Close call - almost called it all off - this is hard

[Whatthehey]

My stbexOCPDh is out of town this week.  My son is staying with me.  On Tuesday I woke up very sick and headed to Statcare to find out I had pneumonia and while there the doc pointed out an anomaly on X-ray that I will need to send to my oncologist and head to NYC to check out.  I have a rare Stage IV cancer treated by a specialist there.  Came back home after a breathing treatment and antibiotics.  My son was a real help.  But as I lay on the chair trying to breath and just willing myself to live, all I wanted to do was call of it off, go back to my house and my comfortable bed and stare out my familiar window.  I dreamed that my husband would bring me tea and take care our son while I was sick.

Even though while I went through all the cancer treatments, he was there but still working all the time.  Even though he was never very helpful in the first place.  The house was always messier and I cooked even though I was sick. 

What is even funnier - sarcastic funny - is that only a few days prior to my pneumonia my husband was at my house and I was teaching him how to wash the laundry; fold his shirts and pack his suitcase.  All of which I had done for him his entire career. 

He is still in my head even when I am sick and at deaths door.  I just want to rant and rage and *)#(@* at everyone.  In my head I am throwing things and screaming.  Actually, I am laying down and sucking on cough drops.

I am over the worst of it.  I didn't make the call and I haven't told him about the pneumonia or the spot that needs to be seen.  It's now my business only.  It might even be easier without having to worry about his emotions this time.

My daughter called today and asked how I was feeling.  She asked if Dad knew and I said no since he's freezing me out now.  She didn't understand - I just said that sometimes he becomes really cold and doesn't respond or call or text.  He hasn't asked about our son or anything.  She didn't know he did that - I said that yeah, it was common.  Either too much communication or no communication.  The day after I do his laundry I am frozen out.

And I wanted to go back so badly while I was sick.  What the hell was I thinking?

[notrightinthehead]

I am sorry you are unwell. It's often that we wish for familiar places when we feel poorly. You have been looking for love from this man for a long time. You are used to him. He feels like someone secure when you are unwell and frightened. The moment you felt a bit stronger, you remembered that you could not find with him what you are looking for.

[SeaGlass]

Swirling emotions, your post brought me to tears. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. What notrightinthehead posted makes a lot of sense. I often want my ubpd husband at scary times too. He often does feel secure, but maybe it is just familiarity and a longing for the old him who sometimes reappears during those times. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and clarity.

[Whatthehey]

Thank you notrightinthehead and SeaGlass for your support.  I am feeling stronger but the cough and breathing are still a problem.  My daughter is in town with my granddaughter.  They are staying at the house with my stbexOCPDh and my son.  I have been texting all morning asking what the schedule for the day.  Where are they going and for how long?  Just trying to find out how I can help babysit or even just see my grand daughter.  So texts back or calls.  Very frustrating and I am angry.  Even after separation and process of divorce, he just plays with me.  Thank God that I not living there with him and I can have the time to keep my head on straight.

Thank goodness for this forum and site.  You all keep me level.