BPD and alcoholism

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Groundhog Day

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BPD and alcoholism
« on: July 11, 2019, 09:38:27 PM »
I have been NC now with BPDm for 2 years now. I used to get news from M by relatives, friends and neighbours but M has moved away a year agao and we had no news at all for the past year.  I happened to contact an old family friend of my parents who lives in the same city as M and I inquired about M.

She told me that M is drinking alot. She goes to get her booze at the store and brings her own bag to put the bottles in so nobody would notice. If she goes to an event that has no alcohol, she will get a can of pop and pour alcohol in it. She loved to line dance and show people how to line dance. She did it for a month but they noticed she had drank so they told her if she wants to dance she needs to be sober. So she opted not to go back. She went to bingo and disturbed everyone so they warned her twice, so now she is not allowed there anymore. She has lost her passport. She had driver's lisense, but lost them 2 years ago when we contacted doctors that she was drinking and driving or taking extra meds. She told us the doctor in the new town gave her lisense back. Which I doubt very much. I know she got pulled over last week and dont know if she had no lisense and was inhibriated at the time. Hopefully they can take her car away.

Have any of you have had parents with BPD and dealt with alcoholism? Also, had your parents choose booze over famity and gave up on any relationship which include friends, family, etc...? Her BPD has taking over since F passed away and now the drinking has increased as well.

I am just amazed at how social my M used to be and now chooses to be a hermit with her alcohol. I cannot comprehend the choice and the pleasure it would give her.  :stars:

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MamaDryad

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2019, 10:42:46 PM »
That's really rough; you have my sympathies. It's hard how we still worry about them, even when we can't bear to interact with them.

My experience is a bit different; my mother's alcoholism (and my knowledge of it) dates back as far as I can remember, but it's only recently that I've realized that she must have a PD as well, most likely Borderline. She definitely used to use alcohol as a way to be social, in addition to drinking alone, but as she's gotten older, she's become more isolated and hermit-y. In her case, it's because she's alienated just about everyone, and she's no longer young and beautiful, and decades of drinking have robbed her of her sparkling wit, so it's harder to attract new people. And she's in the grip of her addiction and has no insight into what could make her life better.

I mention all this because based on your post, I can't tell whether your mom was a drinker before or whether this is a recent development. But I think aging is very hard on people with personality disorders, because the superficial charms of youth wear off, as they do with all of us, but they lack the insight and empathy to develop deeper ways of connecting with others.

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Groundhog Day

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2019, 12:46:29 AM »
MamaDryad,
I remember as a child she was a heavy drinker. She then slowed down but as you mentioned, she did use alcohol as a way to be social. She would be loud and very verbal and demanding when she had too much to drink. Maybe she's getting drunk to forget that anybody that was close or dear to her has now left her? It would be heartbreaking to anyone of us but for a BPD the choice between admitting they are wrong and apologizing for their wrong doing is not an option. And I guess this is why this disorder is so difficult to understand. Being stubborn to a point of self destruction?

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all4peace

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2019, 12:41:17 PM »
Groundhog Day, I'm so sorry that you face this painful situation with your BPDm. I believe the nature of addiction is that the addicted person chooses the substance or behavior over all else, compulsively. The very nature of addiction is narcissistic in the sense that the person lives to feed that addiction without regard for the harm it is doing to themselves or those around them. What a painful thing to hear about.

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Kiki81

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2019, 07:50:48 PM »
She is living her life the way she wants to live it.

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GentleSoul

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2019, 09:40:47 AM »
Sorry you have this situation going on, GroundHogDay.

My parents were alcoholics and my husband is too.  It is usual with alcholism for people to put it above all other relationships and activities.  It is like a lover to them.   It is not personal to anyone else, it is just what addicts/alcoholics do.  They prefer to isolate to be at home wiith their bottle.

I found attending Al-anon an enormous help.  Myself and my siblings were very much second to alcohol and the drinking behavoiurs that come with it. 

My husband is currently dying of the disease of alcoholism.  He continues to drink.

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MamaDryad

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2019, 08:35:25 AM »
What All4peace says is such an important thing to remember, too. It's why it took me so long to see the underlying PD in my own mother (and why I still second guess myself sometimes-- If she's really stopped, maybe she's changed! But that's magical thinking and disproven by her continued behavior).

Addiction shrinks your world. So do personality disorders. When both are in play, that world gets very, very small and empty. It is sad, and it's okay to have sympathy and mourn for that, as long as you keep yourself safe.

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GentleSoul

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2019, 09:53:18 AM »
With my uPD alcoholic husband, it seems to me that his drinking makes him feel better about himself and life in general.  Is only temporary, of course, but it does seem to help him so in turn, helps me by him being less angry etc. 

He quit drinking for a few months in the past.  It was hell.  For both of us.  A great relief to us both when he started again!

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Groundhog Day

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2019, 01:19:43 AM »
I guess I do not comprehend the reason in drinking yourself to the point of depending on it, making a fool of yourself, saying and acting stupid, loosing loved ones. There are no positive gain. But, in reality, is there any gain in any addiction? Maybe in their subconscience they think they have control or they can forget their problems by getting drunk. I am sorry GentleSoul to hear about your husband. I have never been to therapy or even Al-anon meetings.

I just wonder if most BPD/N are also addicts. Does it go hand in hand or if it has no relation what-so-ever? It is sad to see someone destroying themselves when others are fighting cancer, and dealing with health issues.

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all4peace

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2019, 08:31:54 AM »
Groundhog Day, I'm not sure logic can be applied to addiction. Some things are chemically addictive and our bodies crave them, some processes are addictive and our minds crave them. If people looked at addiction logically, we wouldn't have a problem with it. From my limited reading and understanding, we get addicted because we as humans are prone to over do things, and we as humans have an awful lot of pain in our lives that we would rather not have to feel, and then there's the fact that some of the things that are available to us are extremely addictive substances.

The "gain" is that people can numb out from their pain.

It leaves a path of wreckage behind them, and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with some of that in your own life because of your parents' alcohol use.

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Andeza

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Re: BPD and alcoholism
« Reply #10 on: Yesterday at 06:53:26 PM »
I once worked with a lady whose husband was a recovering Meth addict. She theorized that certain people had "addiction personalities." Her explanation was that some people are prone to addiction because of either genetics, or something that has happened to them. I don't know enough about addiction in general to agree or disagree with her statement, but I found it interesting nonetheless.

My uBPDM, I am fairly certain, is addicted to prescription medications including barbiturates. She occasionally goes cold turkey off her meds and acts all proud of herself as though to say "see, look! I can quit whenever I want to!" But if this were her choice, she would theoretically not need a refill on that medication until later than usual correct? That's never how it plays out though. She gets her refill exactly when the pharmacy allows, regardless of whether she went cold turkey a couple of days or weeks.

I am also fairly certain she would be an alcoholic if not for those same medicines. They don't play well together... But despite the fact that she has always said drinking is bad (moral standpoint with her) she will drink anything within reach if she's feeling down enough, and generally too much of it.

Her medications and health problems are all she talks about. She has no hobbies, no interests, no anything else to occupy her thoughts. Phone conversations are solely about her health and doctor/ER visits. I'm sick of listening, everyone else in the family is also sick of listening. What she doesn't realize is that she is very close to alienating everyone in her family circle (she already has no friends) because of what she allows to rule her every waking moment.

She absolutely thinks she is in control of her medications. She absolutely thinks she isn't addicted to them or the endless cycle of doctor's visits and mini health crises. She has no clue that anything is wrong, never goes anywhere unless forced by need, and doesn't understand why with each passing year she gets fewer and fewer Christmas cards in the mail... It's sad. But there's nothing I can do about it except protect myself from the cycle of self-destruction. I do that with distance, primarily, and VLC.

It may never make sense to those of us that don't have and have never had an addiction. But that may actually be a good thing, and keep us out of the same dark hole.