Stuck in a Loop

[vonmoot]

I haven't posted in awhile.  Have been working on myself and trying to implement Grey Rock and Medium Chill.  Having mixed results until...

Two days ago wife (either NPD with OCPD or OCPD with NPD...not that it matters) was complaining about stuff that my mother has said to her (over 3 months ago!).  Aside - she told wife that her shoes make her plain dress look better and she should use sun block to decrease the spots on her face.  I told her I understood how that made her feel, and that I would have a conversation with my mother at the soonest opportunity.  Naturally, this was not good enough.  She commented that I do not care about how my mother makes her feel, I won't confront my mother, I NEVER confront my mother.  I made a comment that I will talk to her, but I wanted to wait a few weeks to have a face-to-face conversation.  This only escalated wife's view that I would not handle things appropriately.  I tried to go Grey Rock as we drove to our office.  She read this a being Radio Silent, which triggered her more.  Since she was not getting a response, she starts probing.  She says "you don't ever try to resolve things".  Naturally, this was a trigger for me (sadly).  Totally unfair characterization.  When we arrived at the office, I told this was B.S.  I got out of the car and started to go inside the building.  She got out of the care, walked to the driver's side and drove away.  I am left at the office without transportation.  I work all day doing my thing.

Daughter gets me that afternoon.  I go home and wife is so tired (she left her coffee with me and couldn't be bothered to make more) that she could not even have chew her food much less have a conversation.  She went to bed.  The next morning I try to bring up the events and try to have closure (probably mistake #1).  As we were about to leave the house, I remark that I will be driving myself as I did not like being left stranded without transportation at the office.  Since she was not prepared, she became enraged and felt "blindsided".  Now, she is threatening divorce.  Supposedly has started some sort of online portal for divorce.  I am trying to talk her down (we have a 5 yo son).  We talk late into last night.  She brings up stuff that I thought was resolved.  Finally, I tell her that do whatever she wants; I do not want divorce but I cannot stop her.  She continues to talk and talk and talk.  It's like she wants the divorce but does not want to be the one to initiate it.

Today, we are stuck rehashing the "conversation".  I tell her I am "resigned" to my fate.  She continues rehashing everything, restarting everything (3rd time).  Luckily, I get to leave as she has to stay at home.

I apologize for the length.  I know I've left out some stuff.  I just know that I was LEFT WITHOUT transportation, yet I am the bad guy because I did not broach that subject properly.

[Julian R]

Hello vanmoot

I am not sure i will be of much help except to say that I understand and can identify with your situation as I see very similar patterns of behaviour with my own unDPw.

So much of what you say is familiar to me and I too feel stuck in a loop.  The long circular conversations (or monologues), the constant repeating and rehashing, the unfair characterisations, the dislike of my mother.  Yes i get accused of not being supportive and of not wanting to resolve issues - when the problem is my wife is dismissive and belittling of solutions that I suggest and doesn't really come up with any alternatives herself.  It is very wearing.

Nevertheless, I have not had to endure the spiteful behaviour of things like leaving you without transportation, neither has she threatened divorce - things seems much more difficult for you.

I too have been practising medium chill and especially trying not to JADE - to a degree these have defused or de-intensified some situations, so do try to persevere with that; but I agree that there can be downsides, it can be misinterpreted or trigger other reactions - not JADEing is perhaps the least worst solution but nevertheless worthwhile.

[vonmoot]

Julian R -
Thanks for the support.  I realize that some of this my fault.  I got caught up in JADEing (I know not to do that).  I let my emotions rule me.  Being left without transportation and STILL being blamed for ALL of the problems in our marriage is so frustrating and even infuriating.

At this point I just wish she would just do it.  Just divorce already.  Since I am committed (obligated) to our son, I cannot bring myself to divorce.  I feel that she is hoping I will be the one, so she can claim the moral high ground.  Maybe I am too.

[Julian R]

Hi vanmoot

Don't be too harsh on yourself for getting drawn into some bad reactions - the whole transport thing was well out of order and I know I could not have let something like that pass without reacting in some way, especially if things hadn't been going well before.  And don't forget the mantra - you didn't cause it, you can neither control nor cure it.

I am not one generally to encourage divorce and  at times I have considered but always drawn back so I understand it is a really hard step to take.  Nevertheless from the little i have read of your situation it does seem that it may be sooner or later inevitable.  I used to think that to avoid divorce was usually the best thing for children but now i am less sure.  Finding the best / safest solution for your child needs to be a priority, he will undoubtedly be affected by things going on in the home.

How self aware is your wife?  Would she ever recognise she too needs to change?  Would she ever see a need to go to a therapist and engage seriously with  one?

[vonmoot]

How self aware is your wife?

I think deep down she is self-aware but her emotional lability makes it difficult for her to admit it.  For example, last year her parents (elderly...at least 75 years old) went through a period were her mother physically assaulted her father (threw water on him) and stormed out of the house in the dead of night.  I half-joking said "is that what I have to look forward to?"  She admitted that she is a lot like her mother.

Would she ever recognise she too needs to change?

I don't think so.  After 26 years of marriage, she has given no indication that she needs to change.  For example, when I brought up the whole transportation thing, her first response was that I had transportation: I could walk.  Nice.  She finds it much easier to "victim blame" than take full responsibility.  Her fragile ego will not allow her to take responsibility.  That would mean opening up to the possibility that she is inferior.  Her inferiority complex is so bad that she cannot fathom that possibility.

Would she ever see a need to go to a therapist and engage seriously with  one?

In the past I have suggested for us to go into counseling (this before I came to view that as a dead end).  She categorically rejected it, because I was the problem in the marriage, not her.  Therefore, why should she go to counseling?  Besides, she would have to start taking responsibility for herself.  I do not foresee that ever happening.

I admit my mistakes: allowing her to get past my defenses and push my buttons.  I ended up JADEing big time.  During these explosive moments, I feel like a hostage (I'm the hostage) negotiator.  I'm trying to talk her off the ledge.  I am recognizing that this a conditioned response.  Also, I cannot talk to her, because I'll use facts.  She is looking at everything through the lens of emotion.  Hopefully, I can remember the mistakes of what happened and not fall into her trap again.  In essence I have to be able to make my statement and then shut up.  Not get sucked into her maelstrom of emotion.  It is pointless and exhausting.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself.