near end of life hoover....no surprise

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Pepin

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near end of life hoover....no surprise
« on: July 15, 2019, 03:58:57 PM »
Just found an email in my "special" folder from NF with a hoover in it.  He basically admitted that we would never see each other again before his death.  Deadass right.   :applause:

Well.  Good.  The sooner the better.  Let's get this done and over with. 

I have already years ago written him off and in my mind he is essentially dead to me.  I have over a decades worth of his emails during our time of NC and it is obvious how deranged he is.  Before going NC I had tried every single way of communication with him in order to get him to see my side of all of this and it failed.  He owned up to nothing and is a master of playing the pity me card.  Rewrites history despite what I have documented that he wrote to me!

He just turned 88 and his end just cannot come soon enough. 

Not only has he harmed his children, but he has behaved poorly to loads of other people around him.  Saying that "others" think that my siblings and I are to blame is his most used card.  He honestly believes that he was a good parent and that my siblings and I are brainwashed.

If only he could see that he is brainwashed by his own thoughts...then he could leave this earth in peace.  Not going to happen though.  Ugh.  Good riddance.
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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Psuedonym

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Re: near end of life hoover....no surprise
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2019, 05:06:53 PM »
 :bighug: from me Pepin,

I could have written this exact post, except mine is 89 and uBP/NPD m. Her actions and unapologetic behavior drove me to go NC in December. I wrote a letter basically recounting her behaviors mostly over the past few years. Her response has been to try to turn my relatives and even my own BF against me by calling me a liar, mentally unstable, ungrateful, childish, etc. You know the drill. My BF has said on occasion to her that if he had one child he would be doing everything he could to fix the situation. Her response was that she 'wasn't going to LIE and had nothing to apologize for!' ...and then expects me to come over and do everything for her because she was 'the best mother in the world (TM)'. As BF pointed out, she will go to her grave before admitting any wrongdoing. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner the better, even though I sometimes entertain the idea that she'll outlive everyone. It's an odd way to feel, but it is what it is.

We'll hang in there together!  :hug:

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Poison Ivy

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Re: near end of life hoover....no surprise
« Reply #2 on: July 15, 2019, 06:35:50 PM »
Here's my example of "end of life" "hoovering" (see below for explanation of use of quotation marks):  My ex-husband's dad has said to him that it is wrong for ex-H to take any breaks from his 24/7 caregiving duties (for ex-H's dad and mom), to see our children when they are in state once or twice per year for visits, because ex-H's dad is going to die soon and ex-H will have the rest of his life to spend with our children.

"end of life" is in quotation marks because ex-H's dad is now 93 and said this 3 or 4 years ago. "hoovering" is in quotation marks because my ex-H is so joined to his parents that it would require almost a nuclear reaction to split their atom-like bonds.

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Kiki81

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Re: near end of life hoover....no surprise
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2019, 01:37:57 AM »
My Narents are 89 and I have had the same experiences  as the posters above.

I expect them to last into their late 90s at least. No Contact saved my life.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: near end of life hoover....no surprise
« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2019, 01:53:30 AM »
Pepin,

I'm so sorry you were sent this drivel and nonsense!   :P

Oh yes, the precious "others" - "they think" and "they say" - that's a load of codswallop, and your father just making it up as he goes along.   :roll:

He's putting his own thoughts in the mouths of people who probably don't exist - just like the time unBPD Didi told me her doctor wrote a script for me to take her to the casino for "relaxation therapy" and she had to talk him out of writing, "that no-good layabout daughter of yours" - first, no doctor is going to write a script like that or probably even suggest a casino as "relaxation therapy", and second, her doctor didn't have to be talked out of *anything* - it's just projection, through and through.   :blink:

I don't know *what* it is with people like your father, or unNPD Ray, whom I've been NC with for over 3 years, since he was placed in a memory care unit - but they seem to live for freaking EVER.  It's like they're too stubborn and nasty to die!   :aaauuugh:

Ray is going to be 91 in a few weeks (his *older brother* - in a nursing home downstate or possibly a psych facility - is somewhere around 96!   :wacko: ), and if he hadn't fallen, or I hadn't walked away and let things  unfold organically, I can see Ray treating me the same way Poison Ivy's ex's parents treat him - you can see your DH and pets when I'm dead.   :mad:

The ALL Ray show, ALL the time, with NO sanity breaks allowed!   :stars:

I know because he told me, after he fell, that is was my JOB to be taking care of him, so his fall was MY FAULT - not the fault of the guy who refuses to use a cane, and refuses to press his Life Alert button, and would rather lay on the bathroom floor long enough to get a grade 4 pressure ulcer *to teach me a lesson.*

Yeah - totally not his fault.  I'm the baddie for wanting to live my life in peace and quiet. :doh:

Your father's remaining days - just like Ray's and Pseudonym's mom - are  going to be filled with nothing but misery, anger, and just an overall sense of dissatisfaction and disappointment that their lives didn't turn out to be those grandiose lives they'd had planned, and were actually quite *ordinary* - except that nobody can actually stand to be around them, most of all, their own adult children.

Yet they are BLAMELESS and perfect parents - and we are flawed.

Or so they keep telling themselves, believing the lie over and over again because they can't *accept* the reality is we *walked away* because they were so *awful* - not just as parents, but as human beings.

 :hug:

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Hazy111

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Re: near end of life hoover....no surprise
« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2019, 11:22:41 AM »
Mines 93..

I got a threatening letter for me going NC with him, threatening me with the police, accusing me of having  "Avoidant Personality Disorder" (he got this from my uBPDsis)n etc. No response from me . Then i got the " Dear Hazy, Love Dad" , "havent got long, would be nice to "etc letter. No response.

I guess i wont see or hear from him again now before he goes.

I saw this quote on "Narcissists in old age", always apt, when i feel pangs of guilt and pity. Thought it would be useful for others in the same boat. (He once said to me , when i was trying to instigate NC with him, "I suppose ill have to look for new supply". New supply, new supply! He actually used those words " new supply ". )

 The no-holds-barred lying, deceit, rages, threats, exploitations and manipulations that the Narcissist uses works most of the time so why change? As the Narcissist gets older their reservoir of resentment is deeper (the Narcissist is entitled and see's themselves as the Victim never having received ALL that they "should" have) and the extent of the crimes that they commit that they have never paid any consequence for, only serves to entrench the bad behavior. Family members and friends may choose to go No Contact over the years but the Narcissist is expert at finding new relationships to exploit and nearly 100% continue to exploit other decent humans until the day the Narcissist dies.