Another Update regarding how my \friendtreats me in regard to her sister

[countrygirl]

Hello,

Well, I have yet more to write about my PD friend.  I have already written about how badly she's treated me during her sister's visit.  I have something else to add.  At the beginning of the week, she said that she and her sister would come to my neighborhood toward the end of this week and that she wanted to treat me to lunch.  At this point of the game, going to lunch is one of the few things I am able to do with regularity. due to my physical limitations--and she knows this of course.  So I decided to chill out about the earlier treatment which I have described here.  But, then, I remembered the lunch invitation, and how there had been no follow-up, even though I had spoken and texted with my friend several times yesterday. 

I thought that maybe she would suggest today, but instead she texted at eleven-thirty, saying they were gong to a really obscure historical site at twelve, so she had to get ready.  Then she phoned before I even had time to reply.  I said,  "So I guess we aren't having lunch?"  She immediately became defensive and reactive.   Keep in mind, that she has already screwed me out of two day trips within the past couple of week, and had apologized for hurting my feelings.  Even so, she then proceeds not to follow through on lunch.  And this after I had taken her for a really nice birthday lunch, and when her sister was last in town, had also treated the sister and nephew to lunch, including the sister's drinks.

I text her"  "It's as if I don't even exist."  And this is how her treatment makes me feel.  No reply.

I sincerely hope she doesn't call me tonight. 

I just don't understand her.  She seems intent on keeping the friendship, in one way, but she's insulting me and ignoring me.

I don't know what anyone can say about this.  I guess I will just go medium chill with her, because I don't know what else to do.

This is very painful.

[clara]

I am SO sorry you're going through all of this, countrygirl.  Honestly, sometimes I think they do it deliberately because they know it causes us distress and they like feeling they can control us and our emotions, and at other times I think they're actually oblivious to their behavior and instead have a "live in the moment" type of attitude where they feel like doing something one moment and the next they don't so they don't do it.  We just have to stand on the sidelines waiting for them to make up their minds.  And be available when they want us around! 

It's a totally self-centered approach to life, which is something hard for non-NPDs to understand.  We take into consideration those around us. NPDs don't.  We're just actors on their stage, and they're the director.  They can't see themselves in relation to us, only us in relation to them, if that makes sense.  Outside of our involvement with them, it's almost as if we don't exist (hence their often lack of interest in us or our lives unless it somehow also involves them).  Your friend's treatment of her sister is pretty good evidence that your friend is only investing in relationships that are somehow "paying off" for her.  I've seen this with the NPDs I've known.  They find someone who keeps their supply going and hold them close as long as the supply continues.  Meanwhile, the person they're engaged with is made to feel special and loved and welcome.  In reality, the person is just a means to an end.  When you start viewing yourself from the NPDs point of view, it becomes easier to disengage from them because it helps bring the reality of what they're doing home.  You're there only for them.  They're never there for you--not in a healthy sense.  So, when your friend discards and disregards you in the ways she's done, she's only acting according to her nature.  It's like when your sweet pet cat catches and kills a mouse.  The behavior can seem surprising until you remember she's a cat, after all, and it's in her nature. (I'm not taking credit for that analogy--I read it somewhere else, possibly on this site!)

That doesn't make it less painful, because we still like to think of them as our friend because in many ways, they are.  But they're only friends to the extent they can be friends, and no farther.  Sometimes you just have to learn to enjoy your time around them (when it's enjoyable, that is) and just sort of forget about them the rest of the time, same as they forget about you.  Then they come around again, and the whole pattern repeats.  If your friends calls you, I would bet she's going to either have some excuse that you are expected to accept and understand, or act offended at your reaction, or likely both.  But they are never at fault.  If they admit fault, you can bet your bottom dollar they're up to something.  For example, in my last encounter with my NPD "friend," he was full of apologies over not keeping in touch, not spending more time with me etc.  I waited for the other shoe to drop, and sure enough, it did.  He was also getting ready to move and started going into some detail over the move including showing me where he was moving.  I asked him when he was moving and he told me, and I said well, just let me know.  I didn't exactly offer to help, but I also didn't blow it off.  My vague response to what I knew was a request for help has resulted in no more contact from him.  I know he's expecting me to contact him, but I'm not doing it.  I've placed myself out of his control.

I know you already know all this.  I'm not stating anything new.  You feel what you feel, and the hurt isn't any less painful just because you understand its source.  You don't want to kick this friend out of your life, but you also want to find ways of dealing with her that don't cost you emotionally.  What I tell myself is--yep, I feel the hurt, because I'm human.  But I can deal with it.  It's not going to control me and send me into a spiral of self-doubt and ego-stomping like it would have not long ago.  I put the cause back where it belongs--on the PD.  I won't take ownership of it.  Right now I'm reading a wonderful book called "Educated" and in it the author says one of the biggest life lessons she learned is that the greatest power a person can have is the power to control another person's self-image. 

Anyway, take care and hang in there!

[countrygirl]

HI Clara,

I can't begin to express how much your reply means to me.  Thanks you so much for saying so many informative and helpful things. 

I do need to learn that "it's all about them."  And that Ns can never be in the wrong.   

It is interesting that you placed yourself out of your NPD's control.  I did something similar with my friend last night.  As soon as she could tell that I no longer cared about having lunch, she tried to take back the reins by saying that she would "let me know" if lunch on Monday would work.  To which I replied,  "Oh, that's okay, please just go ahead and spend the time with your sister."   I told her that I had assume that we would be meeting for about an hour, as we always do, and that then she and her sister would be off to do their thing (because I'm not physically up to doing much), but that didn't seem to be possible this time, so she should just give my regards to her sister, and that she could use my health as an excuse for us not meeting up. 

Although we parted on what seemed like good terms, she is continuing to punish me today, by not doing so much as texting me.. something which she's been doing on every other day.  I have also noticed that often, when you are nice to Ns, they will then really step all over you.  There is no way to win:  If you stand up to them, they attack you for that; if you're nice, then they feel empowered.   

To me, it feels as if  punishing  me for having had the audacity yesterday to speak up about being slighted.  When I reminded her that she had issued the lunch invitation, saying she would treat, she said that they had been rushed.  But they hadn't been.  They had stayed at home the day before,  and all they did yesterday was go on a house tour.  It would have been very easy to have had lunch with me and then continued to the tour; my neighborhood is on the way.

I have noticed that when Ns are called on their behavior, they turn the tables.  In fact, she told me that if I had wanted to have had lunch, I should have said something!  I pointed out that SHE had issued the invasion on Tues., for the end of the week, so I had expected her to say something.  Instead, she texted me at eleven-thirty, to say they were doing something else, and didn't even note that this meant we wouldn't be having lunch.  I noted that she hadn't even bothered to say anything. 

Well, I could go on and on--but will draw this to a close.  I am going to refer to your message in the future, because it contains so many insights about Ns.  I do indeed expect her to act like a normal person, but she isn't a normal person.  The only reason that this friendship works, to the extent that it does, is because I make so many concessions, which I do need to do with my more normal friends.  What I really hate is that I continue to care!  I have to find a way to stop that!

[treesgrowslowly]

I agree with Clara wholeheartedly.

There should be no shame in talking about how hurt and how painful it is to be in a situation where an NPD has gotten to us.

I've agonized over the hurtful inconsiderate behaviours of others and there was always a period where I wanted the NPD to recognize and see my hurt.

I hope others can post some ideas as well on how they processed the pain of being friends with a Narcissistic or NPD person.

[countrygirl]

Hi Trees,

Thanks for your response.  I am having a particularly hard time with my friend's behavior this time because everything ramps up during her sister's visits.  I have been confronting various aspects of her behavior for a while now, and have been having less and less tolerance for them.  But the behaviors are so much more extreme during these visits, so I am doubly perturbed by her and by the fact that I'm still friends with her.