Absolutely no possibility of reconciliation...

TwentyTwenty · June 26, 2019, 10:44:41 PM

Just a mini-vent...

SO.. I've been informed in an email by my FOO that I am 'evil'. It's taken me some time to realize the depravity of a human that will resort to devaluing their child to this point. I think of all the horrible people through history that have been labeled 'evil' in sociological terms, and wonder how a parent can equate their own child with the absolute worst trash to ever exist in the universe. My initial thought for a split second was to cave on my NC and demand to know by what or who's standard I am 'evil'; but I know very well any reply will only feed the narcissist, and I avoid that at all costs. I know who I am, and who I am not, and that's all that matters.

My FOO has long weaponized faith, scripture and God against me, that I deserve to be 'struck down'', etc; so apparently this now is the rationale that gave them the right to hold these positions.

The great thing is, that I place zero value on anything at all that is voiced by such hateful people, and vow to never utter even one single word in reply to anyone that believes that I'm 'evil'.

Never again, not one word, ever.

WomanInterrupted · June 27, 2019, 12:42:56 AM

I'm so sorry, TwentyTwenty!

There's *no* level they won't stoop to. Comparing you to the dregs of humanity - there's no cause for it, but they'll do it anyway, just to see if they can light a fire under your butt, and get back into your little scapegoat box.

Yes, I write with heavy sarcasm, I can *certainly* see how going NC is like Hitler's Final Solution.

Or any other of the other dregs I can bring to mind, right now: Manson, Stalin, Bundy, Gacey, Dahlmer, Jim Jones.

They're comparing you to psychopathic mass-murderers, serial killers and cult leaders for *not being a Dutiful Daughter.*

If that's how they feel - that's how they feel.

But you can live your life in the SUN knowing you're doing *nothing wrong* - you don't want to be treated like garbage, taken advantage of, used, and constantly receive negative feedback no matter how hard you try - you'll never get it right, jump high enough, move fast enough, be good enough, pious enough, or *anything* enough.

As they age, their world will become smaller and more insular - new GCs, new SGs - with discards and rejects until nobody is left except reaching out to *you* for help in either a demand letter or a waifagram

, detailing all their many self-inflicted woes - sad, bored, lonely, old and oh so siiiiiiick.

The higher part of my mind says ignore it. They've made the mess. They can clean it up.

But the *base* part of myself would *love* to say, "I'm busy invading Poland."

Be you! Leave them behind in the rear-view mirror, where they belong - and get on with yourself, because you ARE worth it!

Call Me Cordelia · June 27, 2019, 06:02:55 AM

Good for you!

You didn't say this explicitly, but I take it your parents have the opinion that you're going to hell. And they are going to heaven, of course.

So there you have it. As you say, eternal separation, no chance of reconciliation. I believe that our heaven or our hell begins during our earthly life, by our own choices once we become capable of making them. Choosing to devalue people to the point where you will say anything about them to avoid that personal responsibility... that sounds like a fast train to misery to me.

I fully support you having nothing to say to that. Leave them to their choices so you can be free to make yours. And heal from that awfulness.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My FOO didn't use the word "evil" but they similarly devalued, blamed and shamed, and made up all manner of slander against me to get me back in that dutiful daughter box. Far from motivating me, they dug the grave of their relationship with me deeper and deeper until finally I reached them same conclusion you have. Sometimes there's just no going back.

scapegoatnumerouno · June 27, 2019, 07:48:48 AM

Saying nothing at all is perfect. Good for you!!!

TwentyTwenty · June 27, 2019, 03:12:30 PM

You folks and this forum are an incredible source of support and strength! I appreciate your encouragement and support!!

Kiki81 · June 27, 2019, 06:58:39 PM

"Evil."

they'll say what they know will strike a chord within us. It's usually, not coincidentally, projection.

Groundhog Day · June 27, 2019, 09:05:43 PM

I beleive that the anger, hatred, loss of control seems to trigger these extreme verbal names and accusations. My M had also said some vicious things to me and I truly beleive it was to get a reaction of guilt, pity and to see how far she can go before I said enough. I think all her life she has associated love with controlled obsesions over my F. Had to tell him what to wear, what to say or not say, who to love or hate, etc.

I am not defending their verbal attack against you makes it right or devaluating their child or order to mold you, guilt you is their way to get revenge or hurt you in a way that shatters your heart. I, like you have been told mean names.. she wished she had an abortion, hated me, called me heartless, told me f you, deshoned me and tried to turn my grown up children against me. We have to heal from those hurtful wounds and move on. It does not mean we have to forgive and forget but we have a choice. The choice is ours to take, not them. You know who you are and it's all that matters.

Call Me Cordelia · June 27, 2019, 09:45:57 PM

Quoteshe wished she had an abortion, hated me, called me heartless...

You're not the first who's written their mother said they should have had an abortion. Your mother literally said to you she wishes she had killed you when she had the chance. And then called YOU heartless. I cannot even. I'm so so sorry. That has to be just about the worst thing a mother could ever say.

Saywhat · June 28, 2019, 01:08:11 AM

I've been called evil and mentally deluded my entire life, even when I was a dutiful daughter, and as far back as I can remember. My earliest memory of this was when I was around 5 and my NMPDm took me to a costume party where people were dressed up in dark robes and face masks. I was really unsettled by it, and told my mom later. Her response to a scared 5 year old? 'You always see me in such a negative light! Why would I take you to a scary place?' Hence I was deluded and a bad daughter for voicing my fear.

I think PDs project for a number of reasons. One of them is to avoid taking any responsibility for their actions. When we go NC, for instance, they almost have to project evil on us because the alternative would be admitting that maybe, just maybe, their daughter has a good reason to not want to talk to them.

Another reason my NPDm projected is that she herself was still 'haunted' by her own childhood trauma, and saw demons literally everywhere. Everyone was evil except my little brother, the GC, who was an angel in her eyes. The rest of us were trash born to make her life difficult.

Saywhat · June 28, 2019, 01:09:57 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on June 27, 2019, 09:45:57 PM
Quoteshe wished she had an abortion, hated me, called me heartless...

You're not the first who's written their mother said they should have had an abortion. Your mother literally said to you she wishes she had killed you when she had the chance. And then called YOU heartless. I cannot even. I'm so so sorry. That has to be just about the worst thing a mother could ever say.

Omg, I am so so sorry for this.

Danden · June 28, 2019, 07:57:31 AM

Groundhog day, and anyone else who has had to hear "I should have aborted you"

Here is the perfect comeback: "Me too, I wish I had never been born from you."

Just a thought.

KeepingMyBlue · June 28, 2019, 08:32:17 AM

I was worried about the faith angle until some sweet soul on this site showed me this link.

http://www.luke173ministries.org/FAQAboutAbusiveNarcissisticAndPsychopathicRelatives

There's a page about forgiveness that has been beyond valuable to me.

Blue

bloomie · June 28, 2019, 10:12:52 AM

TwentyTwenty - What strikes me as beautiful in your post is that you refused to internalize vile condemnation of yourself.

You see clearly the invalidation and refuse it. That takes strength, stability, and resolve to live a healthy life and refuse to be defined by another's false accusations and judgment of our character.

This is spiritual abuse - the weaponization of scripture and abuse of us through our deeply and honorably held beliefs attempting to divide us from the ultimate source of truth and comfort and The Bible is very clear about this kind of thing and your rejecting it and refusing this attempt to cast you down is oh, so very wise.

A great resource in my own recovery from spiritual abuse along with the resource above from KeepingMyBlue shared is this article: https://www.nacr.org/abusecenter/spiritual-abuse

For those of us who have been told in one after another brutal ways by our mother's that they did not ever want us - in my own case - myself and my sibs were told repeatedly that if there had been effective birth control she would've never had a single one of us as she never wanted children...

My response is... I am thankful I was born and thankful for the life I have built from the ashes of a truly painful growing up experience and I am thankful each and every one of you are here as well fighting for our very lives at times, healing, supporting each other, gaining ground and freedom from the unhealthy ties to toxic people.

newlife33 · June 29, 2019, 03:24:29 PM

Quote from: Kiki81 on June 27, 2019, 06:58:39 PM
"Evil."

they'll say what they know will strike a chord within us. It's usually, not coincidentally, projection.

second this. They say the things they don't like about themselves to others so they don't have to deal with their own shit.

Gaining Clarity · June 29, 2019, 06:59:04 PM

I'm sorry that you even had to hear that from anyone; let alone family.

The irony is that these people who think you are so evil (or in my case, think I'm crazy and a problem) are exhibiting the exact opposite. If you're so evil, then why are they even bothering to email you? My FOO says that I'm crazy and the source of all the family problems, but they regularly try to contact me to find out when I'm going to speak to them again

And ITA with Kiki and New Life that there's A LOT of projection going on with them. My uNBPD mom has accused me of things that she has literally done or said to me.

for you for not taking the bait. I have found that there is so much power in not responding/reacting at all. The fact that you stand resolute is everything.

doglady · June 29, 2019, 11:22:01 PM

Yeeeees, well, if you ever needed further reasons to stay NC, being called 'evil' would certainly be up there with the best of them.

Of course, their comment speaks volumes about the type of people who would say this about their own child. Probably not the effect they were hoping for.
In the same vein, I've been called 'something wrong', 'horrible' and 'a problem.' Which is a more polite way of saying I'm evil too I guess. And that I've 'ruined' lives, but PDM will 'still be going to heaven' - mainly because I've called out some FOO BS.
Keep the strength. You're doing great.

TwentyTwenty · June 30, 2019, 01:42:18 PM

Thanks everyone.
Knowing you're not alone in this is comforting. In one hand it's sad knowing there is a widespread problem that has impacted so many of us; but in the other it's just reassuring that we can relate to one another in a personal way with our own version of these tragedies. Folks fortunate enough to have good FOO relationships just simply can't understand or relate.

I appreciate you all more than I can say!

bostonbound · July 14, 2019, 05:34:31 AM

Quote from: Call Me Cordelia on June 27, 2019, 06:02:55 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. My FOO didn't use the word "evil" but they similarly devalued, blamed and shamed, and made up all manner of slander against me to get me back in that dutiful daughter box. Far from motivating me, they dug the grave of their relationship with me deeper and deeper until finally I reached them same conclusion you have. Sometimes there's just no going back.

Yes, this!!!!