The law gets involved/ The Clean Up Rule

[Jumpy]

Hi all-

Just a quick update-

My wife never scheduled a meeting with the teacher or staff, and neither did I. We kind of just let the incident slip into the past like so many others.

Even better- when the parent teacher conferences rolled around, my wife apoligized to the teacher. She said that any issues she has, she should address in private. So - to be clear - not apologizing for the content, but rather the forum, of her attack.  I really felt good, and hopeful.

That lasted one day. The very next day as we were waiting to talk to my other son's teacher, one of the other moms was also waiting. My wife is convinced that this mom is out to get her, and it set off a terrible spiral later that night. That night was the worst delusions yet, IMO. She now believes that her old employer systematically drugged her, and did horrible things to her. It was pretty awful to listen to. I am very grateful to this site and the people on it, because I am now much, much better equipped to handle these moments. I didn't argue, and told her that I feel for her, which is entirely true. Even better, I said that people who've been through something like that, generally benefit from therapy, and that she had such a good response to anxiety medicine a few years ago, I'd recommend a psychiatrist. This approach seemed to have a glimmer of positve response. I'll be leaning harder on this in the coming weeks. I'm not optimistic, but it is a path that I need to try.

That's where we stand at the moment. I've been struggling through depression in the last few weeks (March in particular for some reason), which probably explains my relative quiet here. I'm doing well today, and feeling grateful for your all.

[coyote]

Jumpy I feel bad for anyone struggling with depression. Have you had issues with it in the past? If so how have you dealt with it then? It can be hard living with a PD and there can be many reasons for being depressed at times. I hope she seeks the help you have suggested Seems like you did a good job kind of sneaking that in. Keep us up to date,].

[openskyblue]

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this, Jumpy. It sounds like your wife is having some pretty elaborate and troubling delusions. It must be hard to try to hold the line on being stable and steady when you are partnering as a parent with someone who is believing in such delusions. If I were in your shoes, I'd be wondering what other delusions she is having that she is not telling you about.

It makes sense to me that you feel depressed. I would imagine that your wife's PD behavior and view of the world puts a weight on you. As someone who had to interpret the world apart from my PD exhusband, I remember it as a lonely and hard business.

[Jumpy]

Hi all-

I know a couple of you have asked for updates before. Here is where I things are at the moment.

The rest of the school year was pretty uneventful, but my wife has an escalating feeling that the attacks on our children are getting worse (they don't really exist, never mind getting worse.) Her delusions are more persistent. I have a real hard time avoiding the circular arguments around them. For example, this past weekend, she shared with me her concerns about the children and asked me what we should do about it? I  immediately felt that familiar trapped feeling in these conversations. I started with telling her that when we've had these conversations before, she hasn't liked my answers and gets pretty angry at me, and that I don't want to do it. That frustrates her, and she doesn't get it, and pushes forward. I eventually gave in, and true enough a horrible fight ensues. I try to shortcut it to the conclusion- I am horrible- but she is pretty insistent that she review all the ways I am horrible. It is frustrating and draining.

There was one terrible incident where an old family friend reached out and invited us over. My wife thinks this person is out to get us, and told her off and to stay away from us. That was awful, though this friend did reach out separately to me worried about my wife. and I assured her that I knew what was going on. That felt good, though we did miss out on catching up with old friends.

In addition, my wife has now gone to the FBI to report the persecutions. I have no idea how this went or how the FBI deals with these things. So to date, she has gone to the police a couple of times, a crime victim's advocate attorney and the FBI. Every now and then, I note that none of those things bring her satisfaction, and I try to suggest a doctor. It fails.

On the plus side, I'm now sticking up for myself a bit more and am doing pretty well. For example, this past weekend we were going to go on a family hike, but after the aforementioned fight, I simply said I am not spending the day with someone so stuck on hating me. It was the second time I did that. The first time a few weeks ago, my wife took the kids out by herself and I went for a long peaceful walk. This time, I took the kids on a short hike and we stopped to play mini-golf on the way home. It was great.

Also on the plus side - I am doing better at the self care. I've listed the various things that I do for that elsewhere here, but suffice it to say, I do it more, and feel pretty good. Someone posted here something along the lines of - "my staying wasn't a reflection of how much I loved you, but of how much I didn't love myself". That stuck with me, and I am trying to better take care of myself.

Also, on the plus side - I've now met with two divorce attorneys. I'm not there yet, but it does feel like a real possibility, and at the recommendation of some folks here, I've now armed myself with knowledge.

Finally, I've started reading I am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help! How to Help Someone with Mental Illness Accept Treatment. I'm about a 25% through the book, and it has been mostly about the condition, and not yet about how to help. I'm not optimistic, but it feels like a step I have to take, and I'm glad I found the book.

I haven't posted here much (not much has changed, and as I mentioned, I had been kind of depressed for bit), but I've replied to few, and I am pulling for a lot of folks here in this little community that I love. I love seeing the progress and the support. Pushit's recent milestone left me smiling for days. It helps.

All in all, my wife is sliding, the kids are doing ok, and I'm improving. I started posting here in the welcome mat saying  "I am strong and diminished". I'm leaning more to the strong side at the moment. 

Thanks all for your ongoing support.

[daughterofbpd]

Hi Jumpy,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this. I could be wrong but that level of paranoia seems more extreme than "just" a PD. Have you looked into having your wife temporarily committed (for medical evaluation)? Its a tough thing to do but her behavior sounds dangerous. She is not making sounds decisions on her own behalf.

My BPDm has had her issues with having a different reality than everyone else but she isn't so "off" that people would realize she has a mental illness. However, she did have one short period of time where she got increasingly paranoid. She was making up stories and accusing everyone of playing tricks on her. She refused to see a doctor claiming there were spies from her work there. My dad ended up calling the police who took her to a mental hospital. She only stayed a few days but the paranoia was better when she returned. I was young so I'm not sure what the resolution was, if any. It may have just been a temporary psychotic break due to stress. My M also does better on medication.

I hope you can find some kind of help in this. Take care.

[MRound]

I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten worse.  I am not sure I would waste time trying to get her into treatment—paranoids generally just won't do it, which makes sense when you think about it. My Uppdh went to a therapist only because our younger son (17 at the time), who my husband seems to worship, told my husband he had to. This was after an episode of extreme raging and hysteria.  If my son had not insisted I am pretty sure we would not be married any more.  This was after I had begged him many times to go to therapy. 

I think you need to be concerned for yourself and your children. Your wife sounds like she might have a more sever version of the disorder—the fact that she is going to authorities is scary. You can't trust her to be rational, and she could turn on you in an instant. I have seen a milder version of this in my house and have read of terrible acts of violence in other cases.   And you can't necessarily predict it because her brain just doesn't work like other people's.

[delmiss]

As frustrating as I find it, somehow, I kept my cool and reminded myself of the Clean Up Rule (from the toolbox), and that this was her stuff, not my stuff. I was chill and thanked her for telling me. I suspect that this will be a mess, and I will be in it to some extent, but not last night. After the discussion, she tucked the kids in, and I went for a long walk. At no point did I actually feel angry. It felt like a huge step.