A moment of desperation

[relief1925]

Since my last post we've had some devastating news.  Literally a month ago my dad started complaining of back pain.  The month has been a blur but he's since been diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, I'm devastated beyond words. My beautiful kind and loving dad, I'm broken for him.

After a couple of weeks of back pain and finally being admitted to hospital he made a sudden decline, he was constantly sleeping, only awake to shout in pain, he also lost the use of his legs to which they discovered a tumour pressing on his spine.
He was transferred to our city hospital, a good 40 minutes drive.  With two young children, one of which at school and my mum always being at the hospital I had a moment of desperation.
I text my mother in law to explain the situation, it just felt like something I should do.  While I explained that I didn't want constant texts and faffing, I expected more than 'sorry to hear this, wishing you and your family all the best'.  I suddenly felt disgusted in myself, what on earth was I expecting.
I felt so desperate, I was worried about my husband being off of work to long I'd hoped that maybe she'd put herself out there, just offer to sit downstairs with my 1 year old while I visited my dad...but nothing.  Apparently she asked my husband for more information and said to him 'if you need anything you only have to ask'.
We managed, my husbands work were very understanding, thankfully.
Dad has improved enough to come home, hopefully sometime this week, we don't know what the future will hold as it is only managagble...not curable.

I'd managed to get myself in a more positive state after seeing dad on Sunday, we'd come home and for the first time in what feels like a life time we were home as a 4 just enjoying some peace.
Then a car pulls up, after years of asking them to ask before coming over and it falling on deaf ears, the deem it appropriate to turn up at dinner time, I refused to go to the door, my hisnand asked them if he'd missed a text?
Their excuse for turning up unannounced or when we've said no is always becuase they want to give us something, a present. This time it's 'but we've got something for *my dad*'
A gift bag with a box of cheap chocolates and a get well soon card' shocking, my dad as leverage, they don't even see my parents. And again, I'd stated it is not to be discussed in my house around my children and she is prying for information on my door step, I shut the door on them all, I'm so angry, I'm so angry with myself for letting them in to this delicate situation

[Poison Ivy]

I'm so sorry about your father, relief1925.  This certainly is a devastating development.  For your in-laws to respond the way they did is hurtful. 

[bloomie]

relief1925 - I am so sorry for this diagnosis and for all that you and your dear family are going through. My heart is with you!

Please do not beat yourself up for reaching out to your in laws in a moment of crisis. In loving families that is what we do and we pull together to help and support and pray and cry and love each other. Your behavior, your choice was completely normal.

Their response is self serving and there are just no adequate words.

[Cat of the Canals]

I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this.

I agree that what you did was normal. You're in crisis mode. It's a natural response to seek comfort and assistance from family and friends. Unfortunately, your inlaws sound like they are cut from the same cloth as mine. Instead of rising to the occasion, they continue their normal behavior, which is to be insensitive, intrusive, and rude.

[relief1925]

Thank you for your kind words.
My dad is doing well considering! In his head he is going for years, my rule to myself right now is that while he's smiling I'm smiling.
He has a spinal cord compression due to a tumour pushing on his spinal cord, so he lost the use of his legs. Today he managed to walk to the bathroom (in hospital just across from his bed) and I'm so thrilled for him. He is determined to walk properly again. He is a genuinely beautiful man.

I don't know why I decided to disclose on here, but this website has become a part of my life for a couple of years now.
Part of me felt that, in times like this I could just open a door.  When we thought we were loosing dad imminently as he was so so bad before his radiotherapy, my husband said how lucky I have been to have such a strong and wonderful figure in my life, how he wishes he had that, while my family treat him as one of their own, it's not the same is it?  I felt this surge of guilt, what if something happened to his parents and I've been this wall in between them?
When I saw the car outside I just couldn't let them in, again at what has been one of the most traumatic times of my life and I've expressed my need for privacy, again they've taken it upon themselves to completely ignore my wishes! If they'd text to say they were coming I'd never had said no, again I suddenly felt the need for my daughter especially to see some happy faces, some normality.  But I can't let them in, I can't trust them to not worry my delicate 5 year old.

Part of me wants to say that none of this matters, these petty arguments seem so small and irrelevant. While another part of me says follow your gut, things just don't change, people just can't change.
How crazy was I to think that people I have 0 relationship with, people that have no respect could help me in or I would WANT them to help me in such a desperate time.
My husband and I have coped, his work have been so supportive, we've got each other.
Lesson being, never underestimate your own strength, not matter how low you feel, how terrible life can get...you're stronger than you'll ever know