Old programming and thoughts.

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CoffeeCup2

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Old programming and thoughts.
« on: July 15, 2019, 09:18:26 PM »
I had a very similar experience years ago (much before uNPDx) when I had confidence and shine. Similar to what Iíve been having problems with here, I had a male show interest in me and took things a little too far past the friendship point. What did I do?  Simply emailed him - Iím sorry, but I am not interested. End of story, move on with being my shiny, glowing self.

Fast forward to today (and my similar situation). I am so rattled by it because a) itís unwanted and uncomfortable and b) Iím afraid of repercussions. Iím afraid of my name being smeared amongst social circles (we have mutual contacts). Iím afraid of him telling people Iím a real snob without them even meeting me. Iím afraid that he will get angry with my lack of reciprocating that he will just go on announcing to others how terrible I am.

I nearly crossed a boundary today I had set. I didnít, I caught myself. Thank goodness. Communication between us is so strange. Itís like if I donít reply as he wishes (in a more-than-friends way like he does) itís game over, full stop. Communication ends. End of story. Very peculiar indeed. Today I almost texted back because I never got a reply. Afraid I need to reach out in case he starts talking sh*t about me. I know. Crazy.

Anyways, just thought Iíd rant. Old programming. Just have to keep working through it.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Old programming and thoughts.
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2019, 04:45:57 AM »
It sounds as if your boundaries are broken and you seem to think that you do not have the right to say no - or else. Do you really feel that you don't have the right to say NO and that the repercussions of that will be terrible? Also,  if you could say no in the past and felt ok with it, how can you uncover this self confidence within you again?

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CoffeeCup2

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Re: Old programming and thoughts.
« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2019, 10:11:34 AM »
It sounds as if your boundaries are broken and you seem to think that you do not have the right to say no - or else. Do you really feel that you don't have the right to say NO and that the repercussions of that will be terrible? Also,  if you could say no in the past and felt ok with it, how can you uncover this self confidence within you again?

If I had one wish in this world, it would be to uncover the self confidence I used to have.

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SaltwareS

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Re: Old programming and thoughts.
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2019, 02:32:09 PM »
One thing that helped me so much and saved me from further counseling was this realization - some people are more aggressive than others. That this friend is doing this to you doesn't necessarily mean anything about you. A covertly aggressive person can make anyone feel uncomfortable for not behaving the way he wants them to behave.

And yes, maybe he is the type to try to smear your reputation behind your back in retaliation, or maybe he won't be as effective doing that as you are imagining.

Best of luck.

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athene1399

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Re: Old programming and thoughts.
« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2019, 08:59:26 AM »
I'm never had self-confidence, but I've learned that I'm allowed to take up space. I'm allowed to have wants/needs and I can set up boundaries to say "nope. Doing my own thing and taking care of me right now." So maybe if you can't get your confidence back just yet, but know you're allowed to feel uncomfortable if this guy is doing/saying things you don't like and you're allowed to want to stay away from him. You're allowed to have opinions about him and you don't have to just go with the flow to not rock the boat. It can be difficult with all the "what ifs", but if you are always chained to what other people may say or think about you then you will get your own ideas and needs lost in that. Maybe it's easier for me to say because I've never fit in anywhere so I stopped caring.