Good for you!
Do NOT give in! That's what she wants - for you to wig out and lose your shit, scream like a lunatic and *she can be the victim!* YOU'RE the abusive one! You abused HER! All she did was call and THAT was your reaction!?! You're *unhinged* and are mentally unbalanced!
Bonus points if she tells everybody you've got a drug and/or alcohol problem, too - without any proof.
I feel for you - for *years* I used to react to unBPD Didi's moods (my alleged "mother") - and it only got me what I just described to you. I was the problem. I was the unbalanced one. I was unhinged. I had anger issues.
UnNPD Ray (the so-called dad - and enabler) used to tell me, "You're killing your mother!"
I wasn't allowed to have emotions. Only THEY could.
Unfortunately, all I'd learned about conflict resolution over the years was to act like THEM - scream! Cry! Pitch a fit! Have a meltdown! Be insulting and condescending! Yell and act like a jerk!
Basically, be a *bully* - and that really wasn't getting me too far in life, so the Toolbox helped me rethink *that* whole, "blow up" mindset and figure out how to actually resolve conflict, and be a decent human being, without acting like THAT or becoming overly-emotional or angry about molehills.
There's no need to turn them into mountains.
If you go to the Toolbox, there's section on Medium Chill. It was a godsend to me - I didn't escalate the conversation. I kept things light, neutral and airy, and above all, I didn't *react* with emotion - just fluffy white noise, like talking to a stranger at a bus stop, or in line at the grocery store.
The first time I used Medium Chill on Didi, she actually *gasped* into the phone, took a moment, backtracked, tried shoving another problem at me and got MORE Medium Chill - what would have been a 2-hour conversation (daily!) of me trying to solve her many and never-ending problems that she didn't really WANT solved or fixed, was over in less than 5 minutes, when she slammed the phone down on me.
I remember standing there with the phone in my hand and saying to nobody except our cats, "Oh my God, you mean that WORKED!?!?!?!!?"
Yes, it DID - and Didi *hated* it.
But I really didn't care - my *boundaries* mattered more than her emotions. Those were HERS to manage. It wasn't my responsibility to care-take them or manage them, even though I'd been trained to do it since I was a baby.
I lowered contact (I was the designated caller), and stuck to Medium Chill - and she'd come at me with all the tools in her arsenal - bored, lonely, sad, siiiiiiiiiiiick, dying, losing so much weight she's going to disappear, had a fight with Ray, again, some more, the world hates her, the neighbors are putting up "spite fences," nobody CARES, and "somebody" (me) needs to do her cooking, cleaning, and laundry, but nobody (me) is doing anything.
I Medium Chilled it all away, which frustrated the hell out of her, but liberated me because I got *angry* - not that I let her know it by my tone!
- but after she was done slamming the phone down again (nearly every call ended this way), I'd either think or say, "Who the hell does she think she is? Nobody died and made her God - or the Queen of the World."
I'd *detached.* I was *angry* and world-weary at the same time, but I'd detached and was no longer AFRAID of the specter of my childhood - the primary abuser who was MUCH bigger than me.
She was now an old woman, in her 70's, had osteoporosis, couldn't drive, and relied heavily on a cane.
It helps to see your sister *as she really is, now* - she's not the child that seemed like a much larger monster, that used to bully you when you were young, and you had no escape.
You're both *adults* - on equal footing. If you saw her as the Terminator T3000 Waif from "Game of Thrones" that went after Arya Stark, she is NOT that person anymore - and holds NO power over you except for her *words.*
That's all she's got left - words to push your buttons.
And you've got the tools to not give her the satisfaction - and feel GOOD about yourself.
You didn't stoop to her level, and probably never will again - with good, solid BOUNDARIES.
BTW, there's a book called, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend, available at Amazon in many formats. It won't help you with Medium Chill - but WILL teach you the things you *should* have been taught as a child, but weren't, because there were no responsible adults around - just your parents and sibs, all living in the same mess, and repeating it over and over again.
Be STRONG. Be *proud of yourself!* You did NOT give in!
Work on *yourself* - it's a GREAT investment!
