Why do you choose to stay in your relationship?

[Consumed]

As I'm sat here currently receiving the silent treatment, it has me questioning why I choose to stay in this relationship. And I just wondered what your reasons are?

[MountainGal]

I guess because this person used to be my best friend, and I still hold a hope that we could get back to that. There were good things that got me so far into this relationship. I want to believe that it wasn't all fake.

[11JB68]

Many reasons....still some obligation and guilt. Commitment/marriage vows. Also, when ds was younger I was worried about sharing custody. Now I've learned if I leave I'll likely have to pay support...

[Samuel S.]

Hope, obligation, guilt, and fear. Hope that she might come to her senses that we are married. Obligation, because marriage is a commitment. Guilt that I could have tried harder. Fear, because she could possibly harm herself. In fact, I thought about taking a small vacation around the time her oldest daughter passed away. So, instead of leaving her alone especially around that time, I shifted my plans. While she appears strong, there are times that she is emotionally weak, and that time of the year, she is emotionally weak.

[Jumpy]

The kids. The kids. The kids.

My wife will be with the kids without me for 4 days next week. I worry about what will happen. What will she say or do? How will the kids handle it?  What would it be like if 50% of their time were alone with her?
I worry, worry, worry.
I remember well when times were good and longed for them for quite a while. I used to think it could get better again, and I am gearing up for one more summit push to try get her into therapy, but I'm 90% over that notion. Now it is mostly about worrying for the kids.

[GentleSoul]

I am staying for MY sake.

I am on my third long term relationship with a PD.  The issue is me not them.  I keep being drawn to them.

So I want to stay so I can work on myself and uncovering my patterns and changing them.  I am doing this with the 12 step program of Al-anon/Adult Child of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional people.  I also use Medium Chill and the toolbox on this site.

I can see I have been recreating my childhood relationships with mum and dad.  Both PD's and alcoholics.

If I had walked away from current PD, I am sure I would have gone straight to another.  Over the last few years I have transformed myself.  My attitude, perception, outlook on the world.  I was raised to be co-dependent, a rescuer, fixer etc.  That I was responsible for everyone elses feelings and happiness.   I had no boundaries.  My moral compass was warped. 

With the support of my recovery buddy, i have changed all of this.  My denial and FOG has gone.  I hadn't realised my partners were abusive.  It seemed normal to me! 

[Frankie14]

Many reasons....still some obligation and guilt. Commitment/marriage vows. Also, when ds was younger I was worried about sharing custody. Now I've learned if I leave I'll likely have to pay support...

Almost same. Not FOG for myself per se, but for our 2 boys, and as H has been financially irresponsible the duration of the marriage, depleting his savings, 401k and his retirement due to unemployment or underemployed or trying to "work for himself" and I have been steadily and gainfully employed, I will also have to pay support and perhaps buy him out of our house.

He's also a heavy binge drinker and I really don't want my kids with him every other weekend. H parents and brother also alcoholics and incredibly irresponsible. I don't want my boys with them ...

GentleSoul - my H is the adult child of two alcoholics. Sometimes I wonder why he would have married me, I've never drank, am a sober person, and I'm not actually a rescuer type.  But he downplayed his drinking when we dated because alcoholism for me was a dealbreaker. But I had a good job and my own home. Asap we got married he moved in and he got to drinking, barely working. Bait and switch ... took me a long time to see it.

[GentleSoul]

GentleSoul - my H is the adult child of two alcoholics. Sometimes I wonder why he would have married me, I've never drank, am a sober person, and I'm not actually a rescuer type.  But he downplayed his drinking when we dated because alcoholism for me was a dealbreaker. But I had a good job and my own home. Asap we got married he moved in and he got to drinking, barely working. Bait and switch ... took me a long time to see it.

Thank you for sharing this. Sending best wishes to you.

[delmiss]

I guess because this person used to be my best friend

[Lauren17]

I guess because this person used to be my best friend

This one. Which I probably didn't realize until I saw it written out. Thank you, for helping me with a bit of self-realization.
For me, the main reason is that if we were to divorce, uBPD MIL would swoop in and have unrestricted access to DD who is treated as SG.

[EclecticMike]

I found out about BPD way too late. If I had known about this 30 years ago, my life would be quite different. Now my health is all gone, my money is all gone, my soul... well, just call me Smeagol.

[not broken]

Fear, fear of not being enough or lovable I guess.  Turns out that having your mom lock you out because of a missed curfew of 30 minutes, telling the police that you have a father that you can go live with, packing your belongings in black plastic bags and leaving them on the front porch in your senior year of HS is a significant trauma and not great for self esteem.  good news is that it's starting to make sense why I've taken the yelling, blame and shame, and bent over backwards for his approval for the last twenty years.  I mean, if your not enough for your mom to love you, then there has to be something wrong with you, right? 
she and I were estranged for ten years until my hwNPD graciously brought her back into my life... for me?  no, she hasn't changed much and we've never spoken about what happened or why she did something so extreme.  and then of course there's my dad who never talked about how I was feeling, rather only about how happy HE was that I was finally living with him....yep- it all feels so familiar.... thank goodness for my T as I work towards a happy life where I get to choose me.

[Cascade]

Commitment/marriage vows, children, finances, extended family expectations and a good chunk of fear thrown in.

[Aristophanes' Slave]

She used to be my best friend, and she was  - and is, in spite of all that's happened over the last six years - the love of my life. Pride, a certain personal vision of a happy and fulfilled life and a measure of self respect plays into this too: I've worked extremely hard on this relationship. A great investment has been made. And I  - perhaps very naively - still believe in the possibility of long term mutual happiness.

[Crushed_Dad]

Kids and Finances mostly....

Kids - This is the real tough one. Do I do more harm than good by being there? I'm resentful towards my wife all the time, I go out twice a week to the pub to drown my sorrows, I have a tendency to have a short fuse at them when they're just being kids because of my resentment towards my wife. I lash out because of the constant BS she covers our life in. However, if I was to leave I'd be 60 miles away, would see them one day a week max, then would her issues be targeted to them rather than me?

Finances - Everyone would be worse off. No holidays for the kids, not as nice clothes, toys, day trips etc.

I know if I were to leave the house I pay solely towards would no longer be anything to do with me and become hers, half my pension would no longer be mine, I'd be paying £900 a month in child maintenance and probably an amount for spousal maintenance. I'd have a more expensive commute, a longer commute and have to pay for weekly car parking. I'd be left with approx 5-10% of my monthly take home wage.

I have no justification to stay in terms of feelings for my wife, our families outside of the children, we have no shared friends, or interests. My mental health would probably be massively improved in terms of treatment but destroyed with the stress of kids upbringing and financial shackles.

All in all I just see life as an existence now but will honour my responsibilities to the kids.

[11JB68]

Crushed dad, I feel some similar things.
Similar fears...I make more and was told is have to pay support to uOCPDh.
I'm also feeling lately like I'm 'existing', and mostly just to fulfill my obligations to my ds21.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

l'm in the same boat.  Financially, I'd be in a very bad spot.  It's pretty rough already, I'm the primary provider for everyone and I'm behind every month.  In another year, I can move to a cheaper location and be free.  Hanging on until then.

[Fae Greenwood]

Initially I stayed because I needed to be a protection for my kids. I thought that if he could hurt me, a competent adult female, so badly that he would destroy my kids if he got them alone. So I was always home, always the one who drove the kids, who handled homework, who tended the sick, who shopped for gifts, etc. to keep him from going after them. Even so, one child was a scape goat from toddlerhood (boy did we fight about that) and when she moved out of his reach, suddenly another child became his scape goat. She was so confused. Again, I did what I could to block him. I believed that the kids would be gone and I would go too. However, the reality of 30 years of unemployment (I was a full time housewife while my husband traveled frequently for his job and we had four kids), health insurance costs in the USA for a woman nearly 60, and the cost of housing in my area mean that my retirement would either disappear or be diminished by at least 70% if I left in addition to living on alimony alone. I've consulted an attorney to help make an informed decision and so know how much I'd receive in my state as there is a formula but it would be relatively difficult to manage on that sum and I wouldn't be able to live near my kids and grandkids. So now I stay for financial reasons. I do want to point out that I will qualify for Medicare in a few years and he has coronary heart disease, to on to a brighter tomorrow! In the meantime I am learning to manage him better.

[Codeep]

Thank you for asking this question.  i could go to a week long retreat on the topic and still struggle with this question.  After H showed up drunk for a dinner with me and our 15 y.o. last night (it was supposed to be a special date night which I allowed H to sabotage), I'm really struggling with understanding myself.  But staying for the kids is always a good excuse.  A real one.  I have 9 more years to go with school age kids and at that point my H will be 76 if he survives that long (anxiety, alcohol, poor diet have taken a toll on his health).