'd probably never see them again!)   

This description of shock and outrage by DiDi made me laugh! And grab her wattle....   

I've experienced my uNPDmother putting on the same performance many times. It's a sight to behold. Ohhh how I wish I had been strong enough to address my mother like you addressed DiDi. I know mine is gearing up for a big performance and I'm mentally storing away bits of the replies I read here to deal with what's coming. These people suck