Are you angry and how do you cope?

[Sidney37]

So my uPDM has been giving me the silent treatment for well over a month and things have been bad for 3 months.  I've realized during the silence that no contact is the answer, but I am now incredibly raging angry.  Any time anyone takes control away from me or tells me one thing and does another I get angry.  I'm angry that I've been raised by such dysfunctional  people.    Is this typical?  Did you get angry and how did you cope? 

[athene1399]

I used to get far more angry than I do now, but I still have my grrrr moments. It's usually when I feel taken advantage of. Sometimes I think about stuff that happened in my childhood as an outsider would see it and get angry ( it was my normal so I thought nothing of it at the time, and now I'm like wait... that was so messed up!). Someone suggested to me I sit with it for a bit. I wasn't allowed to be upset when I was a kid so I think just experiencing the anger and acknowledging it is good.

However, that doesn't mean i throw things and act crazy when I'm mad (but I used to.). I've learned healthy ways to express it. Sometimes I clean. I also make sure I tell who made me angry that I am upset (unless it's my FOO because that wouldn't go over well). For example, i can be honest with my SO when I get angry and we discuss it and figure out a way to meet each others' needs in the future. Feeling heard about my anger is huge for me (probably because my feelings were never heard or validated by my FOO). Sometimes I remove myself from the situation. I have a coworker who triggers me. I leave my desk and breathe deeply some place quiet for a few minutes. I guess that's mindfulness, focusing on your breath. Sometimes I think about what triggered me. As I said I've figured if I feel taken advantage of I get mad (but maybe it's something else for you). For me I can meet that need by expressing why I am angry to someone. Like "I feel like you are taking advantage of me when you do x" and generally they say that is not their intention and we discuss how to make things better in the future. If it's my FOO, I generally enforce my boundaries as I can't reason with them.

Basically you have to figure out healthy ways to express it and work through it. The solution will probably be different for everyone depending on what issue from our childhood is driving our anger in adulthood. If it's just our childhood in general that makes us angry, maybe just acknowledge how messed up it was and sit with that feeling. It will run its course and eventually feel less bad. We were generally told there was nothing wrong in our childhood (at least I was) and that we weren't allowed to be upset. Let yourself feel now what you weren't allowed to then.

It's totally okay to be angry, but we can't let that control our behaviors. I used to let it drive my behaviors (just like M lets it), but that's not good.

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh yes. I was furious. I still am, sometimes, especially if a boundary is crossed or if my uPD mom or uPD mil do one of their "drive-by" insults, and I don't fully realize it until later.

Journaling has helped me a lot. For a long time, I was afraid to admit all of the things I was angry about, especially the things from my childhood. Because in my family, the only person who was really allowed to be angry was my mother. I think writing down all those feelings helped me reclaim my anger as something I can deal with instead of trying to ignore.

As far as whether it's typical, almost everything I read about detaching from a toxic family member says you will literally feel grief. And anger is one of the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

I actually thought it was silly to refer to it as "grief" at first, but now I think it's pretty accurate. I've definitely gone through all those, sometimes moving backward or forward and leap-frogging from one stage to another.

[bohemian butterfly]

Yes, absolutely. 

I used to fight anger because I was never allowed to express it, only my mother was allowed to get angry.  Now, I don't stuff it or hide it, but I let it flow through me (I don't hold onto it, I acknowledge, let it express (in a healthy way - like have a good ole ugly cry) and let it go in the wind.  If it tries to come back, I remind it that I have released it into the cosmos and it will transform into positive energy.

[Lilyloo]

I am 65. At age 50 I started being really angry.  I had hidden all that anger for years. I didn't even know I was angry.  I was feeling depressed, full of anxiety. I excused my mother most of my life until things that were absolutely wrong started happening with her. Her need to be center of attention, her rages, her total all about her attitude. I have no idea why age 50 triggered the past but anger took over! I started reading all I could about NBPD'S and then I knew why I was angry. I still am! I lost so much of my life suppressing it, that it boiled over

Shes old now and worse than ever. I don't know how we cope?  It's why I'm here with others who totally understand. I think we just have to feel the anger, learn how to cope and move on to the next stages. I wish I knew how to help more...

[WomanInterrupted]

Yes, I used to be incredibly angry too, because I wasn't supposed to get angry.  Everybody else around me could yell, scream, pitch a fit, but I was expected to be the calm, reliable Rock, who just took it all.   

It also used to take me a while to realize I'd been insulted - and by the time I realized it, it was too late to do anything about it, so I'd get angry about that, AND my delayed realization.

Yeah - angry at the other person and myself.  What a great combo!   

And, I'll admit, I was angry at myself for being *played* for so long by unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, failing to take into account *they installed the programming when I was a baby, so I really need to give myself a break.*

I'm just glad I DID realize it and got the help I needed in putting order to chaos.   

What helped me was time, distance and a LOT of reading - I think we own just about all the books the site recommends, in one format or another, and several others that DH and I happened upon elsewhere.

I also journaled my ass off  - out of 6,000 pages, I think probably 1/2 of it is angry ranting, trying to make SENSE of things.   

Now I'm not walking around with a ball of anger inside me, waiting to FOOM all over the first hapless person that violates a boundary.  I use my *words* and I'm a *lot* faster at realizing when I've been insulted - and calling bullshit on it. 

I still have my "Grrr!" moments  - but react *accordingly* and *appropriately.*  Things are dealt with quickly, usually don't escalate, and *only* will if my boundaries are  being trampled (that's usually DH, who still has a little trouble recognizing that his boundaries don't take priority over mine).

Knowing Didi is dead and Ray will never, ever be able to hassle me again are *huge* factors in shedding my anger - they tried to wrest control of my life away from me, and will never do it again.   

If you've decided NC is your answer - take back CONTROL and *do it.*  You'll probably be scared as you block numbers and social media, and send their emails to a spam folder - but you'll probably feel *relieved* that *you made this decision.  You decided what you will and won't put up with - and if your mom is going to act like a Jerkisaurus Rex, THEN give you the ST - well, sorry, that shit stops NOW.*   

Flying Messenger Monkeys?  Block away. 

If your mom has another "health crisis" or a real one - well, that's for HER to figure out.  YOU need to have NO involvement, because you'll only be in the way, and you know calling or visiting later is only going to enrage or *trigger* her to behave badly and snap at you.

And that will *rightfully* make you angry!   

One thing my anger did was allow me to keep putting up boundaries with Didi and Ray, because it's a LOT easier when you're pissed off, to say, "No.  I can't do that."   

In retrospect (ah, hindsight - it's always 20/20), instead of lowering contact, and lowering it again, a few more times, I should have just gone NC the minute stuff started escalating.

On one hand, my anger made it easier to keep them at bay, but on the other, in some ways, it was like I drank the poison and was waiting for them to get sick.   

You can take *control* back and go NC - then work through your anger with journaling and reading, to figure out if it's a *healthy* anger (self-preservation) or toxic (you're not allowed to say anything so it festers inside you.)

Screaming at your journal can work WONDERS!  Just writing it out of your head until you feel *drained* - it's very effective.   You've an audience of one, you can say anything you want, use all the bad language and insults you want - and put it somewhere.

Believe it or not - you're going to be OKAY!   

[Sidney37]

Thanks all.  Like many of you I wasn't supposed to get angry.  I wasn't supposed to be sad either.  If I expressed any of these emotions, I was punished with shame, shunning and cancelling vacations/holidays.  I was supposed to take all of her mean words, insults, criticisms, everything without a reaction at all.  Looking back, she must have expected me to be a little robot with a smile on my face and the proper hair cut that was never in my eyes. 

I was stunned how angry I am getting at people violating my boundaries in the past few months.  It's like athene said that it happens when I feel taken advantage of and it's hit HARD recently.  My neighbor cut down trees and branches and now my yard feels like a fishbowl with her staring at me in my yard from her kitchen window.  I planted more trees, but they won't be tall enough to block her for  a few years... she cut more trees.  It was a violation of a boundary of privacy and I flipped out in the middle of my yard on my husband.     Like a crazy person.   My DD wouldn't pack for camp in the 2 weeks I had been asking her to pack so we could shop at a time convenient to the family schedule not the last minute.  She waited until the last minute and insisted that I cancel appointments that I had to take her shopping the 2 days before camp.  I was furious.  It stunned me.  But that's what it is.  It's a violation of a boundary and it makes me so very upset.  I'm not sure how to make it stop.

I need to learn how to sit with the anger and not immediately respond.  I'm not sure how to do it, but I'm trying to step back and not well up with fury when the boundaries are violated.  Maybe I should try journaling.  I haven't written anything since high school because my uPDm would find my journals and read them no matter where I hid them.  I've been afraid to write or journal ever since.  Any other suggestions on how to sit with the anger?

I'm looking around my house at furniture and trinkets that my uPDm bought me and want them out of my house NOW.  They are making me angry to look at.  She bought me a piece of furniture as a wedding gift.   I wanted a different style of the same thing that was slightly more expensive, but fit my style.  She had a particular budget in mind and wanted to buy it "right away" at the first store we looked.  I offered to pay the difference to get what I liked.  She refused.   Now I have something that doesn't match my style, house, etc.  I've talked about selling it before because it doesn't fit in my house, takes up too much room and she has threatened to never speak to me again or buy me anything again if I did.  I should have taken her up on the offer.  Now just looking at it makes me angry.  I'll never get enough selling it used to replace it with what I want, but I hate looking at it.  It reminds me that the only other thing for my wedding she paid for was my dress.  We paid for everything ourselves.  We wanted to pay so we could make the decisions.  We didn't want help from any of the parents because they would complain about cost and try to take over.  She insisted on buying my dress.  It didn't suit me.  Didn't fit me properly, but she was Hell bent on buying it at the store in the town where she lived and buying what she liked not what I did.  I cried for 8 months before my wedding about that dress.  But she said if I backed out of the dress and lost the deposit, she wasn't coming to the wedding.   

So I've read lots of books about narcissistic mothers and about boundary setting.  Now I guess I need books on how to cope with anger in a healthy way.   I also probably need to sell this furniture that is making me so angry.   The trinkets are headed to the basement for now.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is a video by Debbie Mirza specifically about dealing with the anger after narcissistic abuse that I found really helpful:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIVYxJrYiZI

[Sidney37]

Thanks so much!!!

[illogical]

Absolutely sell the furniture.  Or better yet, donate it to Goodwill or The Salvation Army. 

The "anger stage" is part of the grieving process-- i.e., grieving because you were dealt the short end of the stick and didn't get a loving and caring mother/father.

Not trying to preach, but one has to take care not to get "stuck" in the anger stage.  It can happen and nothing moves forward.  You just remain pissed and stuck in stalemate.

So my humble advise to you is to definitely get rid of that furniture (a trigger) and tell yourself "I've got to move on with my life.  Life is unfair.  Yeah, I drew a short straw here, but many others on the planet have it a helluva lot worse than me."

Take care!

[Wilderhearts]

My experience is that you can't move forwards from the anger stage (and therefore avoid getting "stuck" in it) unless you move through it.  Moving through it definitely starts with sitting in it.

It's great that you're getting angry now - I know this sounds new-agey and flaky, but I think it's important to honour our anger.  I just let myself sit with it for a while, sometimes a long while, and I tell myself I'm angry, or if I'm angry with a person I have a safe, healthy, loving relationship with, I'll tell them "I'm angry."  Just that acknowledgement is powerful, because it states to them that they crossed a boundary, and because I'm speaking up that shows I'm not willing to tolerate the same thing again - it's unacceptable and it needs to change.  It's also an empowering experience for me to express my anger as someone who was fear-conditioned into repressing it.

The last step for me is enacting boundaries.  I learned from the tool-box that boundaries are not rules we set for others - they're our willingness to tolerate or not tolerate behaviour, and how we respond to behaviour.  When it's pointless to be honest about my feelings, a person isn't open to learning about their behaviour or willing to change, there are consequences.  Flake on me repeatedly and think you have nothing to apologize for?  I don't make plans with you any more.  Hypercritical co-worker at work?  Arrogant self-serving coworker?  I don't ever ask their advice or include them in conversations. 

When it's within my power, and people have shown me they're unlikely to change, I no longer give them opportunities to make me angry.  Just exercising my power like that resolves my anger, or at least some of it.

[illogical]

Wilderhearts has some good advice about boundaries with consequences-- they serve to give you some control over the situation.

One other thing I wanted to say is that I started going to the gym on a regular basis and the physical release helped me cope and push through.  From your post, you recognize that your anger is spilling over into other areas of your life-- what I would call "misplaced" anger-- and you posted you are aware of that and that's good, IMHO, because recognition of a problem is the first step in solving it.

So in addition to trying to put things into perspective (I know that's a tall order here), what helped me was a healthy physical outlet.  Even catching yourself before you "go off" and getting out of the house and going for a walk might help you cope. 

[Sidney37]

Thanks.  The gym makes a HUGE difference.  I was actually in a bad accident last year, so my PT is insisting that I can't go to the gym.  She doesn't want me doing much of anything.  Lack of exercise is too hard on my mental health and I'm looking for a new PT.   There has to be a balance. 

[illogical]

Hi Sidney37,

So glad you are looking for a new PT.  There has to be something you can do.  People in wheelchairs can exercise (in a limited fashion).  I can't imagine your current PT would advise you not to exercise long term. 

Besides a physical workout, you might try getting into something new-- like a new hobby, e.g.  Whatever you are interested in.  Art, music, meditation, the outdoors.  Maybe think back to when you were a teenager and what you liked to do and re-kindle an interest?  There are a myriad of possibilities.  You are on the right track here!  Shifting the focus from our parents to ourselves is not an easy task, but it is necessary to reclaim our life.   

[Sidney37]

Thanks Illogical
We are totally on the same page.  I started an art class a few months ago.  I'm also trying to start gardening again, too. 

[bostonbound]

 Linda Loo - I could have written your post. I am 58 now and didn't realize the anger was growing and growing and growing until I have no tolerance at all anymore. Any little thing that he does annoys me.  And my dad is also worse than ever.  I am really tired of the toxic relationship.

[WomanInterrupted]

Sydney - in my mind, I can hear my chiropractor giving your PT a  brisk talking-to, when it comes to you not going to the gym - and I second your idea for finding a different PT, who supports you regaining your physical strength.   

When I was going through an intense period of grief over losing our cat Arlo, I threw myself into making sheers, drapes, blackout drapes, valances, roman shades, and taught myself to reupholster, too.

Not only did it help me block out the unbelievable grief  I felt as his passing (he was a very special cat, in very many ways), but I could smile and say, "Hey - I MADE that - and it was inspired by Arlo!"   

Sewing and reupholstering helped me with my incredible anger at unBPD Didi and unNPD Ray, too - because I could *block it out and concentrate on something else* - until I got to my journal to let myself vent and fume.

Then post funnier, rule-abiding versions of that stuff, here. 

I did every soft surface in our home, that spring, summer and fall - I'd hear the machine go off and Didi's death-rattle voice go on about an *emergency* and I HAD to take her to the ER...   

She'd wait a full minute before dragging the receiver across the cradle, to make as much sick, sad, weak little waif noises as possible, before "struggling" to put the phone back on the hook.   

I'd look up from my project, take a breath and say out loud, "She knows I'm just going to tell her to have Ray take her or to call an ambulance, if she's that sick, I don't know WHY she keeps doing this, but I am NOT getting involved!" - feel the anger and irritation wash through me, then go right back to my project, knowing I wasn't putting anger *into my work.*   

Nobody wants food made with anger - or furniture (even cat furniture!) upholstered with the same!   

She'd often call with "emergencies" when DH was away (she was only guessing at that point, because *I stopped telling her his travel schedule, which I thought was making conversation, but was like handing her proverbial gun, loading it FOR her and putting it in her hand to point AT me!   )  - come quick!  She spilled baby oil and can't clean it up!  Come quick!  She needs to make 2 dozen deviled eggs, and can't remember how to boil an egg!  Come quick!  I HAVE to look up a number for her or THE WORLD WILL END!!!!!!!!!!   

And I'd be in the other room, with a HUGE upholstery needle in my hand, crowing, "FUCK OFF!"   

Or up to my elbows in sisal, wrapping the upright to a cat tree (you kind of can't stop in the middle), crowing, "Eat shit and LIVE!"   

Or in  the middle of cord-wrapping the seat of an antique chair around springs, to make it nice and bouncy again - I actually yelled, "Ever since I was a kid, you've said the only thing you wanted was to die, so why don't you just DO IT and put ME out of my misery!?" 

I'd spit out my anger - get it out of my system - and go back to what I was doing, feeling calm and focused. 

Our cats were a great help with that, too.  You can't NOT have fun when you drag out a HUGE bolt of fabric that your cats are determined to play with. 

Well, they're going to be using the furniture too, so why not?  The more, the merrier!   

While I was doing the chair I'm sitting in now, I thought I heard the phone, but it was really an involved fitting and I had six cats playing in, under and around my bolt of cloth, and I was doing more laughing than actually fitting the piece  onto the back, so I took a break, just in time to hear a voice on the machine and wonder, "Who is that angry drunk lady?"   

It was Didi - and no, she couldn't drink.  But she *could* take her teeth out to sound even MORE sad and pathetic.   

I rolled my eyes, erased the message without listening to it, and went back into the other room, just in time to watch Harley dive-bomb 15 yards of fabric, unrolling it halfway across the room!   

Didi was forgotten - Harley looking like a spazzy, insane kitten - at the age of 8 - will never be. 

Believe me - I did *still* have a lot of anger in my heart  toward them, but at times like that, it just wasn't always bubbling to the surface.  I had something else to think about - things I enjoyed doing and found out I was *good at* (always a plus - especially when you decide your practice piece is going to be your SOFA!    ) -  but I got time *away* from it.   

Didi had a mate to a chair we have here - I'd given it to her in the 90's (a rolling bucket or "captains" chair, from a dinette set), and I'd redone it once for her, in a fabric she chose (thin cotton, because I didn't know WTF I was doing) - and over time, it needed to be redone, so I thought, "What the hell?  You pick and purchase the *upholstery fabric* and I'll do the rest - but I'm going to have to charge you $70 for labor and materials."  (Cleaning, refurbishing the structure (if needed - the inside of the rounded back was only a kind of cardboard and those can tear or break over time, and need to be "splinted" with generous lashings of canvas and glue, new foam, lining for the upholstery fabric, doing the buttons for the tufted back and actually tufting it so it *stayed freaking tufted!* - and a hell of a lot of sewing and fitting - a pro  would get $450 for this kind of a job.)

She had a FIT and thought I was ripping her off  - but threw $70 at me, glaring the entire time.   

When she got her chair back a week later, she couldn't believe how freaking *good* it looked - then called her neighbor to see  what I'd done - and told the neighbor I'd be HAPPY to do her furniture on the cheap, any time she liked!   

So much for that dissipating anger!   

But thankfully, the neighbor knew Didi and didn't take her up on the offer.   

Sidney - if it ain't one thing, it's another.  They have NO boundaries, so anger is *natural.*   

But it doesn't have to be all-consuming - and your house can look FABULOUS.      

[Sidney37]

Thanks.  My anger increases and decreases.  Yesterday I was sad about it all.    I don't really have a question, I think I just need to vent.  People here get it in a way that others don't.  They can't imagine a situation that would lead to silent treatment or this type of punishment over practically nothing. 

I posted in my now closed thread, that my dad posted on FB (he infrequently posts on FB) that he was waiting for test results.  I didn't see the post because I no longer follow them after they started posting snarky memes a few months ago about talking to your family before they die and about how children should love and respect their mothers.  I heard about the tests from my DH.  He still follows them.  Based on the comments from people that I know from home, it sounded somewhat serious.  No one has contacted me except for flying monkeys who haven't talked to me in months or years.  They have all come around in since his FB post asking questions about appliances, vegetable gardens, family history questions, etc.  Silly things.  I think they are all trying to see if I know about the medical situation or the results because I didn't call my parents immediately after the FB post.  I didn't know about it for several days.  I didn't even see it myself.  I haven't mentioned it to the flying monkeys, but it feels like they are waiting for me to ask them about it.  I'm not going to ask a thing.  Until someone tells me, I know nothing. 

I can certainly see a scenario in which my father has a serious illness, is terminal or passes away and she doesn't tell me as punishment.  If the tests are for a symptom he told me about in March, it's possible that it's cancer.  I'll get the "if you were talking to us, you'd know" response.  my UPDm threatened not to tell me when my grandmother passed away about 10 years ago because I didn't call my her (UPDm)  for a few days.  If I didn't call every single day at the specified time (after she got home from work, immediately before or after she ate dinner and not while she was watching TV) , she would not tell me if my grandmother passed away.  Previously she threatened financial punishment, but when she realized that I didn't care if I got left out of her will, she found a new game.  I got an online subscription to the local paper and started morbidly reading obituaries daily.  I refuse to do that again.  It made me miserable.

Of course she's giving me the silent treatment over very petty things.  Months ago she screamed at me, hung up on me, has refused to speak to me since and has told my father he's not allowed to speak to me all because I told her that I didn't like something insulting that she said to me.  I said that it felt negative and I didn't like it.  He was texting and calling in secret, but that happed for only about a month.  My guess is that she got the phone bill and saw that he was calling me.  Now he's probably getting punished, too. 

So I'm angry.  I'll be especially angry if he passes away and someone notifies me afterward.  All because I had the nerve to post a picture on FB of my child in a brace with a sprained foot and didn't call to tell her first.  That was the terrible thing that I did that led to the silent treatment.  For weeks after she insulted me for anything and everything she could think of and I finally stood up for myself and said that I didn't like it.  Silent treatment ever since. 

[illogical]

It sounds to me like the FMs were sent by your mother on a fishing expedition.  She may have told them something like "Sidney 37 doesn't call anymore.  I have no idea why.  She doesn't seem to want to talk to either one of us.  Could you call her and see what you can find out?  I'm so worried about her, but I don't dare call her as she made it clear last time she didn't want to talk to me."  Or some other lie, some waify "poor pitiful me, I'm such a good mother with such an ingrate for a daughter" type of bullsh*t.

My feelings are that if your father takes a turn for the worse, those FMs will say something to you.  I would hold firm in my resolve not to give them any information, as it will go straight back to your mother.

With your DH still following them on FB, you still have a connection to them, so it's just a matter of time before information leaks out about what is really going on.  Of course I don't have a crystal ball here and I'm not psychic, but it could be nothing of importance.  PDs LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to chaos manufacture and take even an insignificant situation and make it out to be totally a monumental affair.  After a few cries of "Wolf!" one can become impervious to their drama.  I am reminded of WI's situation with her mother crying "I've got cancer!" over and over when it wasn't true, then finally it was true.  I can totally relate to that story as my mother faked a terminal illness when my dad got Alzheimer's.  She was determined not to be upstaged!

I wouldn't anticipate the worst here.  There's just as great a probability that it's not.  And even if it is, if your dad wants to call you or contact you, he will find a way, despite the fact your mother has a hold over him.  Take care!

[WomanInterrupted]

I agree with Illogical - you've still got a way through DH, to find out info - but don't actively go seeking it, and if anybody calls you (FMM-wise), stick to *strict* Medium Chill and starve them out.   

It can't be overstated how much PDs *love* to manufacture mountains out of molehills, chaos and drama - and watch others spin out around them, freaking out at the sudden *dearth* of information, and wonder WTF is going on.   

Didi was no different, in that regard - and Illogical wasn't kidding about all her fake "caaaaaaancer!" bleats!   

I get a call - they're doing a test because they think it's caaaaaaaancer - and she could be a goner!   

I'd play it cool (Medium Chill) and tell her I hoped the test went well - but that was it.   

As a *punishment* I wouldn't hear anything, and I knew that meant the test came back negative - again - and I wasn't being told because *I couldn't be arsed to show up at the hospital to participate in Didi's dog and pony show of MOTY, with a Doting, Dutiful, Doormat Daughter.*   

I mean, how bad is this:  I'd look at my DH with an aw-shucks grin, snap my fingers, and say a perky, "Still not cancer!" - and then the two of us would practice rolling our eyes all the way up to Alaska.   

By the time they *did* actually diagnose her with terminal, large cell lung cancer, I actually didn't believe it, and thought, "Right - pull the other one.  I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night!"   

And *why* was she having all those caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaancer scares?

They were a direct response to my *boundaries* - Medium Chill (no info), telling her twice that something was unacceptable and to NOT do it again, refusing to jump  when she or Ray needed to go to the ER, and telling them to call an *ambulance* instead, and refusing to stop at the drug store on the way home from the chiropractor, because *she didn't run it by me ahead of time,* so I could make some adjustments to my schedule, for what I'd knew would be  at least 4 mind-numbing hours of looking at all the same stuff, multiple times, as a way to *punish* me.   

No matter how many times she cried, "Caaaaaancer!" - I never came, rarely called, and never visited the hospital, so that resulted in *more of the same* - to which I had the exact same response.   

It really was like she couldn't figure out she'd kicked the washing machine so many times that it was  truly broken and no amount of kicking was going to make it work again.   

Her reaction to my boundaries was an OVERreaction - just like your mom is having when it comes to *your* boundaries - not telling somebody about a death, or a possible illness in your dad  seems pretty damned COLD and hard-core - and to me, ultimately, *unforgivable.*   

WHICH is the worse transgression - not calling at  the time she  wants, because she DEMANDS it, and posting a picture of your DD with an arm brace, or *withholding information* and intentionally stirring the pot in an attempt to HURT you? 

Your mom wins that contest, hands down - but that's how *draconian* they are about control.   They MUST have it at all times and MUST be obeyed, or all hell breaks loose. 

And it also proves how *short-sighted* they really are:  for the sake of argument, we'll say your dad's health issue is a minor one, but you don't hear *anything* about it, and down the road a piece, something serious crops up, he passes away, and you still don't hear anything *from her* - but *through* her minions, after it's too late.  (Meaning, you didn't get to say goodbye, and missed the wake and funeral, too.)   

Does she think this will *endear* her to you and make you *want* to help her, now that she's on her own?   

Hell no!  If you haven't by that time, you'll probably block her on number on the spot, and the numbers of all her FMM's before telling them all to go to hell!   

She'll cut her nose off to spite her face, and be left with *nobody* - because she'll have burned her last bridge with you. 

She'll rage and fume and scream and use any and all means to try to get you to DO YOUR JOB now that your father is gone, and you'll be so volcanically angry, you can barely see straight as you block every single attempt, plug every leak, and REFUSE.  NO.  What she did, can't be undone and you will NEVER be at her beck and call again.   

For some reason, they just don't GET that!  They don't understand cause and effect - only what they WANT, when they want it, and absolute control over *everything and everyone* - including you.

But by that time, you'll be SO over her, that she will have lost you forever - just like Didi lost me, when she suddenly decided she HAD to live here, in a hospital bed in our living room.   

That was the *final* punishment - and she thought she'd really get her way.  DH and I had already had that conversation over 15 years ago, and we BOTH promised that NO parent of ours would EVER live with us.   

I'm a tough little hen, on my own, but when DH and I are a United Front, we're the Immovable Object.     

The tribe had spoken.   

By the time anything serious with your dad happens (I hope that's a LONG way away!    ), you and your DH will probably be the same way - on the same page, shaking your heads, and REFUSING to do a thing for your mom, because that's what she's built for herself, and now she can reap the consequences of her actions.   

This is a *benefit* of our anger:   it makes it a hell of a lot easier to put up healthy boundaries and protect ourselves, especially when we know somebody is out to harm, damage, hurt, or emotionally, physically or financially abuse us.   We say, "NO" with more ease - and know we did the right thing.