NMIL sends another letter

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Spirit in the sky

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NMIL sends another letter
« on: July 08, 2019, 01:27:56 PM »
Itís been a few weeks since NMIL showed up yelling at my house and thankfully she hasnít contacted me since I texted her saying Iím done. Itís my birthday on Thursday and Iím wondering if sheíll use that as a way in.

Unsurprisingly she sent my hubby another letter, the usual she doesnít know what sheís done wrong, sheís had so many upsets this year and she just wants him to phone her. He didnít seem to bothered by it, and said heís ignoring it. Iím always very careful not to influence his decision on whether he resumes contact or not. He knows if he does he doing it alone, Iím not getting sucked back in.

As much as I totally dislike the woman and have no regrets about not speaking to her, I do still feel some sympathy. I donít know if she is genuinely upset or just trying to worm her way back in. I heard from a mutual friend she has already fallen out with her new neighbour and started a dispute with someone over a dog. She has no friends and other members of the family keep their distance.

I suspect she would initially curb her behaviour if my hubby was to make contact but from experience it wouldnít last and if he steps out of turn again sheíll start the abuse again.

She knows heís well and happy and getting on with his life, why canít she just accept it and get on with hers.
We have nothing to gain from resuming contact, I only waver slightly because she keeps on and on.

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all4peace

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2019, 12:11:56 AM »
spirit, this type of situation is so hard to deal with. Our heart wants to believe and trust another, or at least to not hurt them, and yet we've already experienced so much hurt in these relationships.

In the beginning, it helped me to remind myself over and over and over of why the need for boundaries and eventually VLC became necessary in the first place. There had already been so many opportunities given to my ILs, so many chances, so much explanation. I had to harden my heart and remind myself that the time for turning back was over, and now was the time to calmly, kindly (it was my goal, rarely achieved) hold the boundaries.

It also became helpful for me to realize that staying steady and consistent was a genuine gift to someone who has a chaotic inner and outer world. Like with small children, I came to believe it was genuinely kinder to become very consistent and predictable rather than changing my mind and behavior when the hoovering would begin.

It's hard, and we all have our own stories and circumstances, but know that you are heard here and not alone.

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Bloomie

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2019, 12:58:25 PM »
Spirit in the sky - I am so thankful you shared and can't help but think, as I read your post, how sad that your mil cannot connect the dots from her choices and her current lonely life and resolve to manage herself differently in order to be able to enjoy healthy and loving relationships with your family and other family members. Your compassion is understandable as it is a very sad scenario to see play out in her life.

Quote from: all4peace
It also became helpful for me to realize that staying steady and consistent was a genuine gift to someone who has a chaotic inner and outer world. Like with small children, I came to believe it was genuinely kinder to become very consistent and predictable rather than changing my mind and behavior when the hoovering would begin.

This is just so true and very wise all4peace. Something I have learned to stand on as well, but could not have articulated it so well. Consistent messages and a consistent stance in the relationship with my own mil is the kindest and most authentic thing I can offer and requires I stay steady when the manipulations, guilting, and yes, compassion for the loss my mil has experienced by her own choices, comes. 
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Spirit in the sky

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2019, 03:29:16 PM »
spirit, this type of situation is so hard to deal with. Our heart wants to believe and trust another, or at least to not hurt them, and yet we've already experienced so much hurt in these relationships.

In the beginning, it helped me to remind myself over and over and over of why the need for boundaries and eventually VLC became necessary in the first place. There had already been so many opportunities given to my ILs, so many chances, so much explanation. I had to harden my heart and remind myself that the time for turning back was over, and now was the time to calmly, kindly (it was my goal, rarely achieved) hold the boundaries.

It also became helpful for me to realize that staying steady and consistent was a genuine gift to someone who has a chaotic inner and outer world. Like with small children, I came to believe it was genuinely kinder to become very consistent and predictable rather than changing my mind and behavior when the hoovering would begin.

It's hard, and we all have our own stories and circumstances, but know that you are heard here and not alone.

Thanks all4peace, the problem with my NMIL is if we were to resume contact she would act like nothing happening. She has a very selective memory when it comes things she has said and done but likes to cast up other peopleís past mistakes.

Although at the moment nc feels right, I do think itís not sustainable long term. My hubby seems happy for it to continue, he feels if he gives in this time sheíll assume heíll keep giving in to her demands. Because she doesnít see any problem with her behaviour she doesnít think thereís any reason to change. No matter what anyone tells her itís like there is a mental block and she twists it into someone elseís fault.

Itís like there is no reasoning with crazy. I just keep going over and over things trying to find a solution. Iím making zero progress.

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Spirit in the sky

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2019, 03:37:48 PM »
Spirit in the sky - I am so thankful you shared and can't help but think, as I read your post, how sad that your mil cannot connect the dots from her choices and her current lonely life and resolve to manage herself differently in order to be able to enjoy healthy and loving relationships with your family and other family members. Your compassion is understandable as it is a very sad scenario to see play out in her life.

Quote from: all4peace
It also became helpful for me to realize that staying steady and consistent was a genuine gift to someone who has a chaotic inner and outer world. Like with small children, I came to believe it was genuinely kinder to become very consistent and predictable rather than changing my mind and behavior when the hoovering would begin.

This is just so true and very wise all4peace. Something I have learned to stand on as well, but could not have articulated it so well. Consistent messages and a consistent stance in the relationship with my own mil is the kindest and most authentic thing I can offer and requires I stay steady when the manipulations, guilting, and yes, compassion for the loss my mil has experienced by her own choices, comes.

Yes it is sad Bloomie and I think thatís why I canít just forget about it. But I know there is nothing I can do, the last time we went nc I persuaded my hubby to try again. He tried to explain why he felt the way he did, but his mother kept twisting everything he said to make herself the victim. Even when I repeatedly told her the problem was between her and him,  she kept insisting it was my responsibility to make him see sense.

She seems to think that by constantly repeating Ďheís my soní it excuses her behaviour. She really doesnít like the fact he is happy and getting on with his life, without her. I feels like by sending these letters she wants to keep reminding him she wonít go away.

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Spirit in the sky

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2019, 04:47:33 PM »
I just need to get my thoughts out today. I know Iím over thinking but tomorrow is my birthday and Iím wondering if NMIL with acknowledge it or ignore me. As much as I love nc I still find it incredibly difficult because we both live in a small town. I find myself avoiding certain shops and Iím constantly scanning for her presence when Iím walking to work.

I know my hubby had just emotionally switches off and he acts like she doesnít exist. I canít seem to do that, in an ideal world I would like vvvvvvvvlc so if I do see her in the street I donít feel anxious all the time trying to avoid her.

I also realise that once we let her back in, sheíll start her nonsense again and the phone calls will start and the demands. I think I want to believe my hubby would see through all that now and have the courage to just stand up to her. But I know she is so intimidating that he finds confronting her too uncomfortable and he crumbles. Too be honest I would probably be the same, although I want to be believe I have gained some courage.

The ironic thing is this happened with my previous mil. My ex hubby and I stopped speaking to her for a year because she too was demanding and controlling, nowhere near the level of this current one though. After a few months she accepted our decision and after a year we decided to resume contact but she didnít harass us in the way NMIL does. After that we had a reasonably normal relationship until my ex hubby and I split. Of course she hated me again after that.

I think the problem is there is no reasoning with NMIL, I have seen how she has treated other members of the family and friends and she never sees that she is the one responsible for all the bad feeling. My hubby has been the scapegoat all his life and I canít see her allowing him to be anything else.

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Cat of the Canals

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2019, 08:22:21 PM »
Happy early birthday! I'm sorry your MIL is causing so much distress on what should be a nice day for you. I know the feeling well. My uPD MIL often uses birthdays as a means to manipulate and control, too.

In your original post, you said, "I donít know if she is genuinely upset or just trying to worm her way back in." I think it's probably both. She is genuinely upset at being cut off from supply. And she's trying to worm her way back in to get the supply back.

Quote
I have seen how she has treated other members of the family and friends and she never sees that she is the one responsible for all the bad feeling.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the norm with PDs. As a non in this scenario, I would think, "I obviously greatly upset this person or crossed a boundary. This relationship is important to me, so I need to figure out where I went wrong and how to change my behavior." I imagine a PD must be thinking more along the lines of, "How dare this person stop speaking to me! Who do they think they are? So what if I did XYZ after they explicitly asked me not to? They need to get over it!"

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Spirit in the sky

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2019, 09:00:53 PM »
Happy early birthday! I'm sorry your MIL is causing so much distress on what should be a nice day for you. I know the feeling well. My uPD MIL often uses birthdays as a means to manipulate and control, too.

In your original post, you said, "I donít know if she is genuinely upset or just trying to worm her way back in." I think it's probably both. She is genuinely upset at being cut off from supply. And she's trying to worm her way back in to get the supply back.

Quote
I have seen how she has treated other members of the family and friends and she never sees that she is the one responsible for all the bad feeling.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the norm with PDs. As a non in this scenario, I would think, "I obviously greatly upset this person or crossed a boundary. This relationship is important to me, so I need to figure out where I went wrong and how to change my behavior." I imagine a PD must be thinking more along the lines of, "How dare this person stop speaking to me! Who do they think they are? So what if I did XYZ after they explicitly asked me not to? They need to get over it!"

Thanks cat of the canals,

I hadnít thought that it could be both, Iím still in very black and white thinking, good versus bad. Which made me realise I am still healing from the years of abuse, as is my hubby. I think we both need more time to full understand what has happened. My hubby is dealing with years of emotional abuse from his childhood which if he mentioned to his mother she would call him crazy. She still believes she was and is the perfect mother.

For me NMIL destroyed any self confidence I had over 18 years of criticism and manipulation, I even think I was a flying monkey without realising. When I think of the emotional abuse as I physical wound it hadnít fully healed. Going back now would be like picking the stitches out and letting infection back in. Itís a terrible thing to say but she really is like a horrible disease that gets under your skin.
And my immune system hadnít recovered enough to fight off another attack.

Although Iím uncomfortable with the situation, I can learn to live with until I feel the time is right. To be honest NMIL is always unhappy so our nc isnít the only cause, sheís just a unhappy person who looks for other people to blame for her misery.

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Spirit in the sky

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #8 on: July 11, 2019, 05:07:43 PM »
Yay my birthday passed over peacefully no card or texts from NMIL !

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Bloomie

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #9 on: July 11, 2019, 06:26:00 PM »
Yay my birthday passed over peacefully no card or texts from NMIL !
:chickendance: Woo Hoo! Happy belated birthday Spirit!!!
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Spirit in the sky

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #10 on: July 11, 2019, 06:29:42 PM »
Yay my birthday passed over peacefully no card or texts from NMIL !
:chickendance: Woo Hoo! Happy belated birthday Spirit!!!

Thanks Bloomie  :)

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all4peace

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Re: NMIL sends another letter
« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2019, 09:09:53 PM »
Good news and Happy Birthday!