Gettingstronger is right - often, we've been made to feel guilty, bad or wrong for setting boundaries, but they're normal and necessary for everyday living.
Say you have to cancel an appointment for next week: do you call and say, "I need to postpone an appointment and reschedule it for X day" - or do you give the whole story on WHY you need to cancel, to total strangers?
If you give the whole spiel to strangers on why - you need a LOT more work on boundaries. Next time, try *not* doing it and just saying you need to postpone until X.
The sky won't fall. I promise!
The only time I give explanations is for short-notice cancellations - dead battery, flat tire, a sudden veterinary problem came up and the vet is the priority. (Usually, that's so I don't get fined - but I try to never cancel on short notice unless it really IS a sudden problem.)
Your sister is not *owed* any explanations. She may think she's entitled to them and have you trained to provide them (if she's anything like UnBPD Didi (my alleged "mother"), she won't believe a thing you're saying because she's projecting HER status as a liar onto you!
) - and ignore what you're saying, or saying, "Oh, you can do that later when you're done with what I want."
It doesn't work like that. When another adult tells us NO, they are NOT to be argued with, badgered, goaded to anger, bullied, cajoled, hectored, prompted, or be otherwise poorly treated for setting a *boundary.*
A polite, "May I ask why?" *is* tolerable, as long as the person is okay with getting, "I don't want to discuss it..." as an answer.
But the PDs in our lives aren't polite. They demand, "WHY!?!?!?" - and that is NOT how you talk to another adult, hence the broken record treatment of, "I just told you why. It doesn't work for me."
As Gettingstronger also said, you are NOT responsible if your sister is hurt, angry, gets her nose out of joint, feels snubbed or rebuffed, or any other thing she might feel. Those are HER emotions to deal with. You are NOT responsible for them.
UnBPD Didi would sometimes try to get me to take her to the local casino by lying and saying her doctor ordered it as relaxation therapy.
Yeah - pull the other one.
I have nothing against gambling - I just think it's a waste, and I may as well flush those quarters down the toilet, one at a time.
Me: "I can't do that."
Didi (huffily) "Why NOT!?"
Me: "I just told you - I can't do that."
Didi: (imperiously) "I am your MOTHER and I DEMAND to know WHY!!!!"
Me: "Third time - I can't do that and if you're going to continue to yell, I'm hanging up."
Didi: (now whimpering and mewling, switching tactics to sound sad and pathetic) "But I'm SO lonely and SO bored...and I have a prescription from my doctor that says you HAVE to take me to the casino..."
Me: (not buying it for a second) "An actual script with my name on it?"
Didi: "YES! I had to talk him out of writing "that lazy, layabout daughter of yours" and told him he was to NEVER speak about you like that!"
Note: did you see what she did there? She substituted HER words for the words of an *authority figure* - to lead me to believe it MUST be true and I'm a horrible person, and *she defended my honor.*
Rubbish. I promise that exchange never happened and there was no script. This whole exchange *never happened.*
Me: "Hm. Well, I don't know what to tell you other than to take the Senior Van or call a taxi, but I can't do it."
Didi: slams phone down in my ear, gives me Silent Treat for 2 weeks.
That's just a sample conversation! It went like that *any time* I said, "No" or put up a boundary, for any reason!
She was *exhausting* in trying to make *me* responsible for her feelings, emotional well being and later on, physical comfort (she wanted me to act as a caregiver when she didn't need one) - but I was effectively able to shut her down, every single time, by having boundaries made of titanium.
If you got angry reading any of exchange, you'd better believe I was, too - but didn't let it show in my *tone*. I kept it very neutral - always - like we were just chit-chatting about the weather.
Anger is one of those things we've been taught we can NEVER feel, but it's a *healthy* emotion when channeled in the right direction - like being angry enough to say, "NO" and not feel guilty, because there's no *reason* to feel guilty.
If your sister starts pushing or trying to trample your boundaries about not visiting, *please* harness the anger you feel and allow it to guide you to the very healthy boundary of, "I said no. This is no longer a discussion. Goodbye."
You'll be very glad you did!
