What to say to kids therapists

Started by renogal, July 01, 2019, 11:07:30 PM

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renogal

We have recently figured out that NPD birth mom is altering reality and telling the therapists of all 3 kids lies.  Do we attack directly with therapists advising we believe (from my own therapists suggestion) that mom has this diagnosis, and fits Queen model?   Kids are 10, 12 and 15.  Oldest two have been in counseling for 3 years due to "family abandonment" issues with mom prior to dad's divorce.  We have also learned that birth mom immediately dislikes anyone involved in kids care, if she can not control/sway/alter their perception and thinking.  Who had dealt with this and best way to handle?

athene1399

We had something similar with the doctors. BPDBM thought SD had some disorder and if the doctor didn't agree she would argue. It was tricky to do, but we started having SO (SD's dad) take her to the doctors instead. This was also happening during the time when BM wouldn't let SO pickup SD on his time, but she started scheduling doctor's appointments on his time as a reason for him not to take SD. He finally said "I'll take her to the doctor" and that's how that got solved. It was kind of a perfect storm that worked out for us.

With the counselor, we had an issue with that that we couldn't resolve. Turns out the counselor BM picked out for SD was one of her friends. Total professional no no, but that made it difficult for us to explain to her what was going on (we were dealing with parental alienation at the time). But in your case, I would think both parents have access to the kids' medical records, so you can have Dad call the therapist and ask how the sessions are going. He can state his concerns, but if it comes off as finger pointing the T may not listen. If you heard from a T that BM has the NPD diagnosis, then you can say that as well. Maybe try to give an example of how BM's behavior is affecting the kids negatively and what you are hoping their T can help them with. Like are you afraid they are confused because BM is stating Y when X happened? You can even have Dad ask the Ts how you guys can help and properly support the kids as they work through this.

Are you guys taking the kids to the T or is BM? It may be easier if you are the ones who have been taking them all this time.

Whiteheron

 :yeahthat:

I gave examples of their uPD dad's behaviors (he has been dx bipolar, so I made that clear) and told both T's (each child has their own T) that the kids needed help navigating their dad's unpredictability and behaviors. There was no finger pointing, just "this is what happened, this is how child felt/reacted, if you could help child navigate this type of situation when it comes up again in the future..." I asked them to help give coping skills to the kids, as stbx's behaviors have only worsened and he is inconsistent with his meds.

DS's T came right out and told me from my description of stbx's behaviors it sounded like he had a personality disorder. So if you give enough examples (if BM hasn't been formally diagnosed), a good T should get it.

I also check in with the T's on a semi-regular basis to give updates or to let them know if something is going on in the child's life that I think they need to be aware of - especially if the kids are coming back to me extremely unsettled and upset - I'll give the T's a heads up that something is going on at their dad's house. I try to be very careful to not blame, to not probe for information - just give the facts I see, and leave it up to the T to probe further and help the kid (s) come up with strategies to deal with whatever behaviors stbx is exhibiting.

It's likely the T's see what's going on, especially if what your kids say in their sessions doesn't match what BM is saying.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

Stepping lightly

Hi,

I would stay away from giving the kid's T the diagnosis opinion from someone else who hasn't actually seen or evaluated BM (or your assumption of the problem).  Unless she is formally diagnosed, I imagine this would not look good for you or your T.  Honestly, it's only fair, because on the flip side, who knows what BM is saying is wrong with you/Dad.  Let her look like the vindictive one.

Just inform the T on what you experience.  Be clear about what you have 1) experienced first hand, 2) been told about what happened.  Being clear on these 2 things, will help build credibility.  Be specific, "DSS reported that X happened with BM", not "BM did X".

Penny Lane

I'd second what everyone here says - stick to factual behaviors. And if you're correcting what she says you don't REALLY need to get into it at all, just a quick "I want you to know that what actually happened was XYZ." You may not even need to say you're directly contradicting her. And if possible frame it as asking the therapist advice on what YOU should do.

For example:
BM tells the therapist that the kids were hurt and disappointed when dad didn't come to their event on her time.
You find out she said this.
Next appointment, dad brings the kids in and says "BM tells me the kids were upset I didn't come to this event. I did not realize this and in fact I didn't realize the event was happening - BM got the notice and didn't share it with me, and the kids didn't mention it. I too was disappointed when I found out! Do you have any advice for how any of the three of us could handle this situation in the future to prevent those feelings of disappointment?" (Or alternatively, "Maybe you could work with kid on how to manage situations like this in the future?")

And generally if I were your husband I would be making sure I'm playing an active role in therapy - don't let BM schedule all the appointments on her time, stay in touch via phone, etc.