Handling flying monkeys asking if you are ok

[me01t]

I wondered if someone could give me some advice, I had to leave the place i loved after months of emotional abuse by a community. I am fairly sure it is down to one or two people leading it. However, my plan is sometime to return. How do you handle these people asking if you are ok now, Or if you feel better now? It its a nerve with me because i hear it as though it is implicative that I had the problem, Whilst I was totally emotionally worn down by what happened these are people who were calling me weird and crazy and gossiping/spreading rumours about me. I am trying to go very low/no contact but I would love some thoughts as to how one deals with this or whether I am overreacting in being affected by it?

[SerenityCat]

I don't think that you are overreacting at all.

You could prepare some responses, like "I'm good, how are you doing?". You can divert the conversation to things like the weather, landscape, time of year etc.

If they persist you can "remember" that you have an appointment, that you have something else to do.

Medium Chill keeps things light, fluffy, airy and breezy.  There's no real substance to the conversation.  You wind up doing a lot of listening and giving very uninteresting and inconsequential answers. You don't feed the supply, so you'll find conversations are shorter and not as frequent - because you're not giving the other person anything they can use. You are of no use to them and also quite boring and uninteresting.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

Congrats on getting free of emotional abuse. You deserve to be treated well.

[Hazy111]

The above advice  is all good.

But i wouldnt ask "How are you doing?" As you are reopening lines of communication. These people dont have your best interests at heart so dont bother with them.

You cant stop what theyre doing behind youre back, so theres no point trying to counter it.

Ive just totally blanked mine. All attempts at interaction like texts and phonecalls i refuse to answer. Ringing the door bell, not answered.  Theyve grown tired and given up. I know though that if i reactivate it will start all over again.

[SerenityCat]

I agree with Hazy111 here. Blanking is a good idea. Once people have shown that they are toxic, we can protect ourselves and stay clear. They don't deserve access to us. And there is nothing really to discuss with them.

In a situation like this, I've had to deal with my own sense of withdrawal. I felt compelled for awhile to re-engage. Coming Out of the FOG even felt like withdrawing from a drug. So I had to stop my ruminating and focus on other things in my life. Eventually I no longer felt a compulsion to re-engage.

[bloomie]

How do you handle these people asking if you are ok now, Or if you feel better now?

I think what is triggering for you is the implication in the question that you were not okay previously and that their question may be a result of another in the community smearing you or speaking falsely of you?

would something like...

"Why would you ask that?"

Or with a bit of humor... "I'm doing fine... unless you know something about me I don't know?" and then redirect the conversation in a kindly way to neutral, surface topics and move away like a polished social professional.

[me01t]

Thanks, Yeah the triggering aspect is spot on-I also find it really strange that people who have been telling you that you are crazy and massively exacerbating a situation are then asking you if you are ok as though you are the one with the problem.

[treesgrowslowly]

Been there too.

If you go back into a group or community where you experienced emotional abuse, then I would argue that most people in that group did not have the skill or interest in making that group safer. One or two gossips can be very destructive and all they need is fuel and an audience of bystanders. The bystanders who did nothing are part of the problem because they dont realize they are used by the abusers. Doing nothing to address emotional abuse in their group, probably because they dont want to be the next target.
These are the ones who ask us the questions but don't notice or care that the main gossip or abuser uses that information against us later.

After being in a group like this, I got asked "How are you?" I didn't say anything I wouldn't want published in the local newspaper. The power dynamics in a group like this are not in your favour so you have to give as little personal information as possible. There is a long line of people who will  deny there is a problem, other than that the sensitive person is too sensitive.
Their denial that you were targeted for emotional abuse is something you don't need to ever argue with them. From what you shared here, you know you endured emotional abuse and you saw it and got away from it. Good for you.

The principle of not JADEing helped me a lot during such times.