This definitely resonates with me. Everything was about unBPDm. She was the one who expressed anger, laughter and feelings without any limitation. Woe betide little daughter feeling sad, let down, upset or disappointed. She always advised me to "turn the other cheek", "be the better person" etc to remain submissive and to never learn how to stand up for myself. I was told there was something wrong with me and that I was selfish and unlikeable.
Being told this many times a day made it stick and I've been a people-pleaser ever since. Now trying hard to stop this. So, thinking I was a nasty person who everyone who dislike if I was myself, I attempted to fit in with others and remain sunny whatever. It has done me irreparable damage and stunted me badly.
I have become a magnet for bullies and other narcs. I tried to avoid this and ended up with the covert ones, who are more subtle. Now I am extremely wary of others. I have fairly superficial relationships with many people, but even with closer friends, I keep my cards to my chest and rarely let my guard down. I find it hard to express feelings or give authentic opinions unless they are what is expected. Turning people down, even disliking certain people or sticking up for myself is still very difficult - I always wonder if I'm wrong. After long stints in people's company I always wear myself out analysing what I've said and whether I've offended anyone. This makes social life exhausting.
I've never been allowed to be angry and have a shout so when I finally lose my temper, which I've only ever done about four times in my life, it is completely over the top and ridiculous. I usually end up in tears and apologising profusely and making a huge fool of myself. I now don't allow it at all, and instead, write things down.
Do other people have this too? These parents have done so much damage and they don't know or care at all. I have now been no contact with my unBPDm for over a year, and it feels very good. I'm making small steps to be more authentic and care less about what people think.