Agonizing over decision to go "no contact" with BPD friend

[nine_pound_hammer]

I recently got divorced and moved to a new city where I knew almost no one. I met a guy through a dating app, and although we got along really well, I quickly realized that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him. He became infatuated with me almost immediately, and we maintained a "friends with benefits" situation. He was super sweet, and helped me with all kinds of things, even helping me unload the U-Haul truck I rented and accompanying me to IKEA to buy furniture for my new apartment.

He told me pretty early on that he had been diagnosed with BPD. Since I have struggled with OCD for many years, I know how difficult it is to live with mental illness... so I tried to be as empathetic and supportive as possible. At some point, though, the discrepancy in our romantic feelings for one another started to cause serious problems. He would have random "freak-outs" where he would become irrationally angry, jealous, and accusatory. Sometimes his emotions would cycle so quickly that one minute he was professing his undying love and the next he was calling me a monster and telling me to leave him alone. I took everything he said at face value, so it was confusing and hurtful and anxiety-inducing.

These "freak-outs" escalated to my friend informing me that he was engaging in self-harm (usually cutting) and occasionally sending me pictures of the damage he had done. Sometimes he would even self-harm when he was staying the night at my apartment... going to the bathroom and cutting his wrists or banging his head against the wall. One time, he swallowed a bunch of painkillers and then threw some of them up when I found out what he had done and told him I was going to call an ambulance. It was frightening and upsetting and it shook me to my core, but I tried to maintain my composure afterward and comfort him while he cried in my arms. I had previously revealed that a friend of mine committed suicide when we were in college, and that I felt responsible for not doing more to help him. (I thought I had "talked him down," but he killed himself shortly after getting off the phone with me.) The fear of losing another friend to suicide was clearly a trigger for me.

There's so much more to the story, but suffice it to say that I feel like I've reached the end of my rope. It seems like the only viable path forward is to cut off contact with my friend completely, but I feel paralyzed. I don't want to lose the only friend I've made in this city, especially after he's done so much for me. I want to support my mentally ill friend and be patient with him, because that's what the people I care about have done for me in the past. I feel guilty and selfish and (perhaps most of all) terrified that my friend will commit suicide and it will be my fault for abandoning him when he needed me most.

I tried to cut off contact on Friday, but my friend convinced me to take the weekend to think about it. Now I'm supposed to talk to him today, and I'm simultaneously scared that I'll (a) not have the guts to go through with it and hate myself for giving in to him, OR (b) cut off contact and lose a friend... possibly to suicide.

I'm exhausted, and I don't know what to do.   

[appaloosa]

I'm so sorry you're faced with this difficult situation. I lost an old college friend to suicide (in her late fifties) and I know the guilt is real. But the bottom line is, you are not responsible for another person's illness. And unless you are a therapist/MD you are not qualified to help him. You are responsible for yourself, and it sounds like this 'friend' is draining you emotionally as well as manipulating you. Can you find a therapist to help you with your decision? Or even a good friend via phone? (since you said you didn't know anyone in your new city) As far as 'losing your only friend'--imo you'd be much better off without such a friendship.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

What a stressful situation you are in.

Your friend really needs long term professional mental health support. As a friend that is the best thing that you could support your friend in getting. You need support as well.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She threatens suicide regularly for many years. Whenever she does that now I immediately call for emergency help. She knows that I will do that now. She is not my responsibility. Your friend is not your responsibility. Give the responsibility of your friend's care to the professionals. It was what I was told by an ex mental health service user who used to feel suicidal themselves. I've always remembered that advice.

Whatever happens stay calm.

The author and counsellor Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome says that threatening suicide is a form of abuse. I had never thought of it like that before.

She also says that you can't fix anyone else because you didn't break them.

She has many videos on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez" which you might like to take a look at. They may help you.

I wish you well and hope you can get more support.

guitarman X

[SerenityCat]

nine pound hammer, I so agree with what everyone else has said so far.

You aren't responsible for anyone else's mental health.

Your friend needs professional mental health help.

You need to focus on yourself. No matter what anyone else says.

In a similar situation I needed therapy for myself. I also needed to call 911 every single time my friend threatened suicide. I also used a crisis telephone line for support for myself going through this.

I do believe that threatening suicide and involving others over and over again in a traumatic fashion, while never actually accepting help and working on recovery, can be a form of abuse. Friends who try to convince you to do things that jeopardize your own well being are being abusive.

You are not able to stop your friend from killing themselves. If they die, you did not make them die.

In the past, when your friend helped you out at times, that is just what friends do for each other. You two did not sign a contract stating that you then have to be available for all sorts of traumatic challenges.

You don't want to enable your friend and you don't want to be in the way of them getting the help they need.

Choose yourself. Your healing and safety. Your friend has put you in incredibly unsafe situations. Boundaries are healthy. They need professional help. You need to focus on yourself, with support.

[Penny Lane]

Hi nine_pound_hammer and adding my welcome to you.

You say you don't want to lose your only friend there. But is it possible that removing this friend from your life would free up your time and energy to make other, healthier friendships?

You might also check out the toolbox here for strategies to set boundaries and exit this relationship.

Good luck, I will be rooting for you and I hope you'll come back and let us know how it's going.

[StayWithMe]

I would try to tail off this relationship as smoothly as possible.  I've had problems with clingy men so I've developed some rules for myself:
1. Men are not able to downshift from lover to friend.  Even if they suggest doing that, it's only a ruse to remain in contact with you.  you will later be accused of leading him on.
2. Men will go from clingy to controlling. They are not as helpless as they want us to think that they are.
3.  since I seem to get blamed for everything, I have learned to remove myself from situations sooner rather than later.  This guy could be setting you up which is why you need to disengage.
4.  If you are looking for a boyfriend, having this guy around is only going to chase away any guy who might have been interested.  Men are risk averse.  They rarely hit on a woman who is out with a man.  Or take the time to investigate what kind of relationship she believes she has with her escort for the evening.