Please don't beat yourself up! I was in my late 40's when I started realizing there really WAS something wrong with both Didi and Ray - and started putting order to chaos.
I'm in my mid 50's now, and it's the best decision I ever made.
If you want to go NC, I think that's a wise decision. Anything you *want* that brings *betterment* to your life is a wise decision.
Please keep in mind your father and his wife don't live on an ice floe. They have *phones* that can call other numbers than yours. Anything they need, they can call and get it - even a bank loan.
They can use their phones for a number of services: having groceries delivered, having their scripts delivered, ordering necessary items from just about any online retailer, calling for medical help, calling for medical transport, calling for transport, period - and they can even use their phones to do their banking. There is NO need for you to be involved - if they need help, they can call and hire Merry Maids, Meals on Wheels or home health care aides.
They just won't *want* to because often, they get it in their heads that WE are going to be their Old Age Golden Parachute Plan, like it or not!
I chose NOT - and made it happen by becoming the Mythical Adult Daughter, seen about as often as a leprechaun riding a unicorn. I also refused to become involved in their care - that's why they have insurance and doctors.
If you do go NC, *please* still work on yourself and setting boundaries, and the place I'd start is the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. (Available on many formats at Amazon.)
It'll give you a good overview of all those things we *should* have been taught - but weren't.
You'll need good boundaries if anybody does an end-around on your NC and tries to get you involved with your dad and his wife's care or finances - you'll be able to say, "I can't do that..." with confidence.
And it will also give you a leg to stand on when it comes to your mom. (I'm sorry you're another "jackpot" winner. I was *surrounded!* by PDs! The 'rents, the grand'rents, and my inlaws ALL have/had PDs!)
Thankfully, most of them are dead, and Ray is where he belongs (my inner child calls it Monster Jail
), but we've been NC with unNPD MIL since the 90's - and know she's out there, just waiting to try to land on us.
Yeah...she's going to be in for a hell of a surprise. DH has also done the work on himself, and we *both* have the ability to tell her, "That just doesn't work for us. You're smart - I'm sure you'll figure out something..." - and BLOCK!
I strongly suggest you get the book and give yourself that boost you're going to need - many times, guilt creeps in and we start thinking, "What if it's not that bad? What if it's just ME?"
The book - and the toolbox here - will help you see that no, it's NOT YOU - and boundaries are a normal, *healthy* part of our everyday lives.
