Ugly looks from a Toxic Former Friend

[NotFooled]

About 5 years ago I had a blow up with a group of close friends.  When DH and I got engaged, one of them went on a smear campaign against me and long story short my DH and I ended up distanced or estranged from our other friends. 

This very toxic friend (will call him R) works at my company.  I work for a large company so R and I rarely cross paths except on occasion walking through the halls.  In the past when we've seen each other, he either pretends he doesn't see me or  occasionally gives a polite hello.  On those polite occasions I've responded back with a polite hello.

In the past year I've been battling cancer but continued to work through most of my treatments.  I've spent most of my time at work at my desk and not getting around very much mainly just taking things slow. I also worked from home on my chemo days.  So people that don't work in my immediate vicinity haven't seen me in some time and I look very different.  My hair is very short, from having fallen out due to chemo.   It's growing back somewhat but it's coming in grey.  I think it looks cute kind of like a pixie cut but it's very different from my long dark hair I once had.  I also lost about 40 lbs.  So yes I look different than I did last year.

Well now that my treatments are over I'm feeling better and started to go to lunch, go for walks ect.. So I've noticed most people that I haven't seen for awhile don't recognize me.  I understand that because I look different. 

Well Yesterday I ran into R while going on my walk.  R gave me a look of disgust, revolt and shock, like I was some kind of freak, no polite hello just a complete jack a*s reaction.   This just reinforced my opinion of what a horrible person he really is.  He may not know about my condition but his reaction was flat out obnoxious.

Also it was triggering for me and now I'm not as inclined to go for my walks, I don't wan't to run into this person anymore.  I think if he ever tries to say hello again I'm just going to ignore him completely, like he's invisible. (I know that sounds childish on my end but not sure what to do).

Any advice on dealing with a toxic person like this that you can't avoid seeing?

[notrightinthehead]

If you enjoyed your walks and they were good for you, please don't let this person deprive you of them. Don't give him any power over you. He can make the ugliest face he can make, it only reflects on him, not on you. Next time he makes such an ugly face you might want to study it. Have a good look at him like you would look at something unpleasant but interesting.

[NotFooled]

If you enjoyed your walks and they were good for you, please don't let this person deprive you of them. Don't give him any power over you. He can make the ugliest face he can make, it only reflects on him, not on you. Next time he makes such an ugly face you might want to study it. Have a good look at him like you would look at something unpleasant but interesting.

Thank you      I feel better and decided not to let this person get me down.  I even went for a walk on our company track today for lunch.  I know I need the exercise to get my strength back.

[SerenityCat]

  

[clara]

I wonder if he didn't recognize you at first and his reaction was an honest one he has towards people who don't meet his "approval?"  If so, he probably does this to everyone he sees whose appearance he doesn't like.  And if he did recognize you, it's equally vile because he knew exactly what he was doing and what he was trying to convey.  In any event, he was telling you about himself, one way or another, and if I were you next time I saw him I'd act like I didn't know him.  If he says hello, just stare at him like what business does he have talking to you?  Because he doesn't warrant politeness, he doesn't warrant acknowledgement in any form.  He's shown his true colors (once again) and they're vile.  And it's his problem, not yours or anyone else's.  Make him own his behavior by refusing to change yours.  Like others have said, don't give him any power over you.  If he doesn't like your or anyone else's appearance he can just lock himself in a dark closet and stay there!

[newlife33]

I have dealt with people like this at work.  I found that as I healed and got stronger boundaries those people began to lose their power over me.  I would see them and think, "wow, that person looks terrible/sad/morbid/angry" but I wouldn't absorb the energy, i would just observe and move on.   Eventually those people stopped looking at me and would walk by without a thing.

[TriedTooHard]

Please don't give up your walks, if they were good for you.  Fortunately, this person is not a big part of your life, so hopefully you can find a way to grow in strength as he fades into the background and you don't notice him anymore.  It is not childish at all to ignore him, you are protecting yourself.

People with NPD project their own self loathing onto others and sometimes it seems that the tactics they use on others eventually need to be used on them.  But, we use them for different reasons - for peace and wellness.

It is quite common that they project this self loathing onto their peers as they age.  I have seen and heard many inappropriate reactions from NPDs regarding what women decide to do about grey hair.  It is a testament to their complete lack of awareness to even consider that there could be a health issue causing the short hair or lack of dye.  Whatever the reason, its none of their business!