through the looking glass

[sevenyears]

So, a year ago today the children and I moved out - several months after I filed for divorce and custody. Since then, they have been going back and forth between me and my PD on a weekly basis. They are now 7 and 4. This arrangement was put temporarily in place by my daughter's social worker because my uocpd stbxh refused to agree to anything else. She threatened to have my daughter and son removed from us unless we agreed to something on that day, so I caved and accepted. The family judge engaged a GAL last October, who recommended in December that the children live primarily with me. My stbxh refused to accept that. So, in March, the judge assigned another GAL or PC (I'm not really sure what they are called in English). In May, they informally recommended that the children keep the weekly transfer arrangement because they didn't want to create a new living arrangement for them and tried to push us into a settlement. THey also informally recommended that I have decision-making authority. Those informal recommendations went nowhere. I couldn't accept the living arrangements, and my stbxh refused to accept that I have decision-making authority (Not fully legal custody, but something just short of that). So, they conducted one hour home evaluations of each of us with the children last May. Next week, they will meet us together to tell us the results of their study. I am very nervous. They said there is no reason to bring my lawyer because they will not try to find a settlement. But, I'm still nervous they will pressure me to accept something I'm not in agreement with. And, I'm worried that they will find my uocpd stbxh's parenting appropriate and mine too passive. Somehow, the family judge finds his controlling, authoritarian behavior appropriate. I suspect that GALs will fall for that too. During our home study, I let the children choose what they wanted to play. I have this strange premonition that they will see that as not effective parenting. I feel like I've stepped through a looking glass here where everything is backwards and I'm misjudged, while my PD manipulates the system with his anger and refusal to cooperate.

[SerenityCat]

sevenyears do you have any support specifically for you? Therapist, social worker, attorney?

You were told that there is no reason to bring your attorney to the next meeting, maybe check with your attorney and see if they think they would like to be present anyway.

Do you have a friend that can be with you to witness and support?

Can you do some advance journal work and writing about what you would and would not agree to?

If you start feeling pressured in the meeting, can you have something prepared to say in response, such as that you need time to think about it?

[athene1399]

IMO I feel it is appropriate to let the children choose what game they want to play. As they get older you can give them more choices, like what's for dinner. It would be a different story if you let them choose their bedtime.

I also understand the "through the looking glass" metaphor. SO and I would bring up stuff to our L and legally it didn't matter. For example, we told him BPDBM said per her L we had to do X, but we found out that wasn't true and that she was trying to scare us into giving her what she wanted. Legally, that doesn't matter.  She can say that all day long "per my L you have to do x" and it makes no difference if it's just a lie in a custody trial.  The stuff they didn't care about boggled my mind.

I think SerenityCat has great suggestions. Maybe role play with a friend. Have your friend try to pressure you into something/giving in and practice your responses. It sounds like you don't want to give in so you shouldn't. I also agree with Serenity that you should ask you L if he/she would like to be present. Maybe it doesn't matter, but maybe your L would like to be present to hear the results from the GAL.

[sevenyears]

Athene and Serenity, thanks for your support and helpful advice.   I am pretty isolated. My friends network was primarily a circle of moms in my old neighborhood. But, since I've moved out (and my stbx stayed in the house), I haven't had much contact with them. My recent move to the neighborhood near my daughter's school and with lots of families will be really helpful in establishing a new network. It just takes time.... I no longer see a therapist. I did see one when I was considering divorce and continued through the trial. But, I've stopped going since it was no longer helpful. I haven't lined up a new therapist since my L said that the family judge or GALs might then use that as evidence to give weight to my uocpd's assertions that I'm not fit to parent because of an episode of depression in my past. And, my FOO is multiple time zones away and dealing with their own life hurdles.  Right now, Out of the FOG is essentially my support network. It has been a lifeline knowing that there are others out there who understand, and who can give advice. Even when I'm not really active, I do read lots of postings.

I hope the GALs will be reasonable. The home visit seems like window dressing. The main problems of stbxh are when the kids are tired, so after dinner and before bedtime. Plus, he was in hoover mode. Now that the next meeting has been set, he's cycling away from hoovering.

[Penny Lane]

You can tie yourself into knots thinking about how a PD might twist a totally reasonable situation like the game. I hope the evaluators see what's going on. It sounds like you've gotten some positive recommendations in the past (although not everything you'd want), which to me is a good sign.

I hear you about the looking glass. Sometimes it helps me to take the long view and think, even if the PD has a victory now it's often short-sighted and hollow. We can counteract that by focusing on the long-term things that benefit the kids the most.

I hope you'll come back and let us know how it goes, I'll be thinking about you.