first child custody evaluation

[sevenyears]

For those of you with more experience: The child custody evaluators will evaluate me and the children, and then my stbx uocpd with the children. Basically, two people will come together (one social worker and one psychologist) to our home after school and observe me parenting the children for about an hour or two. Then, they will do the same with stbxh. THen, they will write their recommendation to the judge. Of course, uocpd stbxh has been FOTY for the past weeks.

In your experience, how does such a custody evaluation work? What do they actually do or observe? How can I prepare myself mentally for this? I'm so worried. He will be FOTY and so far, the courts have generally believed him and made me out to be unreasonable. And, the children will be in a new environment when they evaluate us since I'm moving into a new apartment a few days before the evaluation.

And, what is the difference between a GAL and a custody evaluator? The language of this court system is not my native language, so I'm not sure I'm getting the terminology entirely correct. And, I'm not sure I understand the differences between the two in any language.

[athene1399]

Seven,

I only have experience with a law guardian which I believe is similar or the same thing as a GAL. The GAL is basically a lawyer who represents the best interests of the child. The custody evaluator is someone the courts bring in to investigate/observe the child in their environment (at each home). With the evaluator, you will go through your basic routine and they will watch (from how I understand it. I have never experienced this myself). With the GAL, they ask questions and can do their own investigation. I don't believe the GAL will watch the kids play at home. The GAL will be in court throughout the whole court proceedings as an additional lawyer who can ask questions during the proceedings. I would think the evaluator could be called in as a witness, or give the information to the judge or lawyers for them to use during the proceedings.

Maybe someone else can clarify. I've only experienced a law guardian. We had a few appointments with her at her office. Sshe sat with us and let us state our concerns and how things are at our home and what we thought was best for SD and why. We also discussed how well SD was doing under our care (so we could show why we wanted the agreement left as is. BM was trying for full custody). Then she brought in SD alone and asked her who she wanted to live with, and followed up with her with some of the concerns we brought up. The LG later told the judge what her client wanted, but what she felt was best in the situation. The LG is allowed to ask witnesses questions if the case goes to trial. I'm sure they participate in the hearings as well. I only have experience in the trial as a witness and not the court hearings.

You should not prep the kids for either. If you coach them, like tell them what to say or do, the evaluator and GAL will know. BM told SD what to say to the LG and she noticed that SD was coached/told what to say and how to answer by BM. Let the PDx play into that trap.

I hope some of this helps. Maybe someone can add more.

[Penny Lane]

Sevenyears, I hope someone with experience with actual custody evaluations will chime in.

My two cents is just some general advice for combating a PD's smear campaign against you: Try to relax as much as possible. I know that seems impossible when you're dealing with so much. But you want the evaluators to see you at your best, and you will not be at your best if you let your ex get into your head. Plus, the more relaxed you are the more relaxed the kids are.

Can you prepare ahead of time to do things like, take a deep breath and wait a beat before you answer any questions? Plan a fun, wholesome activity (family game day?) right before they come that you and the kids all enjoy? Can you make a little mantra for yourself that will help you calm down in the moment? Basically anything that helps you take yourself out of the stress in the moment.

Good luck! It sounds like the timing is bad but if you can be your best self, hopefully the evaluators will see that.

[sevenyears]

Athene, Penny, thank you.

Athene, it sounds like this will be a custody evaluator. And, it sounds like we had a law guardian last year, whom I've not heard from since. She did recommend that the children have primary residence with me. I have a new lawyer now. I"ll ask her if there is any way to reinvolve the law guardian. The only thing I will tell the children (3 and 7) is that "two people are coming to watch me as a mommy, and they will also watch daddy. They want to see if the current arrangement works. You both will continue to go back and forth between mommy and daddy. The number of days might change, or, they might stay the same. When they are here, you just act like you always do. If they ask you questions, do your best to tell the truth." Any other advice? What if the kids express a preference for one or the other of us?  My daughter (7) has been saying she wants to stay with me, while my son (3) wants to stay with daddy (where he has fewer boundaries - he was the GC until stbx recently became FOTY for both.)

Penny, yes, I need to relax! And, I think moving into the new flat will help! It will be far from ready (eg, no light fixtures - live wires!), but it's ours. Our current place belongs to some friends. It is temporary. All their stuff is still here, so we have nowhere to put our things. It is a mess. Things don't work. Before the evaluators come to the new apartment,  I will have finished the kitchen, and have beds and shelves for the children and their clothes and games, as well as a kitchen table. I will try to get the lights taken care of so that it is more childproof, but that might be too much for me to accomplish in one week.  And, I hope the evaluators will recognize that, and recognize that the children and I are doing well in challenging circumstances.

[Penny Lane]

I'd err on the side of telling your kids as little as possible - they're young enough that they won't know how big of a deal it is. Sounds like you've pretty much covered it!

Another piece of sort of "PR campaign" advice I have is: Be matter-of-fact when you talk about things that you're anxious or embarrassed about. Like, don't dwell on everything that's NOT set up in your house. State the facts as quickly as possible and move on. "We just moved in so you'll notice that things are somewhat in a state of flux! But I'm very excited to show you our new place." Or something else short and succinct. If you think they're worried about the lights or whatever you could offer to let them come back once you've moved in - but I imagine they'll ask if that's what they need to do.

PDs looooove to make us over-explain, to JADE. But that gets you focused on what's going wrong. You want to focus on what's going right! Don't be a jerk (not that you would) but project confidence in your parenting and your kids.

All that being said, I would get those light fixtures in if at all possible. I think that'll give you some peace of mind. But maybe I'm imagining the live wires being worse than how they actually look.

You can do this! And as an aside I'm so happy for you that you're getting your own place. I hope it becomes a safe haven for you and your kids.

[hhaw]

I was advised to "play games" with my kids... board games that is, and sure enough.... that's what we had to do during our evaluation.

It would be good if your kiddos were used to following rules, and being OK with winning and losing, kwim?

You don't want the kids to cheat, and put you in position to enforce rules they're dead set on ignoring.  You don't want them to hit anyone if they're frustrated or losing, kwim?

Things can go badly very quickly if the kids aren't used to playing board games, following rules, and taking turns IMO.  Particularly if there's already a bias against you...... have those kids playing fair, enjoying the game no matter who's winning, and using their inside voices.  Focus on the kids.  Smile, and laugh, and KNOW what your kids are going to do.

If you're feeding the kids while the evaluator is there, make sure the kids like the meal, and the meal's pretty healthy.  Make sure you have a fire extinguisher where it's handy, and maybe something the kids can use easily.

Make sure you come off as a consistent parent who puts boundaries in place, and enforces logical consequences.  You don't have to be mother of the year, but you do have to have answers for when the kids don't want to do homework, or go to bed.   How do you handle that?

Kids should be allowed to deal with consequences of their actions.... if they don't turn in work, they get to deal with a bad grade, etc. 

Routines are a good thing, IME.

Kids having a place to do homework, and play is a good thing.  Food in the fridge is a given, as is a safe clean environment. 

This is a couple hours, so the evaluators won't have a lot to evaluate, IME. 

If you're asked about your strengths and weaknesses as a parent, have that info in mind. 

If you're asked about your children's strengths and weaknesses, have something in mind.

Your kids will have good school subjects, and things they don't like.  They ight struggle with certain things.... collaboration with peers, or tidying up, or focusing on a task until it's done, etc.

Be ready to speak about things you enjoy with your kiddos.... cite personality differences with the kids, and how that works for them, or doesn't. 

It's likely the PD will be focused on himself, and not on the kids.... how happy a particular movie makes them, and shared duty of making popcorn, or time at the beach making sandcastles..... just make sure you're child focused, NOT DEFENSIVE, and overtly helpful, positive, and ready to help Dad be the best darned father he can be to these kids.

And.... don't come off with anything critical or that can be interpreted as critical toward the evaluators.  People can be petty, and punitive..... it's not fair, but that's often the case, IME.

I put together a notebook of helpful information for the evaluators which was HUGELY helpful.  You can have things sorted by subjects.....
SAFETY
MEDICATIONS
E MAILS
TEXTS
CALENDARS
Pictures of activities, etc

The evaluators will be in a hurry to tick certain boxes, IME. 

They'll be after certain things, so get that notebook out early, and quickly get to the most important items.... they'll likely look, and be interested, then remember they have particular goals, and very little time....  they'll pull back, and get to the questions, and probably have you play a board game..... have the kids used to the games, and make sure they're well rested, and reassured that everything's going to be OK.

Good luck,

[sevenyears]

Penny - yes, I hope this place will become my/our safehaven. We're living temp in a friend's place, for which I am very grateful. But, it's not set up to accommodate us. So, I'm very excited about the new place. Children are excited too. But, it is another transition and they are really acting out this week, (not only about the move, but also because of major differences in "pacifier policy" between me and stbxh.  They will continue to do so during our next week together - when the evaluators are present. I like your suggestion about offering the evaluators to come again. Then they can see how the children have settled in, and how the flat is looking. HHaw, thanks for the tips - especially about the games. They are good at imaginary play together. Rules-based games are hit or miss on a good day. And, this evaluation will take place in a new flat, during a major transition. I've been exposing them to the place this week and talking about what I'm doing to get it fixed up and ready for us.

[athene1399]

Good luck, Seven. I hope things go well. With our Law Guardian in the US, who SD wanted to stay with had more sway when she was in her teenage years (14 years old). If the Law Guardian feels it's better for the kids to stay with the other parent, the Law Guardian can trump what the kids say when they are younger. Like if your 3 year-old wants to stay with Dad and the LG feels that's not a good idea, he or she will state that IME. 

I hope you have a good move to the new place! I am excited for you.

[sevenyears]

A belated thank you Athene.

Yes, the move went well - am still very busy getting everything in place. Today. DS said he likes this place more.  He takes awhile adjusting to changes. DD said she loves it here soon after we moved.

Next week the GALs will present us with their conclusions from the study visit. Am very nervous.

[athene1399]

I am glad the kids are liking the new place as much as you are.

I hope things go well with the GAL.