My 1st intro post

[Amna]

Hello,

I heard about this forum recently and hope to get some help and perhaps offer help to others too. I am the 'scapegoat' child of a dysfunctional family. I spent half my life without knowing what was happening to me and with me. I managed to have a few well-wishers over the years, but for the most part, I am exploited and mentally abused (bullied) by my employers, coworkers, my parents, siblings, relatives, and my in-laws. Having not experienced genuine love and support right from childhood, perhaps this is because I never developed the survival skills needed in life such as esteem, confidence, self-preservation, etc. Running around in a dark maze all my life and fighting all that was thrown at me to hurt me, I have burnt myself out completely. Today, I am lost, tired, stressed, depressed, anxious, hopeless....

My first question to this forum is: "What would happen if I COMPLETELY and TOTALLY just IGNORED all the negative bullying people and went about my life, day by day, as if they were not even there"? Effective immediately?

Thank you
Amna

[sarandro]

Anna...you would be happy

Maybe not straightaway, but if you are kind to yourself and remain strong, eventually you will find that you are free of those people forever.
Once you decide that whatever they do or say...it will not affect you, you can move on and live the life you deserve.

Like you I was the SG and although I have only been No Contact with them all  for 3 months, I am feeling better about myself.
Understanding about the effects of being In the Fog...even the very existence of the FOG has opened my eyes to the possibilities of a better future for me my husband and  sons

It's hard to practice self love when you have been told all your life that you were not worth loving and it's not selfish to put yourself first.
Glad you found this forum...the folk here have helped me so much...I'm sure you will find compassion here.
Sending you a virtual hugXX

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. It sounds like it has been seriously hard for a very long time. It is understandable that you would want to just ignore negative and bullying people.

Having come from a disordered family system myself, I had to start with most basic skills and the most important skill I never learned until I began to recover from the abuse was boundary setting.

Even now, years into recovery work I often have to go right back to that most basic of skills to handle the difficult and often unacceptable behaviors of others.

So, to get you started here are a couple of great resources around boundary work:

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/boundaries

a great thread:

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

and a great book to get help you:

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

Take a your time reading through the resources at the tabs above and begin developing healthy, empowered strategies for handling unwanted behaviors toward you - one of which may be ignoring the behavior when appropriate.

Keep coming back and sharing! I look forward to supporting you on your healing journey.

[Amna]

Thank you.

[Penny Lane]

Hi Amna,
Adding my welcome. I'm glad you found us and I think you pose an excellent question.

I would ask, what do YOU think will happen?

What I think would happen in the short term is that they would ramp up their bullying behaviors. You would be tempted to stop ignoring it - but, hopefully, you could power through.

And then, like sarandro says, I think you would be happy, or have a chance at much greater happiness. You would be amazed at how much energy you have when you're not spending it all on counteracting their negativity. You might be able to use that energy on yourself instead, both on unlearning unhealthy patterns you picked up from these bullies AND finding ways to make your life better that are unrelated to them.

Eventually you might find you need ways to deal with bullies, in general, other than ignoring them. But you have to take things one step at a time and I think that is such an excellent place to start and a really powerful goal that would make a huge difference in your life.



I hope you'll come back and let us know how it goes.

[Summer Sun]

Welcome Amna!  I could so relate to your post and where you are in your journey Out of the FOG.

After I had my "last straw" situation with FOO, I asked myself the same question.  And then mentally, over time, I processed what I intuitively knew would be the ramifications of dropping the rope, stepping back, stepping out.  Because when one is the SG, it means that someone else in the FOO is the PD in charge, who orchestrates,  smears, puppet masters, whatever labels fit.  And there was, in my case, the FOO history of abuse cycles, the push-pull patterns, the using, devaluing etc which I could assume would continue as past behaviours and patterns are indicative or future behaviors etc (unless there is an  PD awakening). 

Part of my mental processing was anticipating the outcome.  And it was fearful for me.  After a lifetime and gut full of trauma and loss, it would mean more loss.  Siblings.  Nephews.  Nieces. Uncles and Aunts.  Cousins.  A jagged pill to swallow.  Depression set in as I weighed the pros and cons.

And then a new question arose within.  If I lost all these people from my life, what exactly would I be losing?  I was the one usually initiating contact, there really wasn't any reciprocity, especially anything meaningful.  If others initiated contact it was because I could be useful, or more directly, used.  Loss of contact would mean not having to engage in contact that always ended up with me feeling demeaned, diminished, invalidated, devastated.  I could sign up for more, or, I could drop the rope and reap my own consequences for doing so.

After I dropped the rope, everything I anticipated would happen, happened.  Typical Dysfunctional responses and routine Patterns.   I went through a grieving process.  This had a life of its own - the typical stages of grief.  Loss of FOO is huge. 

But what I did do also, was accept responsibility for my own joy, health, healing.  I surrounded myself with a few supportive people, FOC, Therapist, spiritual advisor, healthy, engaging environments, groups, situations aligned with my own interests, passions, needs.  I nurtured myself in ways that were meaningful to me.  I also read, read, read.  Informed myself, armed myself, 

Am I happier? Absolutely!  Now.  It is not immediate.  It is a journey.  I am free of drama, trauma, re-wounding, and being used and abused.  Do I wish things could be different?  As in having healthy, loving, reciprocal FOO relationships?  Absolutely.  But acceptance is the final stage of grief.  Truth settles.  And the truth, they say, will always set us free. 

Arm yourself with knowledge of the PD traits, behaviours, while in conjunction access the toolbox and utilize boundary knowledge; weave it all with the experiences of so many lovely people here ready to support you on your individual journey, wherever it leads you.  We are each individual in our approach, choices, resolution, healing and processes.

Wishing you strength, courage, support, wisdom and most of all kindness and self care for the journey!



Summer Sun

[Amna]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my intro post.

[GentleSoul]

Welcome Amna, I have found that completely ignoring all nastiness and baiting has improved my life enormously. 

I use the Medium Chill technique explained in the Toolbox on here. 

It really has been a life changer for me.  It took me a while to master it but now I do it automatically. 

[Amna]

Thanks. Exactly what I have been thinking - to just ignore. Thanks for the info - will check out the toolbox you mentioned.

[Brooke]

Welcome to the site! I've already found tons of helpful support and advice here!