No contact tips?

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me01t

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No contact tips?
« on: July 13, 2019, 08:12:13 AM »
Does anyone have any advice for handling no contact and ending friendships, Or at least removing yourself from them and places and people you used to frequently visit? The problem I am up against is that I genuinely wonder if some of these people have been so brainwashed they actually think they are helping, When the reality is its re victimising or at best re triggering me. I feel that continuing to see these people is essentially playing the game really and I dont want to do that. However, walking away from these people without an explanation seems quite cowardly whilst any explanation either gets turned on me and my problems or in general creates an issue so i don't know how one goes about this?

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biggerfish

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Re: No contact tips?
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2019, 08:48:59 AM »
Hi me01t. Those are good questions. First, congrats on your decision to continue on your mental health journey. Yes, they may think they are helping, but ultimately, you're detaching, so it kind of doesn't matter what they think. Get in a new habit of not caring what they think, and instead put that energy into YOU and what you need.

There is no need to face or confront people who simply are not good for you right now. After all, doing so is to continue to invest in those relationships, which are a distraction for you from your own mental health. Best to make a clean break if you can.

Walking away without saying a word is not cowardly. It's the ideal. However, if you think doing so will create drama that you want to avoid, then be a little more circumspect about it.

Mostly it's about finding creative ways to make people want to go away, or to lose interest, and to avoid any drama in the process. So that means the more vague you are, the better.  It's a process, not instant. On the other hand, it's not a long process. It's a short process.

I became vague, busy, unavailable. Avoid explanations, but when you do explain yourself, make it as content-free and general as you can. Any explanation I gave was of this type: "Thanks, but I have bigger fish to fry."

But better than an explanation is lots of uncomfortable silence. When they try to speak to you, show interest, but then don't reply. Say things like "oh" or "interesting" or "thank you" or even an unconditional "you're right" (followed by nothing). All of this can be done in a polite tone of voice. I call it "wearing the mask." 

The truth is that what you are doing is good for those people as well as for you because to continue a relationship that is unhealthy for YOU is unhealthy for them, too. Therefore you can drop any worries about being cowardly or uncaring. Rather, by being true to self, you are modeling mental health.

I've been in both positions. That is, I've had people quietly detach from me. Looking back, I realize it was a loving thing to do.

I hope this helps. I'm cheering you on. :elephant:


 

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me01t

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Re: No contact tips?
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2019, 06:53:49 PM »
Thanks, This is really helpful. It's so difficult, In my particular instance I have two flying monkeys, They are a married couple and one has particularly fuelled the problem but her husband as been the only person of about 15 to have my back so it hurts to do this in general but i know i don't have a choice.

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TriedTooHard

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Re: No contact tips?
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2019, 01:45:30 PM »
Hi Me01t, as you go about what biggerfish told you, it also helps to put this group into perspective.  Not that you wish them ill will, but to take away the power they've had over your life.  You mention that you're not going to places you used to go to, and its a small community.  I hope that some day you will gain the confidence of being able to walk into these places without caring what others think.

I know how this feels.  After growing up in a large dysfunctional family, I spent my late teen and young adult years trying to replace them with a large group of friends.  There would be some negative theme to each group, such as alcohol, promiscuity, etc.  So, I'd go from group to group and feel like I had to explain myself and describe the problems with the past group to the new group.  There were judgmental people in each group who, like my uNPDm, placed a lot of value in friend counts and who one knows.  They thrive off of gossip, to feel better about themselves.  It seems like a lot of people, whether PD or not, have this mindset.  With this mindset, the larger the group, the better, and it should be the same group of people at most gatherings. 

Once I was finally able to break free from this mindset, I realized that there are a lot of functional people who find these kinds of groups too restrictive and overwhelming.  In fact, I'm also starting to realize that about some support groups and other charity minded groups.  Not all, but some. 

Its great to have many friends, but it doesn't have to be all from one social group.