push/pull, the love bombing phase has begun

bohemian butterfly · July 09, 2019, 09:53:37 AM

Since the 5th of July (on the 4th of July I got sick with a uti and he was upset because we missed a cook-out) my boyfriend has been over-the-top attentive and "loving."

This push/pull dynamic is really, really difficult because he is acting like he did when we first started dating and it is taking everything in me to stay strong (I realize that I am willingly in this "game" and I don't want to play, but the pull to give-in is VERY strong).

I have been reading a lot lately. Kris Godinez (amazing woman on Youtube) recommends several books, one of them being,"The Disease to Please." I'm also watching videos on YouTube and posting in this forum. I also have a therapist and have shared my story with two trusted friends. I feel like I'm doing everything right, but still having reservations. I'm feeling like time is ticking; I am ready to leave at any time (July 20th is the goal) and by all accounts I am "out" of the relationship. I keep reminding myself that what I'm feeling is not a slight reservation, I mean I took major steps to get out of this relationship, I: bought a house, moved most of my stuff, set up utilities, set up an appointment with ADT, met some of my new neighbors, changed my address on most of my accounts, etc. The aforementioned took planning and energy. I could have changed my mind at any moment, but I didn't; I walked this path because I know, but gosh darn, this may be one of the hardest things I've ever done.

My therapist told me that I will go through the stages of grief. I thought that I had walked through sadness, but she told me I will oscillate between them all a few times, it is not linear. Yesterday I took a vaca day and stayed at my house. I ran a few errands and stopped by the Home Depot to get some supplies. While I was in there, Keane's song, "Somewhere Only We Know" came on through the sound system. I bit my lip because I could feel the tears. I paid for my stuff and ran to the car and burst into tears. That song had no importance in our relationship, but the words really got to me because we are in this codependent relationship and it is like I am losing an arm (I have been with this man every day for 4 years!) I had this urge to run to my boyfriend, to throw myself into his arms and be vulnerable. Then my thoughts shifted to my father, who to this day is distant and I am supposed to know that he loves me..... I continued to bawl because I realized I have been distant (to everyone) because I am afraid, but everyone that should have brought me comfort in my life (my father, my exes, my boyfriends) couldn't because they were just as wounded (not my fault, but we gravitated towards each other and fit like a lock and key). As I drove down the road, I continued to cry (like heaving, an ugly cry) but I let it out, then I attempted to self soothe (at a stop light). I gently rubbed my arms and told myself that I am loved and safe. I worked through it.

It's the inconsistencies that are getting to me, here are two examples:

last week he casually told me that I needed to collect some chicks that had gotten out of the brooder (some of them were running around it trying to get back to their mother) I literally dropped everything in my arms (I had just gotten home from work and lord knows how long they had been upset and desperate to get back to their mother!) and ran over to them , trying to collect them all (all 15 were accounted for, and I got them back to their momma, safe and sound). I was absolutely frantic (he knows that I have a fear of my cats getting outside and that the chicks will escape, etc) He knows how hard I work at animal husbandry, I mean I have devoted hours to making sure all the farm animals are cared for, but he could have cared less. As I was frantic, he just walked away. I don't understand!

Then yesterday, as I fiddled with the brooder again (chicks are getting bigger and I needed to revamp their living quarters) he walks by and just stares at me lovingly. He said, "You are just amazing! You are so caring! There is no one like you" And he looked right into my eyes (usually he is distant, and hurried) This was hard because it felt genuine and my mind started the "what if" game. I felt the tug...

Affection and intimacy had been lacking, but I started to no longer care (this was my go-to as a child, I told myself not to care if my parents were emotionally distant, I built up this wall) I mean he hardly touched me and he bossed me around like an employee. He was passive aggressive and too busy. In the evening his stayed up on his iPhone (Facebook) scrolling through for hours. Completely distant, closed off. One time I repeated myself 3 times, and he never heard me. He would cut me off mid-sentence and was just far, far away. His relationship was/is the farm and it took (takes) precedence. He once said (during an argument) "If you are so unhappy, why don't you just leave! Farming is my dream, my life and I'm not going to change"

Now, he is over-the-top affectionate. When he walks by, he will grab me and hug me. Yesterday he grabbed my face, turned it towards him and kissed me. In the evening, while watching a show (actually he watched the show with his headphones and his Ipad) he tries to stroke my arm and leg lovingly. He tries to throw his leg over mine when he goes to sleep (I feel suffocated and controlled)

I feel guilty because now I have pulled away. I feel sick inside because I cringe when he touches me. Last night when he threw his leg over both of mine, I rolled over and unentangled myself. I feel like this is forced affection on his part, it doesn't feel good, but I keep telling myself that I should accept it????? I don't know why I think this. Is it because I am biding my time and just playing a part until I leave? Why am I torturing myself with this?

I know that if I broke (meaning I succumbed to his advances) we would be right back to the status quo.

Veloter · July 09, 2019, 10:27:55 AM

Oh, BB, I feel for you. It's just so confusing and hard. I can only offer my experience as I am much further down the road than you are. I've been doing this push/pull for almost 40 years. It's uncanny how they can feel you pulling away and disconnecting. Just as much as they feel you pullling away, they know when you are pulled back in. My husband has been wonderful at times and says exactly what I need to hear. After a lot of years, I started noticing a pattern, that these instances were usually followed up with something he wanted. Chores, sex, material things, etc. They KNOW when they can relax and be their nasty selves again. Rinse and repeat. My uNPDh has pulled me back after affairs, after horrible verbal abuse, everything but physical abuse. (he prides himself on that.."at least I've never hit you")

I blame myself for not getting out, but my life is full of regret. I have lost sooooo many years thinking that this is just my life. I discovered this forum only a couple of years ago and It was like a ton of bricks hit me. It all made sense. Life is a bit better because I have used the tools available, MC, grey rock and no JADE have done wonders. I would give everything I own to go back and have an opportunity like you have now. If you were truly happy and content, you would not have taken the steps you did. Your therapist is a smart woman.

It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

(((HUGS)))

bohemian butterfly · July 09, 2019, 10:57:21 AM

Veloter,

thank you for your kind words and well wishes. Please don't blame yourself, it is not your fault!

Although I have been with my boyfriend for only 4 years, I have spent countless others in similar relationships and feel like I have lost precious time.

You wrote: "that these instances were usually followed up with something he wanted" and I believe that that is exactly what is going on. He also has some abandonment issues, so I am sure that he has some sort of desperation as well.

Spygirl · July 09, 2019, 02:12:47 PM

Hmmm,

Yeah so familiar.

My pdexh like to leave the sliding glass patio door open(no screen). He knew if the cat got out i would panic. Coyotes out there. Once she did, overnite. He was soooo non -chalant about it. I was running around all nite with a flashlight.

Fast forward 3 yrs, we get all new windows, and slider WITH SCREEN. He would STILL open the screen so cat could get out. He did this to be a jerk, on purpose. He really wanted no pet, all focus on him.

After we split, he was wanting.to get a.cat, he was lonely.

I asked him "who is going to watch it? They stink i thought? You're going to clean a litterbox now? I thought you were going to travel again for wk?"

You see, getting a cat was a way to make me concerned about it, so i would be around him at his beck again. When i made i clear i was not going to assist in any way he dropped it. Still no pet 18 months later.....

I made a point of believing every statement he made as what he was actually planning to do. Took it as truth, not suggestion.or threat.
It was very helpful in minimised monkey business.

Imo, be advised that those animals will probably be used to enmesh you after you leave in some way. You may want to consider removing them, or consider your other options for action when they come up, because i am betting they will.

Omygoodess · July 10, 2019, 12:26:17 AM

Love bombing....it's why I stayed so long. You get a little hope that things could be normal. You get a glimpse of how things used to be. But, the cycle continues and you finally realize that something is seriously wrong. I shed the same confused tears you do. Leaving my home and having no contact has been the best thing I have ever done. You have to get away from the Dr. J and Mr. H long enough to get mentally sound don't you agree??

daughterofbpd · July 10, 2019, 12:27:59 AM

He probably feels you pulling away and is using the affection as a means of control to reel you back in. Although he probably isn't aware that's what he's doing. Breaking up after 4 years isn't an easy thing. It would be weird if you weren't emotional.

I know that cycle really well though. Everything is good for awhile but it always cycles back to the same unresolved issues. Stay strong. You can do this.

bohemian butterfly · July 10, 2019, 09:00:32 AM

Quote from: daughterofbpd on July 10, 2019, 12:27:59 AM
He probably feels you pulling away and is using the affection as a means of control to reel you back in. Although he probably isn't aware that's what he's doing. Breaking up after 4 years isn't an easy thing. It would be weird if you weren't emotional. I know that cycle really well though. Everything is good for awhile but it always cycles back to the same unresolved issues. Stay strong. You can do this.

yes, I do believe you are right, that he can feel me pulling away. He has gotten clingy and it makes me feel sad. I feel for him but I can't stay because I feel sorry for him.

Boat Babe · July 10, 2019, 12:33:34 PM

I felt terribly sorry for my ex when I left. He was a very damaged man (notoriously crazy mother and sexual abuse from another male). It was genuine compassion, but I also knew that if I stayed, he would damage me and much as I loved him, I had to leave.
It's been a tough eleven months, but I have no regrets about saving my life.