Lack of empathy when we're ill or hurt

[11JB68]

Figured I'd start a new post on this, since bohemian butterfly's post lead to this subject...
About 14 years ago I had a sports injury...needed surgery, crutches, boot, cane, no driving etc all summer. UOCPDH was so mad at me for getting injured. And so annoyed the entire time, that he had to do all of the stuff that I normally do for our family/household. He did take care of me to the point that was necessary...but was also quite mean to me on many occasions.
Alsothere were some basic things that he just never did, because he was so overwhelmed... Mind you, it was summer, so he didn't have to get ds to school, activities, deal with homework etc.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex-husband either doesn't feel much empathy for people that he personally knows or he is afraid of expressing empathy.  He cries during sad movies but shows a lot less emotion when bad things befall members of his family.

[countrygirl]

My ex-friend, the worst PD friend of my life, lacked empathy for my physical condition.  Among many downsides to this condition is that I can no longer practice the sport which had been a major part of my life.  She had absolutely no empathy for this.  When I would tell her how sad it made me feel--something which she would have known anyway--I got little to no response.  (Here I have to say that she had always been envious of what ability and knowledge I had of this sport, so she may well have been glad that I could no longer practice it...)  Yet when she had a minor sports injury and couldn't practice her sport for a few weeks, she was devastated.  But, hey, that was HER.

[2_exhausted]

100% agree!

I required an operation, this was over 25 years ago. I did not tell PD mom that I scheduled it. I knew she would ruin Christmas. So for some unknown reason I told her I scheduled it January "6"...huge mistake. She lost it, giant rage, refused to open gifts, silent treatment when not raging. I was in nursing school. It was over 25 years ago.  I asked her what was her issue...she informed me it was more painful for her than me. I must have been learning about pain receptors because I remember screaming something to tithe effect "yeah, you receive the pain impulses I feel, right?". she actually said yes...so I lost it and indicated that was scientifically impossible. I showed her my text book and of course it caused a large rage session. She decided not to speak to me or my aunt, her sister, because someone had to go to the hospital with me, and my aunt agreed.

I also have a Neuro disorder and at one point I could not walk without fal. So I would crawl. Now if I saw my 30 year old daughter/son/anyone crawling through the house I would be concerned to say the least......not PD mom. Who knows why.

Also NPD bf HATES when I fall.....now I do not care for it because I have fractured my wrist a few times & my ribs. Who knows what his reasoning is....but it causes him to throw me out of his house :blush , rage, etc. However he wants sympathy from me on his hypertension & increased A1C.   He has to take medication..... ...well NPD bf, I have had to take meds to WALK for over 20 years, and will take them until I die. No sympathy from me.

[countrygirl]

Sometimes, 2_exhausted, I think NPDs in particular are at their worst when we have problems, because then they know some attention SHOULD be given to us and they resent being expected to give; AND they resent us because we are the center of attention, even if we are because we have to crawl rather than walk!   I find your mother and your boyfriend's treatment of you to be disgusting. 

Once, years ago, when I broke my leg, and made the mistake of telling my mother, she actually said, "Well!  Can't you heal yourself?!"  I hasten to say this wasn't because she had dementia; it was just a reflection of how little she wanted to even acknowledge that I had a problem. 

[Poison Ivy]

I agree with this especially, countrygirl:   "then they know some attention SHOULD be given to us and they resent being expected to give."

[2_exhausted]

Thanks Country Girl & Poison Ivy
"then they know some attention SHOULD be given to us and they resent being expected to give."

To be honest, I did not want attention, I just wanted to have no rage/crazy sessions prior to the procedure. But I guess in the PD's mind, any attention, even acknowledging someone HAD to go to the hospital with me, is TOO much...it is less for them.

As for NPD bf- his behavior is disgusting, and if I was able to reveal the real story of his past on here, ..... I just do not know how to write it without it being identifiable.

My entire family is a bunch of martyrs. They want to have the "worst", " rarest", etc. Unfortunately, as of today, I do. And I just try to live with it and not bring it up. They are disgusting as well.....and as I tell my aunt, "my disorder may be genetic...and when her grand daughter gets older, it COULD occur, you never know". " I was just as active as granddaughter, and it appeared one day.". They are so nasty.

[countrygirl]

HI,

I am so sorry that you have been treated so badly, especially when you are not in a good place physically.   

I have had to deal with the competition which I hadn't entered of who has the worst problem.  I say to people that it is not a competition!   Not that saying anything to PDs changes their behavior.  But I do think it's good to assert yourself, as you did with your aunt. 

I've found that when you're having a hard time the fact that you're dealing with PDs really stands out, unfortunately.

All the best to you.

[blunk]

Yes, this definitely seems to be true of PDs.

About 15 years ago I had surgery that required me to be on crutches for 6 weeks, and we lived on the 3rd floor of a 3 family home. My bpdxh helped me take one shower (let me hold his arm to keep my balance...I could have just as easily used the back of a chair) with a garbage bag taped around my cast. After that I was on my own. I was recently talking  about a bad reaction I had to the prescription painkiller that was given to me (so bad that I only ever took one of them). When it happened I had gone to the sink to get water and within a few minutes became nauseated from the medication. I kind of stopped, because it just clicked, this was the day I got out of the hospital and I was getting my own water. He seriously couldn't even do that for me. And since I was out of work during this time, he expected that I still do the grocery shopping. The shopping wan't so bad as I was able to scoot myself around on the carriage, but he was mad that I left the stuff in the car for him to bring in rather than make multiple trips on crutches up three flights of stairs.

The other time that sticks out in my mind was not an illness, but the funeral of my niece's daughter. She passed away suddenly around 1 month old. I remember sitting and listening to the service, and I started to look around the room. Of the 100+ people in the room, there was only 1 who was not even a little teary eyed...my x. It was bizarre and disturbing to me. Not that I expected him to be a sobbing mess, but he actually just looked bored. I just thought, how could anyone not feel sad at a baby's funeral? I didn't know what to make of it, it was before I knew about PDs and their lack of empathy.

[2_exhausted]

I am sorry blunk.

No, you should NOT be in the grocery store on the days after  you were discharged from the hospital. Especially since there was an able bodied PD available to do this. It boggles my mind...and then I have to stop myself and think "NOTHING they do should ever boggle your mind". Of course xPD wanted you to carry groceries from the car. .  Why should he do it? ( I am being sarcastic)... they all deserve an island dedicated to them....how interesting it would be to see them all interact with each other.

[countrygirl]

An island of PDs, interacting with only each other.  What an image!   Ha, ha!

[Poison Ivy]

I like to be left alone when I'm sick but I would appreciate having someone available to drive me to and from procedures and to do the heavy lifting (literally and figuratively).  My ex-husband did accompany to and from a hernia repair many years ago (good) but then didn't bat an eye or help me when I did laundry that evening; it needed to be done!

[Stillirise]

I don't want to give too many specific details, but I can say I wholeheartedly agree with the assessment that they don't like someone else needing attention!  I was once blamed for trying to sabotage uPDh's annual "man trip," by having a gall bladder attack the day he was leaving. Also, I had some potentially life threatening complications associated with pregnancy and childbirth.  He seemed most concerned about how he would raise the kids, if I actually died.  Sorry man, I lived to tell about it.   

[countrygirl]

I can so relate to these stories.  And the things people have said to me over the years in regard to my no longer being able-bodied.

Have recently been posting a lot about a difficult NPD friend, and just realized that this topic relates to her treatment of me.  She just went on a day trip to a town which she'd known nothing about until I took her there last year, but I was not invited on the trip.  Well, yesterday she described the trip to me, and noted that the house tour she took there required walking over a small bridge, and that the house itself had stone stairs.  In other words, not a trip for disabled me!  What gets me about this is that she is using my disability to justify her neglect of me!  That is really low!  She wouldn't have invited me if I were able-bodied, so it's creepy to use my handicap this way.  Not to mention that on a good day, I could well make it across a small bridge and up some stone stairs. 

[sevenyears]

11JB68 - this is a good thread since few PDs can empathize. In addition to the hospital visit for extreme morning sickness I wrote about in the other thread, I had appendicitis and had to go to the emergency room, again right before an overseas holiday trip to visit my relatives. I can't pinpoint it very well, but he was just annoyed with me.  Like it was my fault for needing an appendectomy.  This next one is gross: whenever my daughter was vomited as a toddler, he would start immediately cleaning as she was still in the act instead of bringing her a receptacle and comforting her.  I get it that he wants to get the mess out of the way as quickly as possible, but at the expense of ignoring her? uugghhh....

[SerenityCat]

I can also relate. My uNPD father was weird about his children's illnesses, he would frown and look disgusted as if illness was our fault.

An uNPD boyfriend was cranky and mean when I was home recovering from knee surgery. He could barely handle doing anything to help me out.

Fortunately I now have a wonderful partner who has empathy, compassion, and the desire to help out loved ones appropriately. I've helped him through the aftermath of surgery and he will do the same for me.

[logistics]

I can relate to all of these situations. Expecting me to just carry in. Pd once told me that people are out working in the fields the next day after childbirth.

[Andeza]

It's this sort of behavior that prompted me to share no details of my pregnancy with my uBPDM. I knew that she would take the issues that arose, redirect everything back onto her, and somehow make my discomfort/medical issues about her. Why? Because she's done it with pretty much everything else I've had since college. Can't so much as mention that I had a cold without hearing about, in minute detail, all her medical problems, all over again. Every time. As though I don't already know more about them than she does...

So when we talk, everything with me and my FOC is fine. Just fine. That is all.

[athene1399]

My uPD mom responds one of two ways: 1) she becomes smothering and treats me like I'm 5 or 2) she makes me feel like a hypochondriac and it's not as bad as I think and tells me I'm just being a baby. It's either too much or too little. Now that I'm an adult she does #1 but when I was a kid it was always #2. It's so strange. Maybe because I don't rely on her and don't see her a lot she tries to overcompensate by smothering me? Or feels guilty for how I was treated as a kid so now does the opposite when I'm injured/sick? I'm not sure what's going on. SO's BPDxw is the smothering one with their daughter(18) and it seems to get worse the older SD gets. Does anyone else have the "smothering" type when you're ill/injured?

[Hopelessly stuck]

Starting July I got a bad sinus infection. I was so sick, I laid in bed for about 2 weeks. I mostly drank canned soda and water. I lost 10 lbs. Later I was thinking "Why didn't uNPD hubby offer me mild foods I could eat? 

I fell through the floor in a mobile home and cracked My thigh bone a few years back. The Dr. said I couldn't walk on it for 7-10 days, so I was bed ridden during that time.. I lived on Soda then too! Many times I didn't get food. He wouldn't help me go to the bathroom either. I used a garbage can. Then he complained about the smell. I said Well what do you expect? I am using the garbage can for a toilet. He slammed the door on me.

Later a friend of his asked why he wasn't feeding me. He said that I was faking it and I would get up and get something to eat when I got hungry enough!   

I Am slowly working my way out of the house. I am over 65 and this has been an eye opener. realized that at my age getting sick could put me in a nursing home or worse!