To answer your first question, I think you have to let your husband come out at his own pace and in his own way. I see you addressed this above in terms of your MIL, but if your husband also rankles at the term "emotional abuse," then I would stop using it about him or to him, in regards to his FOO. (I'm guessing it makes him a little defensive. I can understand this to some degree. It took me a long time to come to terms with the behavior of my own parents as "abuse" since it wasn't physical. I also wanted to cling to that whole idea that "they really do love me, though.")
Encourage him to talk about specific incidents. Example: My PD MIL is obsessed with the state of our lawn and never misses an opportunity to comment on the grass needing to be mowed. It is often the first thing out of her mouth when she comes to visit, always with a snide, judgmental tone. I know this bothers my husband, so afterward, I might ask, "Did it bother you when she commented on the lawn like that?"
If he's upset about it, he'll probably be relieved to be able to vent a little. Keep the focus on letting him talk about his feelings, if and when he wants to.
My answer to your second question - how to confront her without being harsh or attacking - is to ask if
you felt you were harsh or attacking? My guess is no, since you said you were calm and direct.
I think a rephrased version of your question might be: How do I confront her without
her thinking I am being harsh or attacking her?
The answer is, you can't. You can only control your behavior. You can't control her behavior or her reaction.
Given the way you described her reaction in your other thread, I would be surprised if she were able to handle any sort of confrontation or boundary-setting like a rational adult:
Her response was to become extremely angry even though we spoke calmly and firmly to her. She said she would do and say whatever she wanted in her house and with her family. She them attacked my character and told me that she was ending her relationship with me. She then left the room in a huff not hearing a thing we said.
"You can't make me!" "I can do what I want!" These are the words of someone with the maturity of a 7-year-old. No magic concoction of calm, direct words are going to transform her into a mature adult. She is who she is.
And she is telling you that she will never respect ANY OF YOUR BOUNDARIES in her own home. (And honestly, probably out of her home, as well.) And she's right. You can't force her to do anything. But you can change your behavior to better protect yourself and your family. In most cases this will probably mean restricting her access to you (so she can't continue to abuse you).
If this were me, the confrontation you already had would lead me to setting up a whole slew of shiny new boundaries:
Boundary #1: I will leave the room if someone can't speak calmly to me. If I'm trying to have a calm discussion with her, and she reacts by being "extremely angry," I will calmly state the boundary and the consequence. If she continues, I enact the consequence.
Example:
ME: I will not discuss this with you unless you can speak calmly to me.
HER: HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
ME: *leaves the room* or *hangs up the phone* or *some other action that clearly shows the consequence in action*
Boundary #2: If she is prepared to "say and do whatever she wants in her house" with no regard for my boundaries, then I will not stay at her house. From now on, we will stay in a hotel when we visit.***
In this case, this is sort of a boundary and consequence rolled into one. You already stated a boundary, and she told you flat out that she will not respect it. The consequence is that you will not stay in her home if that is her attitude.
You can, of course, explain the consequence, if you so choose. I don't feel a need to explain my boundaries over and over again to repeat offenders. So I'd personally go with something like this:
ME: I just wanted to let you know that we'll be staying at the Holiday Inn when we come to visit.
HER: Don't be silly! Of course you'll stay with us.
ME: No, we've already made the reservation, but thank you. So how about this weather? Have you been getting all of this non-stop rain?
But if you wanted to be crystal clear...
ME: I just wanted to let you know that we'll be staying at the Holiday Inn when we come to visit.
HER: Don't be silly! Of course you'll stay with us.
ME: No, we won't. I asked you last time not to do XYZ, and you told me you would do whatever you wanted in your own home. Therefore, if you won't respect my boundaries in your home, I won't stay there.
HER: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!
(And now we go right into the Boundary #1 example, right?)
ME: I will not continue this discussion unless you can speak calmly to me.
HER: YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET IT. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY HOME, OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER.
ME: *hangs up the phone and cancels hotel reservations, because
I refuse to allow someone to treat me this way over and over and over again, despite clearly-stated boundaries and consequences*
Personally, I would consider not even going to her home at all, given her attitude above. You can conduct your visits at the park, zoo, restaurants, etc., but if she's going to use her home as an excuse to treat you like crap, then DON'T GO THERE.
On the other hand, you might use the hotel as a trial run. Can she behave now that you've set a boundary and given a consequence? If not, then like I said, I'd consider only interacting with her outside of her home. If she can't behave in public, I'd stop visiting altogether.
***I wanted to point out here that you can make boundaries for you and your children, but not necessarily for your husband. (He has to make his own.) If my husband didn't like the idea of not staying at his parents' house during a visit, I would tell him, "That's fine. You are welcome to stay there, but me and the kids will be staying at the hotel."