BM texted me and I refrained from JADEing

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athene1399

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BM texted me and I refrained from JADEing
« on: July 11, 2019, 10:23:24 AM »
I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about this grad party (as I'm sick of being anxious about it). lol But after all that talk of wanting to help and SO giving BM my number last month, she finally texted me. She said that she had some great ideas for the party and wanted my help. Mind you, we've been planning this since April so everything is done. I'm in grad school so made sure I got practically everything done before my summer semester started because I didn't want to get overwhelmed. I told her I heard from SO the idea she had and thought that sounded great. I told her we could set up a table for her to display the things she wanted to show of SD's. I also told her all the decorations are purchased so she can show up early to help decorate the day of. She seemed okay with that and said she would let us know the head count and said she wanted to help pay for the food. So far so cool. Then she says something like "I'm such a spaz when it comes to organizing stuff so it's probably best you guys left me out of it" [paraphrasing].  :blink: Every time BM asked SO what she can do, he makes suggestions that she just doesn't want to do. We ran past her the venue and the food to make sure she liked that idea. She said last month she wanted to do something, so he gave her my number and it took her a month to say something. It's two weeks until the party. Everything is done. I wanted to explain this all to her, but I didn't. I used to get so defensive about stuff like this, but I stayed my initial reaction and just ignored her comment and said something like "Thank you so much for getting us the head count for your family." I totally get that she's the BM and wants to do something. I'm sure it's real frustration wanting to pitch in, but not having a job for 6 months puts a strain on your finances. We've tried to get her involved in ways that don't involve money so that she doesn't get stressed out. We gave her organizing tasks involving her family, who's coming, and what they want to bring, ect. Then she went in the psych ward so we tagged in gramma just in case BM can't do that. I'm sure she sees it as all our fault for not being included and it's so frustrating because it has nothing to do with us. We've tried to let her feel involved without overwhelming her. And I know she's bad at planning ahead, but asking me two weeks before the party if she can start giving me ideas on what she thinks would be nice at the party....  :doh: I almost feel like she waited until everything was done just so she can say we didn't include her (but maybe I a being paranoid. I know I do have my own issues).

I guess this is more of  a vent. I always need to vent. lol But the good news is it is almost over. The other good news is, she stopped texting me too. I guess she could have kept going, but didn't.  Part of me thinks she was baiting me with that comment and was hoping I would JADE (Like I said, I could just be paranoid). I'm sure everything will be fine the day of. And it will be such a relief to get this over and done with. And the important thing is SD will be happy. SO and I have asked for SD's input on stuff and what she wants because it is her party (and not BM's). But BM has trouble realizing her and SD are not the same person so I'm sure part of it is she thinks that she knows best. And maybe she does, but I'd still rather ask SD.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: BM texted me and I refrained from JADEing
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2019, 11:26:23 AM »
It's always good to get a vent out!

So, it seems like you are set with the plan at this point.  BM will have the table for the things she wants to display, it's up to her to bring them.  It's also up to BM to show up to decorate, if that is something she wants to do.  If she chooses not to do these things, and she might, that's out of your control...and therefore not worth worrying about.

It's now out of your hands, you've coordinated beyond reasonable expectations!

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Penny Lane

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Re: BM texted me and I refrained from JADEing
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2019, 12:45:00 PM »
"I'm such a spaz when it comes to organizing stuff so it's probably best you guys left me out of it"

Oh yeah this is total manipulation. She was testing your boundaries to see if you could maybe be another enabler in her life. Kudos for not falling for it!

I hope the rest of the planning and party is as stress-free as possible and that you guys can go NC with BM ASAP.

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athene1399

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Re: BM texted me and I refrained from JADEing
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2019, 09:30:12 AM »
Thank you guys!  :D It's not over yet but everything is done. It's a bit of a relief.

SL, I guess I didn't realize, but I did give BM her own table. After the conversation with her, I felt  like I gave her nothing at all. I didn't consciously feel bad, but I guess a part of me did. I feel better now. Thanks!

PL, I didn't fall for it on accident. lol  BM needs to learn I shut down enabling. lol I'm all for helping people, but I like teaching them how to help themselves or doing teamwork. I will not doing all the work for someone else. I've kind of always been like that for some reason. I'm surprised she hasn't made the connection that SO stopped letting her get away with as much stuff when I came around because I can usually figure out her angle. I don't think she realizes we tell each other everything and I read her texts to him (not in a sneaky I steal his phone. He shows me to get advice or so we can discuss it. Or laugh about it). I honestly didn't notice that was a boundary test, but I was so mad that we've given her so many chances to help and she's just now asking to give me all her ideas on the party that I just pretended she didn't say it at all. Thanks for pointing that out.

I am hoping for NC. We're still trying to get a hold of SO's lawyer to let him know our issues with BM taking care of the insurance/splitting medical things and seeing what our options are (if any). I am really hoping we can both sign off on something saying we will be financially responsible for SD's medical costs and do not want to split with BM. And if BM decides to buy something, she can't ask to be reimbursed. She only buys things (anything) to ask for money and the medical stuff SO and I buy just go unreimbursed. And I'm sick of the scams. So... fingers crossed the legal system actually cares and we can do something about it. I'm also hoping if we have an option that we can get BM onboard without much fuss (half of me just died laughing when I wrote that).