Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?

  • 12 Replies
  • 373 Views
*

Consumed

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 28
Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« on: July 10, 2019, 09:11:00 PM »
As Iím sat here currently receiving the silent treatment, it has me questioning why I choose to stay in this relationship. And I just wondered what your reasons are?

*

MoutainGal

  • New Member
  • *
  • 26
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2019, 12:33:51 AM »
I guess because this person used to be my best friend, and I still hold a hope that we could get back to that. There were good things that got me so far into this relationship. I want to believe that it wasn't all fake.

*

11JB68

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 927
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2019, 01:01:47 AM »
Many reasons....still some obligation and guilt. Commitment/marriage vows. Also, when ds was younger I was worried about sharing custody. Now I've learned if I leave I'll likely have to pay support...

*

Samuel S.

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1042
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2019, 01:33:03 AM »
Hope, obligation, guilt, and fear. Hope that she might come to her senses that we are married. Obligation, because marriage is a commitment. Guilt that I could have tried harder. Fear, because she could possibly harm herself. In fact, I thought about taking a small vacation around the time her oldest daughter passed away. So, instead of leaving her alone especially around that time, I shifted my plans. While she appears strong, there are times that she is emotionally weak, and that time of the year, she is emotionally weak.

*

Jumpy

  • New Member
  • *
  • 21
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2019, 01:52:39 PM »
The kids. The kids. The kids.

My wife will be with the kids without me for 4 days next week. I worry about what will happen. What will she say or do? How will the kids handle it?  What would it be like if 50% of their time were alone with her?
I worry, worry, worry.
I remember well when times were good and longed for them for quite a while. I used to think it could get better again, and I am gearing up for one more summit push to try get her into therapy, but I'm 90% over that notion. Now it is mostly about worrying for the kids.

*

GentleSoul

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 159
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2019, 04:25:39 PM »
I am staying for MY sake.

I am on my third long term relationship with a PD.  The issue is me not them.  I keep being drawn to them.

So I want to stay so I can work on myself and uncovering my patterns and changing them.  I am doing this with the 12 step program of Al-anon/Adult Child of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional people.  I also use Medium Chill and the toolbox on this site.

I can see I have been recreating my childhood relationships with mum and dad.  Both PD's and alcoholics.

If I had walked away from current PD, I am sure I would have gone straight to another.  Over the last few years I have transformed myself.  My attitude, perception, outlook on the world.  I was raised to be co-dependent, a rescuer, fixer etc.  That I was responsible for everyone elses feelings and happiness.   I had no boundaries.  My moral compass was warped. 

With the support of my recovery buddy, i have changed all of this.  My denial and FOG has gone.  I hadn't realised my partners were abusive.  It seemed normal to me! 



*

Frances29

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 132
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2019, 07:26:04 PM »
Many reasons....still some obligation and guilt. Commitment/marriage vows. Also, when ds was younger I was worried about sharing custody. Now I've learned if I leave I'll likely have to pay support...

Almost same. Not FOG for myself per se, but for our 2 boys, and as H has been financially irresponsible the duration of the marriage, depleting his savings, 401k and his retirement due to unemployment or underemployed or trying to ďwork for himselfĒ and I have been steadily and gainfully employed, I will also have to pay support and perhaps buy him out of our house.

Heís also a heavy binge drinker and I really donít want my kids with him every other weekend. H parents and brother also alcoholics and incredibly irresponsible. I donít want my boys with them ...

GentleSoul - my H is the adult child of two alcoholics. Sometimes I wonder why he would have married me, Iíve never drank, am a sober person, and Iím not actually a rescuer type.  But he downplayed his drinking when we dated because alcoholism for me was a dealbreaker. But I had a good job and my own home. Asap we got married he moved in and he got to drinking, barely working. Bait and switch ... took me a long time to see it.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 07:29:26 PM by Frances29 »

*

GentleSoul

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 159
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2019, 05:06:28 AM »

GentleSoul - my H is the adult child of two alcoholics. Sometimes I wonder why he would have married me, Iíve never drank, am a sober person, and Iím not actually a rescuer type.  But he downplayed his drinking when we dated because alcoholism for me was a dealbreaker. But I had a good job and my own home. Asap we got married he moved in and he got to drinking, barely working. Bait and switch ... took me a long time to see it.

Thank you for sharing this. Sending best wishes to you.

*

delmiss

  • New Member
  • *
  • 10
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2019, 05:09:02 PM »
I guess because this person used to be my best friend

*

Lauren17

  • New Member
  • *
  • 15
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2019, 03:50:12 PM »
I guess because this person used to be my best friend
This one. Which I probably didnít realize until I saw it written out. Thank you, for helping me with a bit of self-realization.
For me, the main reason is that if we were to divorce, uBPD MIL would swoop in and have unrestricted access to DD who is treated as SG.

*

EclecticMike

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2019, 05:29:49 PM »
I found out about BPD way too late. If I had known about this 30 years ago, my life would be quite different. Now my health is all gone, my money is all gone, my soul... well, just call me Smeagol. :wacko:

*

not broken

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 58
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #11 on: July 16, 2019, 01:43:57 AM »
Fear, fear of not being enough or lovable I guess.  Turns out that having your mom lock you out because of a missed curfew of 30 minutes, telling the police that you have a father that you can go live with, packing your belongings in black plastic bags and leaving them on the front porch in your senior year of HS is a significant trauma and not great for self esteem.  good news is that it's starting to make sense why I've taken the yelling, blame and shame, and bent over backwards for his approval for the last twenty years.  I mean, if your not enough for your mom to love you, then there has to be something wrong with you, right? 
she and I were estranged for ten years until my hwNPD graciously brought her back into my life... for me?  no, she hasn't changed much and we've never spoken about what happened or why she did something so extreme.  and then of course there's my dad who never talked about how I was feeling, rather only about how happy HE was that I was finally living with him....yep- it all feels so familiar.... thank goodness for my T as I work towards a happy life where I get to choose me.

*

Cascade

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 405
Re: Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?
« Reply #12 on: July 16, 2019, 08:34:04 PM »
Commitment/marriage vows, children, finances, extended family expectations and a good chunk of fear thrown in.