Have I lost Myself?

[melw82]

O know that I lost myself.  I Gave and gave until there was little left.  My own dreams were constantly derailed by pd fits, breakdowns, job changes and such.

Any real interest in something new was often met with neediness or chaos making. 

It took me along time to accept this as true, I had a hard time believing someone I loved would actively work against me.

Once I started out of fog, I had to reclaim my life a bit at a time.  I am not all there yet.

Oh my word - this is exactly my life experience of being with a UNP. I've lost so much of myself! I've worked so damn hard to rebuild it all. I'm overwhelmed sometimes by how many people are glad to see my face again. Do you find or feel like that?

[Fae Greenwood]

While I'm a new member here, I've realized that I've been using medium chill for some years and yes, it does feel like part of me is constantly kept locked down in a box. At first I was just relieved to not have a stupid argument about everything. When I am in this group, I know that you understand that everything means every single damn thing every single day, from why you bought yourself a different brand of toothpaste to how the sky isn't a perfect blue and why did you say it was when there clearly is a wisp of cloud. EVERYTHING EVERY DAY. And you are always wrong.
Yes, medium chill is a stopgap at best. I've developed other outlets. I've joined a few special interest clubs and often leave the house to walk local parks or visit the library. I've made a point of making friends that have no relationship to him. That has helped. I've also started taking occasional trips without him for a blessed few days. The irony is the more I pulled back and stopped playing his games his less negative towards me he's become. But being punished for being an authentic person in my own home is hard. I can feel the tension rise just walking into the house. I'm nearly 60 and my retirement is riding on being able to stay so I have a strong incentive to manage this. You'll have to decided if it is worth it for you.

[maymay22]

I can relate to all of this. I, too, learned medium chill as a coping mechanism as a child. I was born to a teen mom and my mom was all over the place. I had a sibling who died as an infant when I was around 10  and my mom became even more of an emotional wreck (not that I blame her). I was always her rock and my sole purpose in life became cheering her up. When she got married, I learned to exist quietly so as not to get in the way of their relationship. Fast-forward to my marriage to a PD, I walk on egg shells every day. I rarely ever express my true feelings to my PDH...and he constantly complains of lack of intimacy. But anytime I tell him my true feelings about anything, he finds a way to use it against me later. I just tell him what he wants to hear. I, like you, feel as though I have lost myself completely. When we have a length of time where we are good and I start to let my guard down, something happens and it reminds me that I can never ever be my true self with him.  I don't think I can live my entire life like this. At some point I just want to be free to be myself. I'm sorry you are experiencing this too.

[capybara]

But anytime I tell him my true feelings about anything, he finds a way to use it against me later..

My H is not nearly as bad as what I see a lot of people are going through. But how can you be close and open when you say something to your spouse in a loving and intimate time, and it's angrily thrown back at you weeks or months later? Or completely distorted?